ANTIDEPRESSANT FUNNESS!
by randomwriter96
Summary: *CHAPTER 39 is here* A sillyfic! Pippin and Merry trying to lose weight. Legolas has narcissm problems. Aragorn's unloved. Gandalf's on Viagra. Frodo's an isolationist. Sam and Gimli appear sporadically. Bor's kind of dead. It's craziness really.
1. Craziness ensues!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I DO own Lord of the Rings.....not.  
  
********************************************************  
  
"...And you shall be...the Fellowship of the Ring!..." Elrond said, spreading his arms.  
  
"5," Elrond's counsellor #1 said, sleepy and listless.  
  
"4," Elrond's counsellor #2 mumbled.  
  
"3,"  
  
"2,"  
  
"1,"  
  
"Oh boy..."  
  
"...HAHAHAHAHA!!" Elrond burst into maniacal laughter and yelled, "BUNNY FOOFOO!! That's a good one! HAHAHA!!" The whole council, save Elrond's counsellors, stared at him, unable to find anything to say. They blinked, then stared some more.  
  
"What the-" Aragorn started.  
  
"I'm afraid that's your future father-in-law, Estel. Yep," Counsellor #1 replied.  
  
"Is he STILL on Nexium? Or was it Prozac?" Counsellor #2 turned to Counsellor #1.  
  
"Nah. Today's Tuesday. He's on his second dose of anti-depressants. Prozac, did you say?" asked Counsellor #1.  
  
"Yup," Counsellor #2 looked at the now-happy-crazed Elrond and shook his head sadly.  
  
"Everybody needs some Proooozaaaaaaac! Everybody needs some Prooooooozaaaaaac! They make the world go rooouuunnnndd!! Heeheeheeheehee! Bweeee!!!" Elrond spun around, singing and laughing his arse off. Aragorn magically whipped out a cell phone.  
  
"Arwen? Yeah, it's me. Aragorn. Listen, I hate to break it to ya, but our engagement, you see.that.kinda.hasta.be.cancelled."  
  
"Is that my father singing over there?." Elrond was jumping around and singing, "Little Bunny Foofoo, hopping through the forest, catching all the field mice, and BOPPIN' them on the heaaaad."  
  
"Uh.yes.you see." Aragorn said, edging away as Elrond came hopping near him.  
  
"Oh, don't worry Estel. He's been like that for thousands of years. I promise you that by the end of this Age, he'll be far away at the Grey Havens. Very far away," Arwen reassured him.  
  
"AGE?? That'll take YEARS, Arwen, YEARS!"  
  
"Calm down.jeez.it's only a couple of years,"  
  
"Do you actually KNOW what your father is doing right now?? He's leaping in circles all around the Council and singing LITTLE BUNNY FOOFOO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"  
  
"*groans* I hate that song.see, that's why mom purposely got herself injured on that one trip so that she can have a good excuse to go across the Sea away from father. That's why I'm in Lothlorien so much too. You know.I never DID know where my father got his Prozac pills from.was it Lossarnach?.no.my grandmother?.no, she's got Prilosec or something."  
  
"FELLOWSHIIIIIIIIIP!! HAHAHAHAHAHA-ow," Elrond tripped on his robes and fell face-first onto the nice, hard, polished floor.  
  
"Erm.we'll just leave then." Aragorn said, slowly moving back, then ran as fast as he could away from Elrond (the Fellowship followed him). "Arwen? Gotta go! I hafta do this mission thing.what? Nah, won't take more than a week.I'll be fine.yes.yes.no, I'm doing it because I have to look brave and heroic so that I'll have a better chance of being the king of Gondor.ok.YES, I have extra pairs of boxers.ok.ok.goodb.goo.yes.goodby.no!.fine.goodbye!" Aragorn shut off his cell phone and it magically disappeared.  
  
"Do we HAVE to come along?" Pippin whined.  
  
"Yeah, we were in the middle of one of our sessions at the Medical Weight Loss Clinic!" Merry added.  
  
"YES! WE ALL HAVE TO GO!" Aragorn yelled to everyone.  
  
"I'm too pretty to go. You see this hair? THIS took forever to be like this! THIS is perfectionism. Perfectionism like THIS can't be ruined on a stupid quest to save the world," Legolas pouted.  
  
"PERFECTIONISM? What the hell??" Aragorn argued.  
  
"." Gimli said oh-so-talkatively.  
  
"WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?? LET'S GO!" Borimir launched into a song., "WEEEEE'RE OFF TO SEE THE DARK LORD! THE WONDERFUL DARK LORD OF MORDORRRR."  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" Frodo screamed to Sam.  
  
"What?? I'm THREE FEET away from you!" Sam yelled back.  
  
"ToomanypeopletoomaypeoplespacegettingsmallerandsmallerI'mgoingtodiiiieeee." Frodo mumbled, hugging himself.  
  
"It's only HAIR!" Aragorn threw his hands up in the air.  
  
"It's MY hair! And THAT is a COMPLETELY different situation!!!" Legolas retaliated.  
  
"What is THAT Pippin? A TWINKIE?? *gasp* PIPPIN! WE ARE ON A DIET! DIET!!!" Merry nearly ripped off Pippin's head.  
  
"You're right! AHHH! I had NO idea what I was thinking!" Pippin hit his own head multiple times, then threw his Twinkie far far away, "Goodbye Twinkie."  
  
[ Distant, far-away voice: "Ow! What's this? Ahhh.it's a..a..a.ohh! A Twinkie.how interesting." ]  
  
"IT'S YOU! IT'S YOU! AHHH! GO AWAY! YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!" Frodo covered his face.  
  
"FRODO, YOU IDIOT! I'M SIX FRIKKIN FEET AWAY FROM YOU!!" Sam's face turned tomato-ey red.  
  
"Down by the BAAAY! Down by the BAAAAY! Where the pretty chicks ARRRRE! Where the pretty chicks ARRRRE! I dare not go.I dare not go.back to GONDOOOR! Back to GONDOOOR! For if I do.for if I do.my father will say.my father will say: Have you ever seen me on fire right on a pyre? Down by the BAAAAY.." Boromir tried to get everyone to sing with him. Gandalf rubbed his forehead.  
  
"Dear gods.Advil?.Anyone?.good.all for me." 


	2. We're not getting anywhere!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own- blahblah, you know the rest.why do I even bother?  
  
Btw~ Thank you for the reviews! You know who you are.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in open field somewhere near Rivendell. As you can tell, they didn't get very far yet.]  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhh!!" Gandalf cried when he found out that no special, drug- filled miruvor from Rivendell was put into his supply pack. He flung the items from the pack this way and that, hoping that it would magically appear.  
  
"Gandalf?.what is-" Merry picked up an.odd box hastily flung aside.  
  
"Wait.I can read." Pippin scrambled over to Merry and snatched the box.  
  
"The hell you can, Pip," Merry frowned, upset that the mysterious box was taken away from him.  
  
"I see a..weird U. An I.an A.a funny looking chopped off O.a messed up K.and another A," Pippin said. Now it is proved that Pippin cannot read. Ta da!  
  
"What?? Uiaoka?.Gandalf?.is this another one of your love potions?" Merry bounced (how, I don't know) over to Gandalf and tapped his shoulder.  
  
"NOT NOW!"  
  
"Not now!.geez. Touchy old goon," Legolas mimicked Gandalf, then sighed impatiently, crossed his arms, and tapped the grass with his feet, "Can we get a move on?? Who cares about miruvor? I just wanna get this stupid quest done with. I'm missing a hair appointment. And it's only THIS year that they stock up on Thermasilk AND Herbal Essences!" (The dreaded Herbal Essences.*shudders*)  
  
"Gandalf! We must journey on our mission! We must go! We cannot linger! We must follow where Anduril may lead us! Come my trusty sword!" Aragorn unsheathed a..butter knife. (ooo.)  
  
"Oh yeah. That's one HELL of a sword you got there." Legolas rolled his eyes and then.resumed tapping his feet.  
  
"We must follow it! Ah, look! It shines like a bright hippopotamus in the noonday sun! " Aragorn ignored Legolas and brandished it so that it made a dull gleam against the sunlight. The butter knife had some sort of magical magnetic power that drew it to a rock. Or maybe the butter knife was just gay. Aragorn got dragged along as well and *gasp* hit his head on the rock. Then he passed out.  
  
"Follow the sword.follow the sword.we just HAVE to listen to you, Aragorn, because the sword can lead us to a ROCK!" Legolas was getting very cranky. As usual, Frodo was sitting by himself in a corner (yes! Open fields have corners! Duh.). He was rocking baaack and foooorth and baaack and foooorth when.  
  
"WOW! Lookee! Lookee what I found!!" Gandalf proclaimed, laughing like the old insane geezer that he is. This even persuaded Frodo to go and investigate.while standing five feet away from everyone.  
  
"Look what Elrond gave us instead!! A plastic baggy!!!" Gandalf jumped around in innocent delight (*cough* don't ask).  
  
"Oh yaaay.a plastic baggy!.What are we going to do? Stick the Ring in it, THEN throw it off a cliff in Mount Doom? I'm sure THAT would make a BIIIIG difference, that would," Legolas went from cranky to pissed. They weren't making ANY progress at all.  
  
"No no no! Look what's INSIDE it!" Everyone (except for the isolationist aka Frodo) crowded around.  
  
"Tic tacs!!!!!" Pippin squealed.  
  
"No, you fool!!! It's." Gandalf paused for the non-dramatic effect, "PROZAC! I love you Elrond!!"  
  
"You could've stopped yourself after you said Prozac you know.the last bit was a bit more than we needed to know," Aragorn was magically conscious again.  
  
"Prozac." Pippin didn't understand what that meant.  
  
"*sigh* PROZAC, PIPPIN! PROOOOOZZZAAAACCC!!!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"Yelling it in my face doesn't help me understand, Gandie," Pippin blinked cutely.  
  
"*sigh* PROZAC?? THE ANTI-DEPRESSANT??"  
  
"Ohhhh!!!.I.don't get it. What's an anti-depressant?" Pippin blinked some more because that's all I can make him do right now. Gandalf slapped his forehead.  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"CAN WE GET A MOVE ON??" Legolas screamed in frustration.  
  
"Patience is a virtue." Sam said in a sing-songy voice.  
  
"." Gimli said oh-so-talkatively.  
  
"Patience my ass! I didn't come on this journey to HELP, you know! Do you know that my hair app-"  
  
"Appointment had to be rescheduled and Thermasilk and Herbal Essences only comes out this year.yeah yeah yeah," Sam rolled his eyes.  
  
"So.instead of miruvor, we get.Prozac?." Aragorn stared in disbelief.  
  
"PROOZAAAC! EVERYBODY LOVES PROOZAAAC! IT'S SO YUMMY IN MY TUMMY!! MAKES ME HAPPY, HAPPY AND..AND...hey, what rhymes with happy?" Gandalf sang, then stopped, unable to think of a rhyming word for happy. "How about crappy?" Legolas sarcastically suggested.  
  
"Nah." Gandalf sat down on a rock in deep thought.  
  
"Gandalf, you never DID tell us what Uiaoka was." Merry observed the box half trampled on the ground and picked it up.  
  
"Yeah!" Pippin cried enthusiastically (for no reason whatsoever).  
  
"What?." Gandalf came back to Middle Earth from his trance of deep thought and plucked the box from Merry's hands.  
  
"Uiaoka? Where did you get that from?" Gandalf read the label carelessly. Then he read it again. Gandalf quickly tucked it inside his robes at a special place where no member of the fellowship would dare try to reach for a million dollars. (Ah! You are wondering where Boromir was in all of this.he's here!.somewhere.) But somehow the magical magnetic Anduril the butter knife attracted the box and it flew out of Gandalf's robes and into Aragorn's hands. After Aragorn read the label, he dropped it and promptly screamed. Boromir snatched it from the ground and read the label. He also promptly screamed and ran around in circles singing nonsense. The rest of the Fellowship decided to read it too, being utterly not-so-wise. They too ran around in circles screaming,  
  
"AHHHHHHH!! BAD IMAGE BAD IMAGE BAD IMAGE!!"  
  
For do you know what the label read on the box?.  
  
*cue for mysterious, dun dun dun! music*  
  
It read...........................VIAGRA!  
  
*cue for unified GASP*  
  
*cue for unified screaming "BAD MENTAL IMAGE!!"*  
  
*cue for ending this lame chapter*  
A LITTLE NOTE: If you don't know what Viagra is (please tell me you do.), don't expect me to explain it.it is too horrifying to tell. Either that or you can watch the commercial.although THAT doesn't help you much right there. At any rate, don't ask me. 


	3. POLKA DOTS!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: *blinks* I own.nothing.  
  
Btw~ Again, thank you for the reviews! You know who you are.  
  
A LITTLE NOTE: In the previous chapter.some of you [reviewers] didn't know what Viagra was.so I resolved that I must explain it.I am afraid to type this.  
  
*shudders*  
  
Here goes.I'm only typing this ONCE!  
  
Viagra: these pills usually come in a 6-pills pack.Viagra.helps.-older- people.get.more.....invigorated, I guess you could say.err.more invigorated to do.*shudders*..*cough*.certain.things.that.I.refuse.to.type.  
  
MOVING ON...*cough*  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in an open field near the open field in the previous chapter which was somewhere near Rivendell. Therefore allowing us to assume they STILL didn't get very far yet.]  
  
"AUGGGHHH!! BADBADBAD MENTAL IMAGE!! EWWW!!" the Fellowship (minus Gandalf) ran around in circles (or rather ellipses.whatever) to the open field near the open field in the previous chapter somewhere near Rivendell. They were still screaming. Gandalf had to find SOME way to stop them, so they could continue on their hopeless journey.  
  
"THE BOX WASN'T MINE!!" He yelled. To no avail.  
  
"FINE! I -AM- ON VIAGRA!!! HAPPY??" He tried again. Which only made the rest of the Fellowship scream even louder.  
  
"*sigh* I'M TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES IF YOU DON'T STOP SCREAMING!" That stopped the rest of the Fellowship, as if you pressed a pause button.  
  
(Ooo.let's try that.*play*.Pippin picks his nose.*pause*.interesting.*play*.Aragorn gets ready to sit on the grass.*pause*.eww..what a nasty position.*play*.let's just continue on, shall we?.we can play with the pause button later.)  
  
"We must keep moving!" Gandalf waved his wooden magical staff in the air.  
  
"Oh! And WHAT have I been saying in the past few HOURS?" Legolas scoffed, angry by the fact that the obvious was stated and listened to AFTER he had said it first.  
  
"What?" Pippin didn't note the -little- hint of sarcasm in Legolas's voice.  
  
"Pip? Let's go.have a talk." Merry dragged Pippin away from a fuming Legolas.who had a bow and a whole quiver of sharp, shiny, pointy arrows.  
  
"A talk? About what? I don't get it."  
  
*cue for rolling of all eyes*  
  
"I'm tired.can we rest?" Aragorn was stretched out on the grass.  
  
"." Gimli said oh-so-talkatively.  
  
"We only walked half a mile!!!" Gandalf prodded Aragorn with his wooden magical staff. Suddenly.Aragorn's clothes had.yellow polka dots all over it.  
  
"...HAHAA!!!!!!!" Legolas turned around and pointed at Aragorn, rolling on the ground in fits of laughter.  
  
"Huh? What?..AHHHH!! ARAGORN! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?" Merry yelled, waving his arms wildly (for no particular reason).  
  
"Heehee!! You know, if you turn your head THIS way.the yellow dots kinda look like deformed rubber ducky splotches.but if you turn your head THIS way, they just look like mountain goats." Pippin squinted, turning his head this way and that.  
  
"WHAT are you all staring at?? Do I have a grass stain? Did my sword fall off? Did I- ACK!!" Aragorn looked down at his brand new re-designed outfit.  
  
"AH-HAHAHAHA! HAHA! King *gasp* of *gasp* Gondor *gasp* in *gasp* POLKA *gasp* DOTS! *gasp*" Boromir was hyperventilating from laughing too much.  
  
"Here! Have a." Gandalf was going to give him a paper bag, but he didn't have one. Gandalf handed Boromir the plastic baggy instead. Boromir breathed laboriously, inhaling a few momentarily-forgotten Prozac pills.  
  
"Haaaappppy meeeee..." Boromir sighed in happiness.then passed out. "*gasp* Look! Boromir passed out!" Pippin pointed out the obvious.as was his wont.  
  
"BWAHAHA!!" Legolas was still laughing over Aragorn's polka dots. Gandalf and Aragorn were arguing over the polka dots. No one paid any attention to the knocked-out Boromir. He wasn't that important anyway.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" Aragorn tried to rub off the horrifyingly- bright yellow polka dots that seemed to have imbedded themselves into his clothing and wouldn't come off.  
  
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! IT WAS THE STAFF, I TELL YOU! IT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN!" Gandalf slapped the wooden magical staff, "BAD STAFF!"  
  
"WELL, MAKE IT TAKE THE POLKA DOTS OFF!"  
  
"I CAN'T UNLESS IT WANTS TO!"  
  
"WELL, I SAID -MAKE- IT!"  
  
"I'M SORRY, OK? THE STAFF SAYS THAT HE THINKS ITS FUNNY AND HE'S NOT GOING TO TAKE THEM OFF UNTIL HE FEELS LIKE IT!"  
  
"Your staff.talks?" Aragorn momentarily forgot about the polka dots and made a face like this: O_o  
  
"Yeah.so?" Gandalf said as if all staffs were "born" to talk on their own.  
  
"Gandalf.it's a STAFF."  
  
"I KNOW IT'S A STAFF!! So??" Gandalf was getting pretty irritated.  
  
"A STAFF.."  
  
"GODDAMNIT, I KNOW IT'S A STAFF! WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"  
  
"Hahahahahaa!! POLKA DOTS!! Whahahahahaha!!" Legolas was weirdly still laughing about Aragorn's polka dots.  
  
(Ooo.let's try the pause button again.*pause*.Legolas's mouth is open.ooo.what can we see.ahh.residue of a.pork chop.eww.and a.*gasp*.a CAVITY!.we better play.*play*.Frodo's STILL rocking back and forth and mumbling to himself.*pause*.ooo.lookee! He's balanced perfectly on the corner of his butt.ach! Never mind. Let's just continue playing.*play*)  
  
Boromir is still out cold.  
  
"I WILL SURVIVE!!" Boromir sang, shaking his hips back and forth to the "I Will Survive" (or whatever that title was of that one old "surviving" song) song.  
  
Never mind. 


	4. Of tweezers and OTHER things

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I own.my stuffed frog.my alarm clocks.my pillows.my bed.my Legolas poster.*rambles on for 20 minutes or so*.but.*sob*.not LOTR.  
  
Btw~ Wow! More reviews that I expected! I thank all you reviewers! You know who you are.  
  
Hee! I'm eating yummy Italian bread, which tastes kinda funny.but still good! And I have no idea why I'm telling you this.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in.another open field! Again! (Will the open fields never end?.)]  
  
"AHHHH!! EVERYONE FREEZE!" Legolas yelled so that his voice seemed to echo off of the four corners of the world. (oooo.)  
  
"What?! What?! What's going on?!" Pippin froze in mid-step and looked around wildly.expecting a rabid squirrel of some sort.  
  
"Thank you for saying 'HELLO! WE'RE THE FELLOWSHIP! WE'RE RIGHT HEERRREE!'." Aragorn (now renamed Aragorn the Polka Dotted) rolled his eyes.  
  
"MY TWEEZER! IT'S GONE!" Legolas demanded that everyone empty out their packs.  
  
"Nope! I don't have it! Oh, lookee! Merry, lookee! I found him! I found BOOBOO!" Pippin hugged his now-found teddy bear from long long long ago, which somehow magically appeared in his pack.  
  
"Don't have it either, Legs! Booboo?.Hey! That looks like MY teddy bear! That looks like Poopoo!" Merry cried.  
  
"Poopoo?." Legolas momentarily forgot about his tweezers and made a face like this: Oo;;  
  
"Well, he WAS brown." Merry explained, shifting his feet.  
  
"EWW!!" Legolas crinkled his nose (ooo.*crinklecrinkle*.) and proceeded to move down the line to inspect everyone else's packs. Finally, everyone but Aragorn was inspected and found to be not guilty.  
  
"AHA! SO IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT ARAGORN? ISN'T IT??!!" Legolas somehow became temporarily a little cuckoo.  
  
"No! I DIDN'T steal your tweezers!!! Why would I???"  
  
"LOOK at your eyebrows!!! Why WOULDN'T you want it!!! I KNOW YOU STOLE IT! ALL THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO YOU!"  
  
"Legolas.calm down.it's just a tweezer.when we get to Lothlorien, you can get a BRAND NEW tweezer." Aragorn tried to reassure Legolas.  
  
"Ohh!!! Aragorn, THANK YOU!"  
  
"You're welcome.?"  
  
"Nonono! Not because you stole my tweezer but you reminded me of "that time of the month"! Thank you! I nearly forgot! I think I brought all the necessities along." Legolas joyously danced around.  
  
"Uhh. "THAT time of the month", Legolas?.We didn't know you.were.a." Aragorn blinked furiously. The rest of the Fellowship stared at Legolas, backing away from him VERY slowly.  
  
"Elf? Well, DUH! See these pointy ears? Yes! DUH! "That time of the month"? You should know what that is, Aragorn! You've been around Arwen long enough!" Legolas put his hands on his hips.  
  
"Yeah.see.unfortunately.I DO know what..that.means.ehh.Legolas? Aren't you.?" Aragorn tried to motion out the rest without saying anything.  
  
"An Elf? YES, I'M AN ELF! Jeezus, Aragorn! EVERYBODY says that I'm too old! I'm NOT too old!" Legolas ranted.  
  
"Old?..I was thinking more like." Again, Aragorn tried to motion things out with his hands. It didn't work too well.  
  
"*sigh* You're not making sense Aragorn! Just say it!" Legolas gave an impatient sigh.  
  
"You're a.a.a GUY, Legolas."  
  
"Yeah? So?"  
  
*cue for O_O;;;; faces among everyone*  
  
"Did you hear me? A GUY! Guys don't HAVE "that time of the month"!!!!!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
"What do you mean by 'HAVE'? I ATTEND it!" Legolas was confused.  
  
"What??" Aragorn was too.  
  
"What ARE you talking about??"  
  
"What are YOU talking about??"  
  
"That time of the month!!! Did Arwen ever TELL you?? ELROND must've explained it to you once!!"  
  
"AHH!! ELROND HAS IT TOO?? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS??" Aragorn (the Polka Dotted.heehee) ran around screaming.as did the rest of the Fellowship. This was a disaster.  
  
"HAVE? ARAGORN, TALK TO ME HERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"  
  
"THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!! YOU AND ELROND AND PROBABLY EVERY OTHER MALE ELF HAS GOT IT! AHHH! NEVER AGAIN AM I GOING TO RIVENDELL! GANDALF! CANCEL THE TRIP TO LOTHLORIEN! NEVER AGAIN!.." Aragorn screamed, scaring even the Staff.  
  
"..OO;;;;" the Staff said.  
  
"." said Gimli oh-so-talkatively. (Although I must say that his silence is getting shorter.what an improvement.)  
  
"ARAGORN? ARE YOU OK? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?" Legolas tried to stop Aragorn, who was still running around screaming his arse and everybody else's arse off.  
  
"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET AWAAAYYYY!!"  
  
"'THAT TIME OF THE MONTH' IS A FESTIVAL BY THE RIVER NIMRODEL IN LOTHLORIEN WHERE ALL ELVES GATHER EVERY MONTH TO WASH THEIR HAIR 72 TIMES IN ONE DAY! THAT'S THE TIME OF THE MONTH!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"What?...wash..hair?..festival?..wha-" Aragorn stopped running around in circles. The rest of the Fellowship blinked furiously and whistled innocent happy tunes. Oh no.THEY couldn't have POSSIBLY thought "that time of the month" was anything but a FESTIVAL.oh no.never.  
  
"Festival?." Aragorn was pretty slow on absorbing things.  
  
"F.E.S.T.I.V.A.L.! DUH! What ELSE did you think it was??" Legolas frowned.  
  
"Uhh.nothing...important.ehhh.." Aragorn blushed so hard that even the yellow polka dots seemed white..(how is that possible? I don't know.)  
  
"Well, next time, LISTEN to me, ok??? Jeezus, I can't BELIEVE that you didn't know what 'that time of the month' was..tch!" Legolas stalked away, ready to eat some food.  
  
And the rest of the Fellowship?  
  
They made a face like this: -_-;;;; 


	5. UGHs, ARGHs, and YEEKs!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: meh. I own.this story. But not the characters in it, mind you. *pause* I wish though.  
  
Btw~ *blinkblink* Wow.42 reviews.I'm amazed.Thank you!!! You know who you are.  
  
Alas, I'm eating nothing at the moment. But you really didn't need to know that. My hands are freezing cold, too. You didn't need to know that either.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in.somewhere-that's-not-an-open-field! It is an.open PLAIN! How exciting.]  
  
"All I see is grass, Merry.is grass eatable? Polka-Dotted won't let me have another apple.poopie butthead!" Pippin, nearly dying of starvation, collapsed in the wiiiiidddeee open plain, filled with long, tall, stalks of grass. In fact, if YOU were dying of starvation, the grass would look like waving corn dogs. Yes, they would.  
  
"No, I don't think grass is eata- Pip? WHAT are you doing?." Merry stared at Pippin, who started to eat the nearest blade of grass.  
  
"Eating a coorrrrrnn dog!!!! You should try it Merry! It's gooood."  
  
"That's.grass.Pippin.I don't know..if grass is part of our diet.we're still on a diet, you know.Pippin?.Hellooooo?." Merry waved his hand in front of Pippin's face as Pippin passed out from semi-malnutrition, "Polka Dotted!! YOU KILLED PIPPIN!! *sob*"  
  
"My name is ARAGORN, not POLKA-DOTTED! I didn't KILL Pippin! You over- exaggerated hobbits.jeezus.always over-exaggerating everything." Aragorn the Polka-Dotted said, letting out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"We SHOULD take a rest you know.this wind.it's messing up my hair." Legolas sat down next to Merry and began unpacking his Con-air Hair Straightner. He then took out a mirror.  
  
"*GASP* ARAGORN! GIVE ME BACK MY TWEEZER! YOU SEE THIS? THIS -HAS- TO BE FIXED!" Legolas pointed at his seemingly perfect eyebrows.  
  
"I don't HAVE your tweezers! I told you! You need to fix what?" Aragorn blinked.  
  
"THIS!"  
  
"What's 'THIS!'? I don't see anything wrong."  
  
"YOU DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG? AN EYEBROW HAIR IS OUT OF PLACE, THAT'S WHAT I SEE!"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"WHERE? YOU'RE ASKING WHERE? RIGHT HERE!"  
  
"Right where?"  
  
"AUGHH! RIGHT HERE!"  
  
"YOU GUYS! PIPPIN IS DYING! DYING! ARE YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT A MISPLACED EYEBROW HAIR?" Merry was near tears.  
  
"WELL, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND! SEE YOUR HAIR?? UGH!"  
  
"UGHH? YOUR HAIR IS UGH!"  
  
"-MY- HAIR IS UGH?? HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! YOU'RE THE UGH ONE!"  
  
"I'M NOT UGH! YOU'RE UGHH!"  
  
"*GASP* I AM SO NOT UGHH! YOU'RE UGHH!"  
  
"WILL YOU GUYS STOP WITH THE UGHH'S! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!" Gandalf screamed.  
  
"_" the Staff added.  
  
"NO!" And so Legolas and Merry continued on with their endless "UGHH"s.  
  
"ARGH! STOP THIS RACKET! ThisisreallyreallygettingtomeandIcan'tstanditanylongerbecauseI'manisolationi standleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoooooooonnnnnnneeeeeeee.." Frodo was STILL rocking back and forth, muttering to whoever would listen. Which was no one.  
  
"ARGH! We're gonna move on so you can all shut up now!" Aragorn the Polka-Dotted yelled.  
  
"YEEK!"  
  
"What was that??" Legolas looked wildly around.  
  
"Me!" Pippin magically recovered.  
  
"YOU'RE ALIVE!" Merry ran over and hugged him.  
  
"Duh." Pippin said.  
  
"What's a 'YEEK!'?" Sam asked. (ooo! Look, it's Sam finally.)  
  
"I don't know.what IS a 'YEEK!'?" Aragorn scratched his head (eww.think of the dandruff.*shudders*)  
  
"Let us ponder." Gandalf made everyone sit down.  
  
*a few minutes later*  
  
"I have no clue whatsoever."  
  
"What were we pondering again?"  
  
"*blink*"  
  
"Uhh.a quack that.ducks make?.maybe?."  
  
"I know! It's a.noise!" Gandalf triumphantly exclaimed.  
  
"Wow.WHAT an observation." Sam rolled his eyes.  
  
"Okeedokey." Aragorn whipped out a map from his back pocket, "Next stop:.."  
  
"McDonald's?" Pippin suggested.  
  
"NO! Next stop is.is.I can't really read this.is.is..UilloH? Gandalf? What's UilloH? I never heard of it." Aragorn confusedly pressed his nose into the map (and blew.j/k! eww.that'd be nasty.ok, moving on.)  
  
"What?? UilloH? What the-" Gandalf shuffled over and snatched the map from Aragorn.  
  
"YOU POLKA-DOTTED FOOL! IT'S UPSIDE DOWN! WE'RE GOING TO HOLLIN! NOT UILLOH! IDIOT!" Gandalf began ranting.  
  
"So.is he supposed to be our guide for the rest of this trip?" Sam poked Legolas, pointing at Aragorn.  
  
"*sigh* Yeah." Legolas looked depressed.  
  
"Do you think we'll ever get to Hollin if he's our guide?"  
  
"Not in a million years."  
  
********************************************************  
  
Wasn't this chapter lame?..Yeah, I thought so too. Sorry! My brain is at some freezing point right now.next chapter will be better! 


	6. Poopular birds and Hyperbowls

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own LOTR.duh.  
  
Btw~ Still, thank you for more reviews!!! Ya know who you are.  
  
I interrupted rebordering Africa for history homework to work on this. *glare* You should be happy. Haaappppyyyy..  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in.Hollin! Ya know.the place with the rocks.and the birds (this isn't helping, is it?).oh, alright, the flying spy birds of Saruman.]  
  
"You call THIS a resting place?" Pippin frowned at the sharp pointy rocks.  
  
"I think it's better than just sitting in grass," Aragorn said.  
  
"What grass?" Pippin blinked.  
  
"What do you mean, WHAT GRASS? There were KILOMILES of it!" Aragorn sighed.  
  
"I didn't see grass.I saw corn dogs though. Does that count?"  
  
"*groan*" Aragorn is seen slapping his forehead.  
  
"It's a small world after all.." Boromir was sitting on a rock, singing absent-mindedly to himself. The rest of the Fellowship stared at him.  
  
"What?" Boromir said, resuming his singing afterwards.  
  
"*groan*" the rest of the Fellowship groaned (ooo.what a concept.)  
  
"Are there any plug outlets in these rocks? See, I was about to bring my cordless hair dryer but it broke, so I had to bring the one with the cord.anyone find a plug outlet yet?" Legolas brought out his hair dryer because just minutes ago, Pippin tripped and spilled water all over the person in front of him. Which happened to be Legolas. Which was a bad thing. Especially if you "dirtied" his hair. So Pippin got an arrow in his butt.  
  
"*exasperated sigh* THERE ARE NO PLUG OUTLETS HERE! We're on an IMPORTANT JOURNEY, not some salon trip!!" Aragorn grumbled and sat down to polish his butter kni- I mean, Anduril.  
  
"OWOW!!" Pippin just tried to sit down.  
  
"See, everyone? Don't mess with this hair," Legolas pointed to his head, then resumed his fruitless search for a plug outlet. (Why do they call it fruitless? Cuz it's OBVIOUSLY fruit-less.never mind me.continue on!)  
  
"*bitebitebitebitebite*" Gandalf had some weird sense of "foreboding" or so he says (we ALL know he's trying to prevent himself from smoking too much weed.), so he is presently biting his nails.  
  
"Does anyone hear something?." Legolas stood up.  
  
"Nnnnnnope," Merry was cooking food, gulping down extra bacon slices whenever anyone wasn't looking.  
  
"Great. I was interrupted in the middle of my plug outlet search for some weird, pointless noise," Legolas resumed walking in circles, looking for the non-existent plug outlet.  
  
"BIRDS!!!!!!" Gandalf suddenly sprang up from his rock seat.  
  
"No.I'm looking a PLUG OUTLET. I'm glad you finally learned what birds are, but please, not right now." Legolas carelessly waved his hand.  
  
"Fine! Don't listen to me.I'll just warn all of you that they're EVIL birds AFTER they come flying over here, shitting on our heads.in that case, I better hide," Gandalf mumbled to himself.  
  
"AHH! WHAT HAVE I DONE? I ATE BACON!" Merry ran around, screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
"SHH! Merry! The hole-dwelling evil moles will hear you!" Pippin sat perched on a rock, looking afraid-edly down below him.  
  
"The what??" Merry widened his eyes. Legolas heard the weird noise again. Legolas tried to locate the noise and he ended up.  
  
"Gimli?.was that.you?" Legolas pinched his nose. Gimli shook his head. Suddenly, there was a rumble of weird noises.  
  
"OH GOD!" Everyone pinched their noses. A flock of evil birds came flying closer and closer.  
  
"Eww.I didn't know birds could fart." Sam wrinkled his nose, "Never again will I think the same of those innocent robins that fertilized my lawn,"  
  
Everyone: Oo;; okaaaay.  
  
"Gandalf?.why are you hiding from a flock of birds?.they're just a flock of-" Aragorn said.until a bird pooped on him, "EWW!"  
  
"HI BIRDIES! What are you up to on this fine day?" Pippin yelled, smiling for no apparent reason.  
  
"We are spying on you! Mwahahahhahahah- ooo, bacon!" a bird said. Pippin thought about this for a minute.or two.or five.or twenty.  
  
"Okay!" In the bird's haste to get bacon, he collided into Pippin's head. He (the bird) then fell dead. All the other birds fled to tell Saruman of the "powerful, bird-killing head".  
  
"Oh, hello gentlemen. Did you know that Hyperbola is commonly defined as the locus of points P such that the difference of the distances from P to two fixed points F1, F2 called foci are constant. That is, Abs[ distance[P,F1] - distance[P,F2] ] == 2 a, where a is a constant. The eccentricity is a number that describe the "flatness" of the hyperbola. Let the distance between foci be 2 c, then eccentricity e is defined by e := c/a. 1 e. The larger the eccentricity, the more it resembles two parallel lines. As e approaches 1, the hyperbola around the focus gets shaper. The line passing through foci is the axis of the hyperbola. A line passing through center and perpendicular to the axis is the transverse axis. The vertexes are the intersections of the hyperbola and its axis. A rectangular hyperbola is a hyperbola with eccentricity Sqrt[2]. Its asymptotes are mutually perpendicular. A simple Cartesian equation for rectangular hyperbola is x y == 1. Rectangular hyperbola have the property that when streched along one or both of its asymptotes, the curve remains the same. That is, the curve {t, 1/t n}, {t n, 1/t}, and {t, 1/t} Sqrt[n] are the same curve with various degrees of magnification. And also." Pippin went on and on for another hour or so.  
  
"Uh.Aragorn, did you catch anything after he said 'hello gentlemen'?" Legolas blinked.  
  
"What? No.what's a hy.hy.per.bowl?" Aragorn tried to follow Pippin, failing miserably.  
  
"A hyperbowl?.Maybe it's a special hobbit bowl made just for an overdose of Prozac pills." Legolas shrugged.  
  
"Oooo..that might be it! Wait, he's on.para.bowls now.shhh." Aragorn focused interestedly on Pippin's lecture. I mean, who DOESN'T want to know how to find the focal width of a parabola?  
  
["I do! I do!" a random geek yelled out. *BONK! * There. He's taken care of. Moving on.]  
  
"Pippin?.Have you gone dumber or something? You're not making sense." Merry frowned.  
  
"Maybe it was the BIRD." Gandalf said, sounding suspiciously like he was pointing out the obvious without trying to, but failing.  
  
"Nah." Legolas began searching for a plug outlet again.(How big can Hollin get?! Not very? I thought so.)  
  
"What else??"  
  
"A random explosion of hidden genius that was kept bottled up all these years! Maybe."  
  
"..I think I'll stick with the bird."  
  
********************************************************  
  
I know I said that this chapter will be better.well, it's not. Sorry!! I'm open to any ideas now since mine kinda ran out.  
  
I don't suppose I'll get many more reviews for this one.but it WOULD be nice if you did.after all, I'm nearly half way to one hundred.*hinthint* 


	7. An EVIL sorceress and an unspeakable vid...

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. I STILL don't own LOTR.  
  
Btw~ Thank you for the reviews!!! Ya know who you are.  
  
NOTE (AKA WARNING): If you are known to easily throw up or whatnot, DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER! Just a warning, because if you DO get sick after reading this, don't stalk me. I'm too poor to pay medical bills. So.this is a note for all you untainted ones out there.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship in.Lothlorien. Yeah, I skipped the Moria part. Nothing exciting happened except that the Fellowship had a difficult time because Pippin got stuck in that stupid well and they tried to fight the orcs and get him out at the same time. Aragorn whapped him on the head with the butter knife for that, so Pippin has returned back to normal. Gandalf "died", but no biggie. We don't miss him anyway. All he did was talk and.never mind.]  
  
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Pippin hopped up and down eagerly.  
  
"*groan*" the Fellowship said. It was the 1,203,465th time he said that.  
  
"NO, WE'RE NOT THERE YET!" Aragorn was walking around, looking for Lothlorien.  
  
"Where are we going again?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Lothlorien,"  
  
"O_O AHHH! EVIL SORCERESS!" Gimli said. His first words since the beginning of the whole journey. (yay.bring out the balloons.)  
  
"Silly dwarf," Aragorn said.  
  
"Oooo! Look! Look! I think that's it!" Legolas pointed to a random nearby forest two feet away from them.  
  
"Noooo.I don't think that's it.the travel guide says that the trees are supposed to glisten and shine a golden.jello?" Aragorn blinked at the frayed travel guide.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" A loud male voice crackled in the air from the forest that was two feet away from the Fellowship.  
  
"I TOLD you that was it." Legolas said in a superior tone.  
  
"What's with the crackly voice?" Merry asked.  
  
"SOMEONE SAT ON THE MEGAPHONE AND OUR P.A. SYSTEM'S KINDA LIKE 600000000 YEARS OLD, SO IT MAKES MY VOICE SOUND CRACKLY, OK?? IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I TOOK SINGING LESSONS YOU KNOW." the male crackly voice spoke again. A different crackly voice (a female one this time) overtook the previous crackly voice. "HALDIR! ARE YOU PLAYING WITH THE P.A. SYSTEM AGAIN? YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH IT! DO YOU WANT ME TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE FOREST WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? I WILL IF YOU DON'T TURN IT OFF RIGHT- *click*"  
  
"Well.that was interesting."  
  
"WHOA! Elves.lots of elves." A bunch of elves came pointing arrows at the Fellowship as they entered the forest.  
  
"Hurry it up!! Move it, short legs! We're missing our hair appointments. The Lady wants to see you." The elves shouted, pushing them this way and that through the trees.  
  
"How come the trees aren't shining a golden.jello?" Legolas peered intently at the trees as they were being moved along.  
  
"I don't know.what is jello?"  
  
"Lemme see that travel guide, Aragorn."  
  
"Okay,"  
  
"*readread* Aragorn!!! It says the trees are supposed to shine a golden YELLOW!!! How the hell did you get JELLO out of that???"  
  
"I knew that wasn't it."  
  
"But.why AREN'T the trees shining a golden yellow?"  
  
"Because the Lady decided to cut the electricity bill," a nearby elf move-along-er said dejectedly.  
  
"Ohhh." Finally they reached the dwelling of Lady Galadriel.  
  
"Helllooo.." Lady Gaddy (as we will call her) said in a low, mysterious voice.  
  
"Helllooo." Pippin imitated her.  
  
"Did I say you could talk?? NO!"  
  
"."  
  
"As I was saying.Helllooo.Where is Gandalf?.*thinks*.wait, I don't even want to think about it.come! We shall eat together!!!" Lady Gaddy swept them off to eat.food. After dinner was over, Lady Gaddy led the whole Fellowship to her.DUNDUNDUN!.mirror!  
  
"Sit down, children!!" Lady Gaddy commanded the Fellowship.  
  
"We aren't children." Aragorn said.  
  
"Silence!! When you get to be 10,000 years old, you, too, will think that 45 year olds are quite the children! Youngsters these days.always denying they're children." Lady Gaddy said.  
  
"But I won't live to be 10,000 years old."  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"I don't get it." Aragorn scratched his head.  
  
"What is THAT?" Lady Gaddy noticed Aragorn's polka dot outfit.  
  
"Erm.yellow..polka dots.?"  
  
"*GASP* Is my granddaughter marrying someone without a FASHION sense?? THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"  
  
"It wasn't my fault."  
  
"Silence! Let us move on." Lady Gaddy walked over the mirror and tilted it so that the inside of the bowl (with the water inside of it) was facing the seated Fellowship like a movie screen. The water somehow didn't fall out.  
  
"Today, you children will learn about LIFE." Lady Gaddy held a bright pink video tape in her hands.  
  
"I hope it isn't a fashion walk video like last time." Aragorn buried his face in his hands.  
  
"You will see things that were, things that are, and things that will come to pass.*stares pointedly at Aragorn*.YOU had better pay attention," Lady Gaddy explained about the bright pink video tape.  
  
"I'm afraid to look." Frodo mumbled, curling into a ball.  
  
"YOU HAVE TO LOOK! IT'S MANDATORY!" Lady Gaddy began turning greenily funny.  
  
"Uh oh.you think she had too much Prilosec?" Aragorn whispered.  
  
"Hell yeah," Legolas whispered back. Lady Gaddy calmed down and happily popped the tape in the side of the birdbath-thing.somehow.  
  
"After this movie, I expect ALL of you to complete the worksheet!" Lady Gaddy pointed to a pile of papers right next to a chair she sat down in. She held out a remote and pressed PLAY.  
  
"If it's about life, I wonder how long it's going to be.I can't hold my pee that long." Sam said, frowning.  
  
"THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!" the narrator on the video tape announced the title excitingly.  
  
"Okaaay." Aragorn responded to the over-enthusiastic narrator.  
  
"SHHH! OR I'LL SEND YOU TO TIME-OUT!" Lady Gaddy shouted at him.  
  
"Sorry." He said meekly.  
  
"FOCUS, CHILDREN, FOCUS!" Lady Gaddy waved her hand to the "movie screen". A happy man on the screen smiled brightly and said,  
  
"Today, children, we shall learn of how you came to be."  
  
The Fellowship: O_O;;;;  
  
"I REALLY don't want to watch already." Aragorn blinked furiously.  
  
"We have currently sent a tube camera through patients John and Jane as they have sex so that we may FOLLOW John's sperm patterns," the narrator continued.  
  
THUMP! Sam fainted.  
  
"Join me in this adventure towards new life!" the narrator faded out.  
  
"Ad.ven.ture.?" Legolas looked about ready to throw up.  
  
"Now we see John's high metabolism increasing even more.the white wriggling sperms are now swimming their way towards the POINT of John's manhood, ready to MAKE the journey from one body to another." the narrator wasn't short of buoyancy.  
  
This went on and on and on and on for some time.*gag*  
  
At the end of the movie when the credits are rolling.(if I were them, I would NOT want my name rolling on the credits.but see, thankfully, I'm NOT one of them.).  
  
".I.knew.she.was.an.evil.sor.cer.ess." Gimli was lying flat the ground, twitching uncontrollably.  
  
"Must.not.think.of.Arwen.after.movie..must.resist.AGH!" Aragorn was clutching his head, his eyes in the oh-my-God-I-am-scarred-for-life mode. Legolas already passed out for quite some time. If you remember, Sam was like this: X_X two minutes into the movie. Frodo tried to run away but ran smack into a tree and is now imbedded in that tree (cartoon-style.heehee!), therefore also like this: X_X.  
  
"Itsy.bitsy.teeny.weeny.yellow.polka.dot..bikini...Boromir..must.not.think.w hat..is.under.neath..must..not.never..bad..image.." Boromir was singing that one funny-sounding oldies song in a monotonous, possessed voice. Merry was in the hospital wing. He threw up. No surprise.  
  
"SO! What did you guys think of the movie?? Wasn't it EDUCATIONAL? I hope you learned something!! ARAGORN." She said, glaring at him pointedly, "If you are to marry MY granddaughter, you are to see this three more times!"  
  
"Nooooo..." Aragorn covered his ears and shut his eyes.  
  
"That was a FANTASTIC movie, Lady Gaddy! But why did you make us watch a movie with a buncha tadpoles in a big pink tube?" Pippin obviously didn't listen to the narrator of the movie (smart move).  
  
Lady Galadriel is seen slapping her forehead.  
  
Repeatedly.  
  
********************************************************  
  
I hope this chapter was funnier! Review! You know you want to.please? 


	8. Leaving Lothlorien with no motor boats?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. I STILL don't own LOTR.  
  
Btw~ Thank you for the reviews!!! Ya know who you are.  
  
Note to julia: Oh, you don't need to question my sanity. ^_^ I am indeed insane.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship presently walking out of Lothlorien.quickly. Heading towards those boats to go to the river Anduin. Yay.]  
  
"Uh.yeah Lady.we.umm.really need to get.going." Aragorn said haltingly, for he was still traumatized by the horrible horrible video.  
  
"Nonsense! You can't go yet!!" Lady Gaddy exclaimed.  
  
Fellowship: O_O  
  
"I have gifts for you!" Lady Gaddy smiled.  
  
"Uh oh." Merry was magically recovered and back from the hospital wing. The rest of the Fellowship winced, save Pippin who was jumping up and down in delight.  
  
"Ooo! What do we get? What do we get?"  
  
"Don't be THAT excited! You forget I'm on a budget," Lady Gaddy said.  
  
"Oh.umm.darn," Aragorn tried contorting his face to a face of sympathy. It didn't work.  
  
"ARAGORN! You first," Lady Gaddy motioned him to come closer.  
  
".I like the place where I'm standing now.umm.thank you.grass.very soft right here." Aragorn jumped up and down to prove his point.  
  
"I SAID Aragorn, you first!"  
  
"Just go, Aragorn! The faster we get our.er.gifts, the faster we can get out of here!" Legolas hissed.  
  
"Alrite, alrite." Aragorn reluctantly shuffled over to Lady Gaddy and held out his hands.  
  
"You get.a sheath for your sword!" Lady Gaddy snapped her fingers. All the surrounding elf guards automatically clapped their hands. Aragorn peered at what she put in his hands: a cardboard sheath? Okaaay.well, it could be useful when they run out of firewood, anyway.  
  
"Boromir, you next! Hurry it up people, just get in line! I don't have all day." Lady Gaddy presented a beautiful.gold-foil belt? Boromir just blinked and reluctantly put it on as the Lady instructed him to do so.  
  
"Lightweight, isn't it?" Lady Gaddy said right after Boromir put his belt on. Boromir just nodded slowly. Then she presented two aluminum-foil belts with gold-foil flowers on them to Pippin and Merry.  
  
"Ohhh! They're so pretty!" Pippin put his on immediately. Merry inspected his belt thoroughly to make sure the Lady didn't hide any disgusting films in it. Merry pronounced his satisfaction by putting it in his pack.not too carefully, either.  
  
"Legolas! You next! Move your feet! C'mon!" Lady Gaddy presented Legolas with a brand-new plastic bow and suction cup arrows.  
  
"Uhh.thank you, Lady.I'm sure they'll come in handy.someday." Legolas forced a smile. Next, Lady Gaddy gave Sam a box of "special" dirt.  
  
"It's dirt!" Lady Gaddy stated the obvious, "For um.when you need it! Off you go." Sam just stared at his box.  
  
"Hey! You! Umm.. Forgot your name.. Dwarf! Yes, you!" Lady Gaddy gave Gimli three strands of her own hair, "I don't know why you would want this, but hey, if I ever die, which I'm pretty sure I won't, these will be worth a lot.I think," Gimli raised one eyebrow and shoved the three strands of hair in his pocket.  
  
"And, you, Ringbearer (because I also forgot your name.it was Frogo, wasn't it?)!" Lady Gaddy held her present for Frodo behind her back, "I am giving you something VERY special of mine!" Frodo was afraid.  
  
"What is it?" He asked when she put what looked like a perfume bottle in his hands.  
  
"I call it the Essence of Galadriel," She beamed.  
  
Fellowship: O_O;;  
  
"I don't even want to know," Aragorn said.  
  
"May it prove useful!" Lady Gaddy waved as they were led away by a sentry of elves towards a dock.  
  
"Ooo! We get boats?" Pippin exclaimed, eyeing the small, white boats that floated by the dock.  
  
"Hey.Arwen said we'd be getting motor boats!" Aragorn complained.  
  
"Didn't the Lady tell you she was on a budget?" An elf guard let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Oh.yeah."Aragorn said depressingly.  
  
"So.get on already!" the elf guard said, shooing them into the boats.  
  
"I.don't.like.boats." Sam looked ready to throw up.  
  
"Hey hey hey! Don't throw up on the boats! They were only 20% off!" the elf guard looked frightened. Sam nodded, still feeling queasy. Frodo huddled on the corner of his boat.  
  
"Yay.more room for me." Aragorn muttered to himself.  
  
"Oh right.before I forget.here are your paddles!" the elf guard presented white paddles (plastic of course), "May they help guide you along the raging rivers of the Anduin!" Then, suddenly, all the elves disappeared. (Not disappear into thin air.they just.disappeared into the forest.oh, never mind.)  
  
"Did he just say we're supposed to use THESE?" Boromir banged his plastic paddle on the side of the boat.  
  
"You really shouldn't have done that." Legolas said.  
  
"Done what?"  
  
"Hit your boat,"  
  
"Why not? These paddles are plastic! PLASTIC!"  
  
"Well, now you have a dent on the side of your boat."  
  
"WHAT??" Boromir leaned over to check.  
  
"Boromir.your boat.umm.you're going to-" Legolas started. SPLASH! Boromir was too heavy and the boat tipped over, "-fall."  
  
"HEELLPP! WE'RE GOING TO DROWN!" Pippin and Merry thrashed around in the water.  
  
"I'll save you!" Aragorn dug through his pack for rope, "Nope! Sorry, I don't have rope.I have a hot pink.VIDEO TAPE? HOW DID THAT GET IN HERE?" Aragorn shrieked and threw it in the river.  
  
"Oh, for crying out loud! You can stand in this.river.if it's called a river," Boromir looked at the 3 feet deep "river" he was standing in.  
  
"Oh look Merry! We CAN stand! Look look! I'm standing!!" Pippin danced.  
  
"I would call you brilliant if I haven't discovered that already." Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, c'mon! Let's just go!" Legolas sighed. As soon as Boromir, Pippin, and Merry got back on their boat, they started off.  
  
"Paddle left, paddle right, paddle left, paddle right, paddle rift, paddle leght.wait, that's not right." Aragorn was trying to follow the paddling patterns that Legolas taught him. Legolas slapped his forehead and kept on paddling.  
  
"THIS is going to be a loooong day." He said, sounding weary already. Gimli just nodded.  
  
Little did the Fellowship know that the horrible video tape was floating after them.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Review! You know you want to.please? 


	9. The NotSoGreat River

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Well.I own this story.a bit obvious, there.  
  
Btw~ Ooo! I got more reviews! Thank you!!! Happy me.and you know what? When I'm happy, I'm prone to write more.so.see that pretty review button down there? I would love it if you clicked on that. =)  
  
Note to Egon-Starcollector: The kind of soda I drink is.*dramatic pause*.none other than the wonderful Coke that sits in my basement.and is running out very quickly.I swear, the basement eats it.ok, never mind me.  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship on the river Anduin on their on-sale-20%-off little white boats, paddling with cheap plastic paddles. This should be fun.]  
  
"So.why are we paddling down a river to nowhere again?" Pippin asked, tapping Boromir's shoulder for the gazillion-and-oneth time.  
  
"Shut up.I'm paddling.don't ask me." Boromir was trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to keep his anger in. And so far he's doing pretty good. *waves Boromir flag*  
  
"Why won't anyone answer my questions?." Pippin sniffed. (Aww.)  
  
A few minutes pass by.  
  
"Oh! Lookee Merry! Lookee lookee!" Merry was, however, currently engrossed in reading a book he found in Boromir's pack: How To Defend Yourself With A Shield! (must be an interesting read.)  
  
"Merrryyyy..."  
  
"Be quiet, Pippin! If it's another one of those FASCINATING water bugs, I'll make you eat it!" Boromir exclaimed, thwapping Pippin on the head with the plastic paddle.  
  
"You shouldn't have done that."  
  
"What NOW Legolas?"  
  
"You kinda well.how to put this bluntly.bended your paddle,"  
  
"ARRG! NOW I HAVE NO PADDLE!"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship: Oo;;  
  
"Pippin, you dolt!" Boromir screamed (almost makes him sound like a girl, eh?.*momentarily hides from any Boromir fans out there*).  
  
"Hey! Wasn't my-uh oh," Pippin said. FWACK! (bet you never heard that one before) The boat collided with the sharp, pointy-rock wall that was on the side of the river. Merry didn't notice and continued reading.  
  
"DUCT TAPE! I NEED DUCT TAPE!" Boromir cried flailing around in the water that was slowly (if not MENACINGLY.mwahahaha..) overtaking the boat. Magically, some duct tape appeared in Aragorn's pack and it was lobbed into Boromir's sinking boat. Somehow, the boat (as well as the paddle) was quickly fixed and was afloat again.  
  
"Damn Elven boats." Boromir looked with deep disgust at his wet seat.  
  
"*GASP* YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!" Legolas unfortunately heard.  
  
"NO, I WON'T! THIS THING NEARLY CAUSED THE DEATH OF ME!" Boromir replied. The two kept fighting and bickering (while paddling.rather floating down the river.at the same time and lobbing random things at each other..like cheese, for example)  
  
"YOU DID NOT JUST THROW CHEESE IN MY HAIR!" Legolas gasped, taking the cheese out and throwing it back in Boromir's boat, hitting his sword.  
  
"*GASP!* YOU JUST MADE MY SWORD CHEESY! YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!" Boromir yelled while throwing the cheese in the water and brandishing his sword, waving it wildly.  
  
"MAKE ME! I GOT ARROWS AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM!" Legolas pulled out his quiver of arrows and pointing his bow in Boromir's direction for good.measure. Gimli just rolled his eyes and took Legolas's paddle and kept on rowing, as he saw that the faster they went, the faster they could get on land.somewhere.and eat some cooked food. He was getting hungry as was everyone else. Aragorn just stuffed beeswax (how he got beeswax? I don't know) in his ears so that Legolas doesn't damage his eardrums. Smart guy. Pippin looked on interestedly but spotted something horrible.something great and terrible looming up.(no, it's not Britney Spear's hot pink cruise ship, but hey, it coulda been).  
  
"Heyyy..guys?.." Pippin started. Of course, no one heard him over the bickering and shouting and screaming and shrieking and threatening and ruckus- (I'll stop now) that Boromir and Legolas were making. A great white shark with the HOT PINK VIDEO TAPE (told you it'd be back. ^_^) stuck between its teeth came ever nearer to the Fellowship.  
  
"I think that's a shark, guys.I think it wants to eat us, guys..guys? Hello?? Shark!!" Pippin yelled.  
  
"Don't be such a sillywart Pippin. There are no sharks in rivers," Merry was on page 37: TIP #19-Now remember, hold the shield in FRONT of you.  
  
"But.it's coming closer.it kinda looks evil." Pippin shrank back.  
  
"BOROMIR, GROW UP!" Legolas cried.  
  
"OHHH, MAKE ME! AT LEAST I'M NOT SOME NANCY PRANCY PRINCE! I'M A MANLY STEWARD!.ERR.STEWARD'S SON!" Boromir raged.  
  
"Shark, guys.Sharkkkk!!" Pippin screeched, covering his face. Of course, no one was able to hear him.poor hobbit. Legolas just lobbed (I love that word) an arrow at Boromir when the shark raised itself up and tried to eat Boromir.but missed, splashing back into the water. Legolas's arrow JUST missed Boromir and hit the shark in the eye (I wonder how that could've happened.*innocent whistle*).  
  
"I TOLD YOU ALL there was a shark..but noooo.no one listens to sillywart Pippin." Pippin sulked. The splash UNFORTUNATELY soaked Boromir's book.  
  
"AHHH! THE BOOK'S WET! WHO DID THAT?" Merry looked up wildly.  
  
*cue for the rolling of all eyes*  
  
Aragorn just sat in his boat, limply holding his paddle, traumatized by what he just seen. "Aragorn?.ARAGORN!" Legolas grabbed back his paddle from Gimli, rowed over to Aragorn's boat, and yelled as loud as he could in Aragorn's ear. (And THAT'S gotta hurt.)  
  
"AHHHHH! OWOWOW.what??" The beeswax from Aragorn's ears mysteriously disappeared (maybe the big splash of water forced them out..hmm..let's think about that one..I really gotta stop doing these comments in parentheses.I bet they're driving you nuts).  
  
"Are you ok? It was only a shark."  
  
"ONLY A SHARK? IT WAS THE SHARK OF DOOM!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"DID YOU SEE IT'S TEETH?"  
  
"..no,"  
  
"THE TAPE THE TAPE!"  
  
"*gasp!* Don't tell me it ate the duct tape!!!" Boromir cried, woefully looking at a small hole that appeared at the side of his boat (above the water level though.so no worries.he's not gonna die.yet.mwahahahahaha..).  
  
"NO! NO! PINK! PINKNESS!"  
  
"What is Aragorn talking about?" Legolas looked confusedly at Boromir, their argument temporarily forgotten in the midst of Aragorn's.troubles. Boromir just shrugged, not really caring.  
  
"Wait." Sam spoke up, trying to listen intently to Aragorn's incoherent babbling of terror, ".pink.tape.video.tape.pink.video.teeth.I think what he's trying to say is that he ate a pink video tape."  
  
"Eww! Aragorn! How could you eat a video tape?? That's just.ugh! WHAT that could do to your digestive system, I don't even want to THINK about!" Legolas grimaced. Too late. Everyone pondered what that could do to Aragorn's digestive system.  
  
"Oh, you fools. He means that the shark had the evil hot pink video tape of Galadriel stuck between its teeth!" a mystical disembodied voice said.  
  
"Who said that? What? An evil hot pink video tape was stuck between Galadriel's teeth? What?" Legolas said. All heard a heavy exasperated sigh from above.  
  
"No! Galadriel's evil hot pink video tape was stuck between the shark's teeth! Why am I doing this job? It doesn't even pay well.I'm going now.no more Mr. Nice-Disembodied-Voice.*click*"  
  
"Ohh! I think I get it. Galadriel's evil hot pink video tape was stuck between the shark's teeth!" Legolas exclaimed proudly. Then he just realized what he just said, "AHH! THE VIDEO TAPE! NOOO!!"  
  
"Don't tell me that..that..THE VIDEO TAPE IS HERE!" Boromir screamed, shutting his eyes and covering his ears (for no reason whatsoever). Aragorn still sat motionless and in shock.  
  
"Oh, c'mon guys! We killed the shark! And-" Pippin started.  
  
"I killed the shark," Legolas said.emphasizing the 'I' a little more than necessary.  
  
"Yeah, whatever. We killed the shark so the tape is gone!" Pippin announced what he later called Pippin's Shark and Video Tape Theory. But let's not talk about that right now. The Fellowship took a full 5 seconds to think about this.  
  
"Yay!!" They all celebrated joyously. Then they continued paddling down the river, again bringing up the argument between Boromir and Legolas (*sigh*.when will they ever learn.).  
  
faint far-away-ish voices down the river  
  
"Boromir.don't tell me you threw that cheese away.that was our dinner."  
  
"What cheese?"  
  
"The cheese that dirtied my hair!"  
  
"I threw no chee- wait, I threw it.in the river. Yeah, that's what I did. Did you say it was our DINNER?.Well, if you told me in the first place."  
  
"Great!!! Now we have no dinner! You never asked! See, Aragorn? See?? I TOLD you to entrust ME with the food, but noooo.HE gets to carry it because he didn't make fun of your ugly, distasteful polka dots.what do you mean 'there I go again'?."  
  
glubglub  
  
A tattered, but still living pink video tape floated ominously to the surface of the river.  
  
******************************************************** 


	10. Arriving at AmonChicken?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Well.I own this story.a bit obvious, there.  
  
Btw~ Wow! I love all you reviewers! *waves a 'reviewers rule!' flag* Thank you!!! Ya know who you are.  
  
Note: You all made me so happy! So I made a special chapter after this one! ^_^ But, uh, read this one first.please? (and it wouldn't hurt to click the pretty review button either.)  
  
Another Note: Thank you to those who reviewed more than once! *waves to julia, Esteladuial, Egon-Starcollector, and any others that I shamefully missed*  
  
******************************************************** [Fellowship STILL on the river Anduin on their on-sale-20%-off little white boats, paddling with cheap plastic paddles. Heading towards Amon Hen. Interesting.]  
  
"You know, guys.according to this map, we're heading BACK to Lothlorien." Aragorn peered at his map. A few minutes later.  
  
.an "AHH!" is heard from him.  
  
"A bit slow there." Pippin muttered.  
  
"One word comes to mind, Pippin, when you say that.can I say 'hypocrite'?" Merry scoffed. He was still ticked off about the wet book ("The shark could've ASKED whether I was done with the book or not.").  
  
"Hippo-what?"  
  
"Never mind, Pip."  
  
"Aragorn, give me that map." Legolas paddled his boat near Aragorn's and snatched the map out of his hands. An exasperated sigh is soon heard.  
  
"Upside down, Aragorn. It was UPSIDE-DOWN! How could we even be going back to Lothlorien when this river goes in one direction only??"  
  
"How come my maps are ALWAYS upside-down?.Can they ever print them right?." Aragorn sulked.  
  
"And it seems to me.that we will be reaching a waterfall shortly." Legolas examined the map while Gimli took up his paddle.again.  
  
"Ooo! Waterfalls! I've always wanted to see waterfall rainbows and-" Pippin started joyously.  
  
"I think.you misunderstand me, Pippin. The waterfall we will be reaching VERY shortly is going downwards," Legolas said.  
  
"Well, duh! Waterfalls don't go upwards! Hence, waterFALLS."  
  
"Nonono! Let me put it this way JUST for you..VERY VERY shortly, we'll be going OVER a waterfall," Legolas replied.  
  
"AHHHH!"  
  
"We're going to die!"  
  
"I'M going to die!"  
  
And other various screams rose up. Soon they stopped.  
  
"I'll take that map back, THANK YOU!" Aragorn's boat scraped Legolas's boat and Aragorn snatched his map back.  
  
"Well, right before there's that waterfall, Fall of Ra.Ru.Ruckus they seemed to have named it, we can paddle to shore onto.Amon.Neh? Henh?.Chicken?.Amon Chicken, people!"  
  
"You scratched my boat!!! You'll pay for that..gimme that!" Again, Legolas snatched the map.  
  
"AMON HEN, YOU DOLT!"  
  
"Hen.Chicken.What's the difference??"  
  
"For one, hen's got three letters and chicken's got-"  
  
"Oh, shut up!!!" Boromir yelled, "IT. DOESN'T. MATTER!"  
  
"Hen," Legolas hissed.  
  
"Chicken," Aragorn whispered, retorting.  
  
"Hen!"  
  
"Chicken!"  
  
"Ribbit!" a nearby frog added.  
  
"I didn't ask YOU!" Legolas yelled at it.  
  
"Whatever." Aragorn said, "Hey.lookit! Big statues of old men!"  
  
"Who are they?" Legolas was confused.  
  
"Duh! EVERYBODY knows! They are-" Aragorn whipped out notecards.then gave up trying to pronounce their names, "-my ancestors," Legolas just rolled his eyes. As they floated past.  
  
"Eww.they need pedicures." Legolas winced as he rowed past the statues' gigantic feet. (I don't know how Gimli puts up with him in the same boat.Dwarves are special.I guess) It was Aragorn's turn to roll HIS eyes.  
  
"Impressive," Boromir said passively, not even looking at the statues. They FINALLY rowed to shore onto Amon Chi- I mean, Hen.  
  
"AUGH! I am so DIRTY! Must wash in the river." Legolas looked at his clothes, "Thank god I brought spare clothes with me."  
  
"He ACTUALLY brings spare clothes with him?" Aragorn raised an eyebrow.something like this: o_O  
  
"Well, I like to keep CLEAN, unlike SOME people who don't take baths within a time frame of 20 years."  
  
"I DO TOO take baths! Last one I took was 8 months ag-" Aragorn stopped abruptly in surprise. Legolas finished stripping (don't we all love that word.) and dove into the river.  
  
"Please tell me I didn't see that." Aragorn blinked furiously.  
  
"But you did," Pippin appeared at his side, giving involuntary shudders.  
  
"I know, I know!" Aragorn huddled under a tree.  
  
"My.eyes.my.virgin.eyes." Boromir was frozen to the spot, traumatized by what he just seen.which was what Aragorn just saw.which you all know was Legolas.doing something he shouldn't do on a big screen in a movie theater. (We all know the janitors would have to paid over-time to clean up excess drool.)  
  
"So.you ARE a virgin, then?" Pippin ventured. Boromir turned a beautiful tomato-ey red.  
  
"Wh-what give you the right to ask???" He sputtered.  
  
"Well, ARE you?" Aragorn eyed him questioningly (isn't that a cool word?.questioningly.that IS a word.isn't it?.).  
  
"O-of course I am!..NOT!" Boromir suddenly became fascinated with the dirt beneath his feet.  
  
"Let us change the subject, shall we?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Let's," Pippin was getting bored.  
  
"GAHHH! Is Legolas FLOATING on the River?? FLOATING UP? Tell me it's a log.tell me it's a log." Aragorn shrieked. (No more details, rabid fangirls.I'm NOT about to go there.so don't attack me with your.rabidness.)  
  
"I'm not looking!!!" Boromir covered his eyes with his hands and hid himself behind his shield (that was TIP #27, by the way, from that one book.).  
  
"Well.ahem.I can tell you, Aragorn, that it looks much more like Legolas than a log." Pippin said haltingly (weird.he must be traumatize- proofed.)  
  
"THERAPIST! JUDY, I NEED MY THERAPIST!"  
  
"Judy?" Merry spoke up.  
  
"Sorry.my secretary.rather agent.no, just secretary."  
  
"Therrrrrapist." Pippin, not having heard this important word before, tried to work the word out, "Therrr.apist.The..rapist..*GASP* Aragorn!! How could you be so evil?? You need a RAPIST? How could you?" Pippin whacked Aragorn with a.a stick.  
  
"Wha- OW!!."  
  
"Hey.guys.should we tell Legolas that he's going to float down the waterfall if he doesn't stop floating soon?" Sam said. (Ooo.we haven't heard from him in a while.Oh, don't worry, Frodo's.somewhere. He got enuff screentime on the movie, he gets less here.) The Fellowship paused to think about this.  
  
"Well, he DOES make decent scrambled eggs." Merry said.  
  
"But he stole my map!" Aragorn said indignantly (don't you love these -ly words?).  
  
"Well, if he dies, I claim his suction-cup arrows!" Pippin smiled.  
  
"Well, I claim his bow and you can't shoot without a bow, so there!" Merry stuck his tongue out.  
  
"Well, I claim his QUIVER! And you can't shoot without ARROWS, now can you? CAN you?" Pippin shot back. ('Shot' back.heehee.annnnd I'm guessing that wasn't funny.)  
  
"Oh, shut up!!!" (the infamous words of Boromir) Boromir said, tying a blindfold around his eyes, "I'll just go warn him but I don't want to SEE him.so be on the lookout, guys, and warn me if I'm going to smack into a-" SMACK! Boromir walked right into a tree, "-tree,"  
  
"Oh never mind! Just let me scream." Pippin offered. (I feel a headache coming on.)  
  
"Uh oh." the rest of the Fellowship plugged their ears wisely.except for Legolas.  
  
"LEEGGGOOLLLLAASSS!!!!!"  
  
"ACCKK!" SPLASH! Legolas stopped floating.  
  
"Heehee.that was fun." Pippin giggled. The rest of the Fellowship glared at him.  
  
"Owwowwow.my perfect, delicate, Elven-sense of hearing." Legolas dressed quickly (do I hear a 'dammit!' among you rabid fangirls?.no, I suppose not..) and rubbed his ears as he walked over to the Fellow-heck, just 'everyone else' will do. (We all established the fact that Gandalf's "dead" so he's not included with 'everyone else'. Riiiight? Poor left-out git.)  
To be continued! (We're not done with Amon Chi- I mean, Hen yet.mwahahahaha..AND DON'T FORGET THE EVIL PINK VIDEO TAPE! You thought I forgot about that, didn't you?.heeheeheeeheee..oh, but I DIDN'T...)  
(Well..*hinthint*...it JUST might depend on the reviews..you know you want to..)  
  
******************************************************** 


	11. Special Short Chapter! original name, I ...

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Well.I own this story.a bit obvious, there.  
  
Btw~ *sniff* I love all you reviewers.  
  
********************************************************  
  
SPECIAL INTERRUPTION CHAPTER EDITION! FANATICAL IDEA AT TWO IN THE MORNING: HOBBIT MUSICAL NUMBER!  
  
(I knowwww you're thinking "Oh god.")  
  
You know that hobbit musical number that Peter Jackson is putting on the Special Extended Version FOTR DVD (that's coming out November 12th)?  
  
*crickets chirp.silence*  
  
Anyway.well, why wait till November? It's all here.  
  
(Note: *cough* I MADE THIS UP! *cough* Moving on.)  
  
********************************************************  
  
"Please...no..this isn't a striptease, is it?" Aragorn covered his face.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship (except the hobbits.which really only leaves Legolas and Gimli.so why bother saying 'the rest of the Fellowship'? I don't know.) made this face: O_O  
  
"NOOOOO!!" cried all four hobbit voices.in unison (they're scaring me already.), "We think." (in unison.again.gah!!)  
  
Gimli: *timidly presses the PLAY button*  
  
*music starts*  
  
"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MAH PANTS!! TOO SEXY FOR MAH-"  
  
*music ends*  
  
You know what? Let's just cut it at that. You can hold out till November..  
  
******************************************************** 


	12. MONSTERS?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I OWN EVERYTHING!!!!!.*voice dwindles away*...not.  
  
Btw~ Due to demands, I WILL continue with TTT and ROTK. However, I will give warnings in big capital letters (in every new chapter) for those who haven't read it yet. Thank you for that reminder, elijahsbaby1981. I STILL THANK ALL OF THE REVIEWERS!!! ^_^ You are all my new best friends!!!!!  
  
Reviewer #12: Wow.is she ever socially-deprived.  
  
Reviewer #36: Oo;; Is she going to hug us again?  
  
Reviewer #59: I hope not.*is backing away slowly from author*  
  
Waiiiiit!!! *voice fades away*  
  
******************************************************** This is the long awaited chapter! Sorry for the delay! Author was busy. Bad author. So, here you go!  
  
[Fellowship at Amon Hen.about to meet something the whole WORLD will be traumatized by.nice, eh?]  
  
"I sense something growing in my mind.I can feel it." Legolas muttered sentimentally by the fire Gimli set up (campfire, mind you), twirling his hair.a lot.  
  
"Well, it's not your brain, that's for sure." Aragorn said. The rest of the Fellowship (except for Legolas.duh) snickered.  
  
"Ha-bloody-ha," Legolas rolled his eyes (Had to put that quote in! I love it. The only time Legolas is British, I promise!). Then, he continued to twirl his hair. "AHA! Got it!" Legolas proudly held up two split-ends (YES, Legolas's hair is capable of having split-ends.). "I KNEW something was growing."  
  
"Split-ends grow?" Pippin asked.  
  
"You know what I mean!" Legolas said with an exasperated sigh, putting his hands on his hips.  
  
"What do you mean?" Pippin was (adorably.aww!) clueless.  
  
"Never mind." Legolas rolled his eyes.again.  
~Just before the Fellowship reached Amon Hen~  
  
"AHA! There! Dig beneath the dirt, my orcs, DIG!" Saruman excitedly pointed to a mud lump. (In case you are lost, Saruman and his orcs were digging around Orthanc in those big big big tunnely hole-ish things..oh, I can't explain it! But you know what I mean.right?)  
  
"What do you think we've been DOING in the past week?." Orc number 47 muttered. And so, the orcs.dug. A sudden appearing head of lanky hair from that mud lump made the orcs jump back in anticipation and fear.  
  
"Oh, thank you! It's so musty down here. My HAIR! Oh! Eww! I'll have to fix that." An Uruk-Hai dressed in a bright red, sparkly, sleeveless, just-above-the-knee dress popped up. Accompanying that were red sparkly shoes, a black tilted top hat, and white hand gloves. The Uruk-Hai smoothed down its (I'm really afraid to say 'he' right now) dress and arranged its top hat.  
  
"Well! I don't recognize THIS theater.Where are the others?"  
  
"There are.OTHERS?" Saruman was in shock.  
  
"Of course!" The odd Uruk-Hai tilted its head and looked at Saruman as if he was supposed to know this.  
  
"Oh my!"  
  
"Eww! Dirt!"  
  
"Betty, where's my ring?" signified the presence of other Uruk-Hai's. The orcs looked at the surrounding ring of the Broadway-versions of Uruk- Hai's.  
  
"WHAT is this deformity??? Give me the map!" Saruman snatched it from the nearest orc-locater.person.thing.whatever. "Idiot!! Dolt!! Stupid- head!! The Fighting Uruk-Hai's are over THERE!! You dug up the FLIRTING Uruk-Hai's! My god."  
  
"C'mon everyone! Let's PRACTICE!" the first Uruk-Hai announced. All the other Uruk-Hai's grimaced at muddying their sparkly shoes but did as they were told, taking dainty steps. They all stood in a neat straight line. The orcs stopped working and turned to look at them.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen! We are theeee-" the Uruk-Hai's each grinned widely and got into their poses, drum rolls coming from nowhere, "- URUKETTES!" Saruman fainted.  
  
"The can-can, everyone!" the leader Uruk-Hai shouted cheerfully. Can- can music suddenly blasted from nowhere (lots of things seem to come from nowhere, eh? ^_^). The orcs plugged their ears and shrieked in dismay.  
  
"DaDa-dadadada-DaDa-dadadada." the Urukettes smiled and kicked their knees and legs up in unison and in time to the beat. It seemed never- ending.  
~Back to Amon Hen~  
  
Everyone didn't know it. But they have come to dread it. The bathroom question. Yes, it's the bathroom question.  
  
"Does anyone know where a bathroom is?" Pippin (how did we know?) asked, jumping up and down like a..jumping bean.  
  
"Oh yeah.I have a toilet in my pocket." Aragorn said sarcastically.  
  
"Don't be silly, Aragorn!" Pippin scoffed. Everyone gasped in surprise that Pippin didn't say the expected 'Oh! Can I use it?'. "Those are the teeny toilets for ants! Not for hobbits! Can't you see I need a bigger one?" Everyone's surprise quickly deflated.  
  
"REALLY Pippin. Look AROUND you!" Legolas sighed.  
  
"I don't see anything but trees and the river." Pippin frowned, looking for a familiar white toilet. "You don't mean I should go in the RIVER, do you??"  
  
"NOOO! LOOK OVER THERE!" Pippin looked in the direction Legolas was pointing in, which was the forest.  
  
"I'm not an Elf with Elfy eyes, so can you point to where the toilet is?" Pippin peered into the dark forest.  
  
"TREES, PIPPIN! TREES!"  
  
"I understand your fascination with trees, but I really really need to go right now."  
  
"MY GOD! YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM ON THE TREES! JUST GO! FERTILIZE THEM!" Legolas screamed in agony. Pippin blinked.  
  
"I didn't know elves went to the bathroom on trees."  
  
"WE DON'T! WE HAVE TOILETS!! BUT OCCASIONALLY, ON A JOURNEY, YES! WE GO TO THE BATHROOM ON TREES! JUST GO BEFORE YOU EXPLODE AND DRENCH THE FIRE!" Gimli's eyes widened and he moved to protect his beloved campfire.  
  
"Okay.okay." Pippin looked nervous as he inched towards the nearest tree and began to unbutton his pants.  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF THE VALAR, PLEASE DO NOT GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!" Legolas yelled. The rest of the Fellowship nodded frantically.  
  
"I don't.like.the forest.the trees.might.eat me." Pippin shuddered. Legolas was losing his temper. Before Legolas could explode into nice Legolas-shaped bitsy pieces, Merry stood up.  
  
"Here Pippin.I'll lead you to a nice tree and I'll turn my back while you.go, and I'll make sure no trees eat you." he said with a sigh.  
  
"Thank you, Merry!! I KNEW I could count on you!" Pippin cried gleefully.  
  
"Don't," Merry raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Count on me,"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Just.don't,"  
  
"Okay." And so, Pippin's bathroom problem was over.  
~ STILL just before the Fellowship reached Amon Hen ~  
  
"Errr.da boss wants you to have this.I guess." an orc waddled forward and handed a note to the Urukettes.  
  
"Ooo! Look, everyone! A new theater to perform at!" the leader Uruk- Hai showed the note to everyone, which said 'Amon Hen. Take Hobbits. Valuable thing.'  
  
"Take hobbits? Is that a new song?"  
  
"Ohhh! Isn't Mr. Saruman so nice? He calls our performance a valuable thing! Awww!!"  
  
"Amon Hen? Where's that?" all the Uruk-Hai's exclaimed.  
  
"One question at a time, everyone!" the leader said, "Take hobbits.hmm.I suppose we'll get the dance lines and the sheet music when we get there.yes, Mr. Saruman IS nice.so very nice of him.and Amon Hen is.I don't know.I think my grandma lived there once.I think I know the way. Follow me, everyone! Single file line!" And off the Urukettes went.  
~ Back at Amon Hen.again ~  
  
"Is that a sound I hear?" Aragorn tilted his head in the direction of which the Urukettes were coming.  
  
"I hear many and not all of them pleasant." Legolas winced as his Elven sense of hearing picked up the sound of Pippin going to the bathroom a little ways off.  
  
"No.no.a different sound." Aragorn said, musing. "Oh! I knew it! It wasn't different! I KNEW it was a chickadee." Legolas just rolled his eyes. Aragorn had an odd interest in birds and could tell apart a few. Just a few.  
  
"A useful kingly trait, THAT is." thought Legolas.  
Meanwhile.  
  
"WE ARE THE URUKETTES! YES, WE ARE! WE LOVE TO DANCE AND SING! WE ARE THE URUKETTES! YES, WE ARE! WE'D LOVE A DIAMOND RING! WE ARE THE URUKETTES! YES, WE- AAACCCCKK!!!" the Urukettes encountered a steep mud pool and fell over each other like dominoes. This mud pool (as you may have guessed..no, you probably haven't.mwahaha.) contained the EVIL PINK VIDEO TAPE!  
  
"My.what is this?" the leader said, after cleaning itself up and picking up the video tape. Another Uruk-Hai opened it.  
  
"Looks like a video tape to me." the leader said.  
  
"Why don't we keep it for a while? The color's really nice too," said another Uruk-Hai.  
  
"Well, why not? Who knows? It could be our dance-moves tape!" the leader exclaimed, tucking it away in a pocket.somewhere. The Urukettes continued on.  
"GAH!" Pippin screamed.  
  
"What NOW? Is he even done going to the bathroom yet?" Legolas scowled. Pippin and Merry ran back screaming their heads off.  
  
"What is it? What is it?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Melwoeo.wlieargkhs..POWKEKIH..WLOIF..alishawlf." they panted, unable to say anything decipherable.  
  
"What? There's a..melon?..it's a liar?.in power?.a wolf?..on a shelf? You're both not making any sense!" Aragorn said, frowning.  
  
"MONSTERS!" Pippin got out of his mouth.  
  
"What? No such thing!" Legolas said.  
  
"SEE! SEE FOR YOURSELVES!" Merry was afraid and trembled as he pointed off in the direction they ran from. Legolas and Aragorn shrugged and was about to head off into that direction when.  
  
"WE ARE THE URUKETTES! YES, WE ARE! WE LOVE TO DANCE AND SING! WE ARE THE URUKETTES! YES, WE ARE! WE'D LOVE A DIAMOND RING!" came crashing through the bushes.  
  
"AHHHH!!" shrieked the Fellowship. Gimli accidentally sat in his beloved campfire in the turmoil. Instinctively, the Urukettes screamed. High-pitched-ly too.  
  
"AHHHH!!!" See?  
  
"My goodness! You all scared us!" the leader gasped for breath, but then straightened its attire and smiled. "Are you the critics by the way? Who is it for this time? The New York Times? I just LOVE the New York Times by the way.did I mention we are the Urukettes? Broadway's our thing.did I tell you that we still perform the Christmas special in February? Do you want to see later?" All this just went FWOOSH! over the Fellowship's heads.  
  
"Critics?.Who told you we were-" Aragorn said.  
  
"I knew it! You ARE the critics! So, how is our attire? A little muddy, I know, but we have spares and we can change into nicer ones for our performance. When IS our performance, by the way?" the leader said all this very fast-ly. The leader eyed the polka dots that Aragorn donned and clucked its tongue. "I hope YOU aren't the fashion critic." Aragorn just raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh! Right! Here's a note on what we are supposed to do.Take Hobbits. Do you have the sheet music prepared for us? And this dance-moves video tape. It'd be REALLY nice of you to pop that in for us." the leader shoved the evil hot pink video tape into Aragorn's hands.  
  
"ARRRRGH!!" Aragorn dropped it and ran. Anywhere. Actually, straight into a tree. And not surprisingly, he was knocked out.  
  
"Well, I see no stage." the leader remarked, completely ignoring the rest of the Fellowship (well, except Pippin) who were turning green at the memory of the evil tape.  
  
"Oh, well.if there's no stage, I suppose we can move on to our next destination: a random green field! C'mon everyone! Ooo! We need stage managers! You two will do!" the leader grabbed Merry and Pippin and before everyone could recover, the Urukettes already flounced off. Unfortunately (yeah, riiight.), Boromir died from too much green-ness on his face. So he was tossed down the waterfall.  
  
The evil pink video tape glowed a dim pink in the light of the setting sun.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Note: The Urukettes are a spin-off of the Rockettes, of who our school orchestra sees EVERY Christmas for absolutely no reason. Here's a link to a picture of them in case you don't know who they are:   
  
I do hope you all know what the can-can is.  
  
******************************************************** 


	13. And the winner is

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!.well, some things. Like my story.  
  
Btw~ Wheee! Over 100! ^________^ I absolutely adore my reviewers!  
  
Reviewer #something: That's it. I'm not reviewing anymore. She's calling me ADORABLE. How degrading is that?  
  
Reviewer #something2: Very. So very. *shudders*  
  
******************************************************** Alas, the Fellowship is breaking up. Somewhat anyway. And so, since the Fellowship of the Ring has ended and The Two Towers is beginning, I shall present to you, the ADF ACADEMY AWARDS!  
  
*the lone clapping of my stuffed frog*  
  
*ahem* Proceeding. Lights, people, LIGHTS!  
  
*lights dim*  
  
*curtains open*  
  
*nervous Presenter walks across stage to the microphone*  
  
*she taps the microphone*  
  
SCEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Presenter: owowowow!!! I mean, welcome to the, uh, *looks at note cards* ADF Academy Awards. I am the presenter for this *looks at note cards* evening. I am only presenter because I have been threatened my a mysterious disembodied voice. *cough* Unlike the real Academies, however, we only have *looks at note cards* a cheap plastic gold Oscar. The half hour thank you speeches are cut off too.  
  
*cue for enthusiastic applause*  
  
Presenter: The nominees are.*looks at note cards*  
  
*ominous music plays*  
  
*screen is lowered behind the Presenter with pictures on them* Presenter: .Aragorn, for ADF.  
  
*lone applause of my stuffed frog*  
  
Presenter: .Legolas, for ADF as well.  
  
*wild applause from rabid fangirls that somehow got into the theater*  
  
Presenter: .Sam, for ADF again.  
  
*lone applause of my stuffed frog; frog: "Am I getting paid?" Mystical disembodied voice: "No!"*  
  
Presenter: .Frodo, for ADF again.  
  
*lone applause of my stuffed frog and a few Frodo fangirls that also somehow got into the theater*  
  
Presenter: .Merry, for ADF AGAIN.  
  
*lone applause of my stuffed frog (LAOMSF)*  
  
Presenter: .Pippin, for the same thing.  
  
*LAOMSF*  
  
Presenter: *sigh*.Gandalf, for still the same thing.  
  
*no applause.frog is now on strike*  
  
Presenter: *getting very impatient*.and Boromir and Gimli and Galadriel and the evil pink tape.? Okaaaay.and.and.*looks at note cards* that's it. Thank god. *is whapped on the head by a mysterious stick from a mysterious disembodied voice*  
  
Presenter: Envelope, please!  
  
*silence*  
  
Presenter: ENVELOPE, PLEASE!  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: Okay.okay.you don't need to be so mean about it.*pout*  
  
Presenter: THANK YOU. *mutters* I need to get out of here.*ends muttering*  
  
Nominees except Legolas: *are very excited and nervous*  
  
Legolas: *is assured he'll win and proudly holds his long thank you list*  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: He forgets I cut off the thank you speech.*ominous frown*.how dare he disobey my rule.*is about to snatch the thank you list*.*looks frighteningly at rabid fangirls*.I'll wait till later.  
  
Presenter: And the winner is.is.I can't read this.*squints at paper in envelope* We are the Urukettes, yes we are, we love to dance and sing? What is this??  
  
*feminine cackles are heard backstage*  
  
Presenter: THE REAL ENVELOPE! JUST GET ME THE FREAKING ENVELOPE!!  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: Ohh.look who's touchy today.PMS, dear? *drops envelope on Presenter's head*  
  
Presenter: *GLARE* And the winner is.  
  
Legolas: *is too excited* THANK YOU! THANK YOU! *tears in his eyes*  
  
Fangirls: *thinking he really won* YAYYYY!! *waves Legolas flags, posters, banners, buttons, shirts.*  
  
Presenter: SHUT UP! The winner is.  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP!!  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: Sorry! Got a call coming in.Hello? MARGIE! I haven't heard from you in forever!! So how's Cloud Nine?.  
  
Presenter: *steam coming out of her ears*  
  
RING! RING! RING! SWISH!  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: Oh jeez.sorry, Margie.I'll call you back.no no no. It's only the fire alarm.what?! You moved to Cloud Eight?? What's wrong with- *notices a very pissed and sopping wet Presenter* Gotta go. Call you back!  
  
Presenter: I GIVE UP! I QUIT! *stomps out*  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: I KNEW I shouldn't have picked her, but hey, she was walking right beneath my cloud.  
  
Nominees: *scrambling for the envelope and paper is flying everywhere. Soon, nobody could read the winner*  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: Oh, forgot. The winner is.*a plastic Oscar is floating above the stage*.Pippin Took!  
  
Pippin: YAY! THANK YOU THANK YOU!! *speeds off with Oscar*  
  
Mysterious disembodied voice: You would think he would've stayed for the refreshments.  
  
Legolas: WHAT?! I FLOATED BUCK NAKED! I RISKED MY OWN LIFE! I COULD'VE FALLEN DOWN THE WATERFALL AND DIED!  
  
MDV: Well, THERE'S your reward.*sees him getting carried off by miffed - but still rabid - fangirls*  
  
Aragorn: What about ME?? I ENDURED THE POLKA-DOTS! I ENDURED THE VIDEO! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS! I WILL SEND MY OWN RABID FANGIRLS UPON YOU!  
  
MDV: *blink* What fangirls?  
  
Aragorn: *thinks*.*says sadly* I don't know.  
  
MDV: EXACTLY! Ah, well. *plugs mystical disembodied ears* I will listen to no more complaints for today. Lalalala..oh yes, I have to call Margie back.  
In next day's newspaper.  
  
Headline.  
  
PIPPIN TOOK WINS BEST ACTOR AFD ACADEMY AWARD! REST OF FELLOWSHIP PISSED! DO WE CARE? NO, NOT REALLY. MWAHAHAHA.  
  
******************************************************** 


	14. Neon signs and Happy Land

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing! But I still have my faithful jar of dill pickles. *pats jar despite the fact that there are no more pickles in there because a certain mysterious disembodied voice ate them all*  
  
Btw~ Wow! I'm amazed at the reviews. ^_^ They make me so happy. Thank you!!! And also, thank you for reviewing more than once, k! *waves to k* I'm really honored that you come here just to read my story. *sniff*  
  
Hinthint: The person who reviews the most, in total, is the next Presenter! ^_^ That should be interesting.  
  
Moving on.  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Actually, you know what? This chapter really isn't much of a spoiler. Never mind.  
  
******************************************************** [Random things going on after the Fellowship broke up.]  
  
After their beautiful bouts of vomiting in the river (eww).  
  
*cough*  
  
*hack*  
  
*cough*  
  
*hackhack*  
  
"Oh god, I feel so sick." Legolas moaned, clutching his stomach and digging through his pack for some Advil.  
  
"I thought elves didn't get sick," Aragorn said, surprised (although he was still gasping for pain).  
  
"We don't!" Legolas started panicking, as his Advil didn't seem to want to appear.  
  
"Boy, that must be a REALLY evil tape." Aragorn mused as Gimli nodded.  
  
"Hey.where's that Pippin.I bet you he stole my Advil." Legolas tried standing, but had to lean against a tree like his life depended on it.  
  
"Where's Merry?" Aragorn looked around wildly.  
  
"Where's Sam?"  
  
"Where's Frodo?"  
  
"You don't think they ABANDONED us, did you?"  
  
"Of-of course not! They wouldn't.not after all we've been through!"  
  
"That's not saying much."  
  
"You're right." Aragorn sighed. What were they going to do all by themselves in the wilderness.the deep, dark, murky, frightening, wolves- howling-hungrily-at-night wilderness.the deep, dark, murky, frightening, wolves-howling-at-night, predators-hunting-for-tender-flesh-to-chew-upon wilderness.the deep, dark-  
  
"I GET THE POINT!!!" Aragorn yelled into the clouds, covering his ears.shaking like a blending machine (must be fun to watch him do that.heehee!).  
  
"Sorry! Jeez.I remember MY first time in the wilderness and that's EXACTLY what it was. The wilderness was deep, dark, murky, frightening." the mysterious disembodied voice reminisced.  
  
"I'm scared." Legolas was hidden in the branches of the trees he was leaning on, making the leaves shake.  
"Reminisced? Remanisked? What's that?" Aragorn said. A huge bright yellow neon screen popped down from the clouds in front of Aragorn, broadcasting: REMINISCED - To recollect and tell of past experiences or events.  
  
"Ooo.hey! Legolas! Lookee! Isn't that cool?" Aragorn pointed excitedly to the neon sign. However, Legolas was fending off the most evil creature in the world: the fangirl. It all started 5 minutes ago when.  
  
"Oh, LEGOLAS! SWEETHEART!! WHERE ARE YOU?? COME HERE, MY WEGOWAS."  
  
"Eeep!" Legolas froze and stayed hidden in his tree. I mean, after hearing that, who wouldn't?  
  
"THERE YOU ARE, MY WEGGY!!" the dreaded fangirl found him, using some unseen supernatural sniffing skills. Legolas quickly cut off a branch and poked it at the fangirl.  
  
"Go away! Go away!" Legolas kept right on poking. However, the fangirl wasn't daunted at the least. In fact, she sort of expected it. She took out a switchblade and cut the stick in half, making the stick too short to be able to poke her.  
  
"AGH!" Legolas hugged the nearest thick branch and squeezed his eyes shut as the fangirl drew ever closer.  
  
"Are you afraid of me, dearest Weggy? I won't hurt you! Come here, sweetie."  
  
"Ahhh! Why won't anyone leave me alone! I never hurt anyone! I don't deserve this!" Legolas sniffed and burst into tears. (Aww.)  
  
"LEGOLAS! I SAID TO COME LOOK AT THE PRETTY SIGN! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I YELL? HAVE YOU GONE DEAF?" Aragorn's voice pierced the air. And for the first time, the elf was glad to hear it.  
  
"ARAGORN! YOU HAVE TO COME SAVE ME!" Legolas yelled, his eyes big and blue, filled with a frightened disposition and the fangirl resorted to climbing up the tree. Aragorn meandered along and finally found Legolas's tree.  
  
"Is that all?" he frowned, for he had expected at least 30 orcs.  
  
"SHE'S A DANGER TO ALL HUMANITY!!! GET RID OF HER! MAKE HER GO AWAAAAY!" Legolas broke into a fresh wave of tears.  
  
"Alrite.jeez, Legolas.I would've thought you could handle something like this.but, whatever, you owe me a favor."  
  
"ANYTHING!" Legolas wept. Aragorn sauntered over and tugged on the fangirl's shoe. She fell to the floor and Aragorn poked her. She stood up quickly and saw Aragorn.  
  
"Do you want to know the specific parts and uses of a male's genital parts? Because if you do, I can explain it all." Aragorn started. Screaming bloody murder, the fangirl ran away and disappeared. "Well, that was a piece of cake. Do you need help getting down a tree, Legolas?"  
  
"No! I can do that by myself, thank you very much!" Legolas was infuriated at how Aragorn made the dreaded creature go away so easily. When they got back to where they were by the river.  
  
"IT'S MINE!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"What's going on?" Legolas looked at Gimli, who was tugging at the neon sign while an invisible force was trying to pull it in the opposite direction. Gimli evidently thought neon was gold.  
  
~Meanwhile.~  
  
"Mwahaha! I'll get away from those crazy people and live happily by myself!" Frodo said gleefully as he darted behind trees towards the boats. As he hopped into one and felt very happy for himself, there came a.  
  
"FRODO! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Sam hopped into the boat, catapulting Frodo (who was on the other end) back to shore.  
  
"AHHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Frodo buried himself in a pile of leaves.  
  
"I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE UNTIL YOU THROW THAT RING INTO MOUNT DOOM!" Sam was pretty determined. The pile of leaves shook violently.  
  
"Will you leave me alone if I throw that crummy ring into a volcano?" came Frodo's voice, muffled by the pile of leaves.  
  
"Yes, Frodo, I will." Sam sighed and Frodo dashed out and hid himself under his own cloak at one end of the boat. Sam took up the paddle and started rowing them to.wherever they were supposed to row. Two blue eyes peeped out from underneath the cloak.  
  
"Can't you go ANY faster?"  
  
~And still meanwhile.~  
  
"Where are we going?" Pippin said, as he was being thrown over the shoulder of an Uruk-Hai because his legs were too short.  
  
"How should I know??" Merry scowled.  
  
"Are we going to Happy Land?"  
  
"What??"  
  
"Happy Land!"  
  
"What on Middle-Earth are you talking about, Pip?"  
  
"Happy Land is the land of happy people."  
  
"And where is this?"  
  
".I don't really know."  
  
"Then why would you think we're going to Happy Land at a time like this?" "I just know! I know we're going there! It's a beautiful place, Merry! It's got rows and rows of apple trees." Pippin rambled on.  
  
"You go think that in your crazy nutshell of a brain, Pip." Merry was getting dizzy from all the blood rushing to his head.  
  
".and waterfalls and MUSHROOMS and sparkling rivers."  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
".and ale and wine and beer and green grass and rolling hills."  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
".and hobbit children and fireworks and flowers and honey bees."  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
".and crackers and cake and candy and fireflies and dragonflies."  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
".and frogs to catch and bunnies and field mice."  
  
"SHUT UP, PIPPIN!" cried Merry, plugging his ears.  
  
"Okay.okay.just five more minutes!" Pippin replied.  
  
Half an hour later.  
  
".and mashed potatoes and green beans and poached eggs."  
~Meanwhile.~  
  
"MINE!!"  
  
"MINE!!"  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP!  
  
"Oh crap." the mysterious disembodied voice tried to keep hold of the neon sign and pick up the phone at the same time.but failed, "Hello? Margie! Sorry, hun, bad timing.what? Oh.you what? OHH! How awesome, dear.by the way.can you order another neon sign for me? Yellow? Hell no! I want it pink."  
  
"Heeheehee! Mwahahaha.all mine! ALL MINE!.." the gleeful cacklings of Gimli echoed in the forest. Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other and understood.  
  
"Extra-strength Tylenol?"  
  
"You got it."  
  
******************************************************** 


	15. Gandalf the Kite?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Must I do this?.No, I didn't think so.mwahahaha! But I'm going to do it anyway. I own.many things.but not LOTR, but hey, you never know. Maybe I'll marry a relative of J.R.R. Tolkien's. And then I'll inherit the possession and copyright of LOTR. And THEN I'll show you all and post a big disclaimer that I DO own LOTR. Well, that'll be the day.  
  
Btw~ 123 reviews.123 reviews.I am in shock. ^_^ 123 reviews.wow.  
  
Btw some more~ Alrite! Alrite! According to a few of the reviewers, Aragorn fangirls actually DO exist. So I acknowledge them. *waves*  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
******************************************************** [Legolas and Aragorn and somewhat Gimli make the final decision.]  
  
"Nooo.this can't be.we're out of Tylenol." Legolas held an empty Tylenol can like it was a wine bottle.  
  
"Don't you have Advil?" Aragorn said.  
  
"I DID." Legolas said, rummaging through his pack to hopefully find some more pills.any kind would do.  
  
"We NEED Advil!" Aragorn persisted.  
  
"Don't tell me you're going to suggest that we go after Pippin." Legolas frowned.  
  
"Well, I am. Okay. I'm suggesting that we are going after Pippin," Aragorn suggested.  
  
"How far would we have to run?.all this walking is straining my legs."  
  
"Oh, just a couple miles.maybe more.maybe lots more."  
  
"MILES? Noooooo.."  
  
"C'mon everyone! We're going RUNNING! We're off to see the Advil.the wonderful Advil of.Advil!" Aragorn sang, skipping off in the direction where Pippin went.  
  
"Nooo." Legolas half-heartedly jogged after him.  
  
"Mweeheehee.GOLD.GOOOLDD- hey. Where are you all going? To find gold, did you say? I'M COMING TOO!" Gimli ran and tried to catch up with Legolas and Aragorn, but failing because his legs are too short. Nevertheless, he still ran.  
  
And so.they run.  
  
And run.  
  
And run some more.  
  
Still running.  
  
Running nonstop.  
  
Don't they ever get tired?.  
  
Running like the wind.must be the Tylenol.  
  
"Okee! It's nighttime! We'll rest." Aragorn curled up into a sleeping bag.  
  
"But I'm not tired." Legolas whined.  
  
"Are.you.crazy..?" Gimli panted as he collapsed on the ground in front of Legolas.  
  
"Gimli? Where did you come from?" Legolas was confused.  
  
"I RAN AFTER YOU GUYS! WHAT DO YOU THINK?"  
  
"Ohh.thought you were having an affair with the mysterious disembodied voice. That's all, really," Legolas apparently forgotten that dwarves love to wield their axes whenever they can.  
  
"WHAT? ME? HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THAT UGLY THING?" the mysterious disembodied voice whapped Legolas on the head with a big, heavy branch.multiple times.  
  
"I was joking! JOKING!"  
  
"ME? UGLY THING? WANT TO MEET THE SHARP END OF THIS AXE?? HUH? HUH? DO YOU??"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Aragorn shrieked. CRACKLE!  
  
"What was that?!" Legolas whipped his head around and faced the forest they were resting by.  
  
"Crackle! Snap! Pop! Rice Krispies, of course," Gimli stated. Aragorn and Legolas rolled their eyes. A white light came slowly towards them.  
  
"Aragorn, we aren't DEAD, are we?" Legolas shaded his eyes.  
  
"Nooo.what gives you that idea?" Aragorn replied.  
  
"Well.there's..white light."  
  
"Could be a flashlight for all you know,"  
  
"Oh. You're right.but hey, being dead was a option too,"  
  
"Okaaay.you read too much Elven lore. It's like Shakespeare. Looks pretty, but can't understand a word of it," Aragorn said.  
  
"Heeeyyy.my ancestors spent millenniums writing those!"  
  
"And look at you now,"  
  
"Why you-!"  
  
"CHILDREN! CHILDREN! WHAT CHILDISH BEHAVIOUR! WHY- Oh! Lookee what I found: all of you!" Gandalf stepped from the shadows with a huge flashlight.  
  
"I told you," Aragorn said triumphantly, blowing a raspberry in Legolas's direction.  
  
"Immature mortal," Legolas sniffed.  
  
"Prissy pointy-eared thing!"  
  
"Dirty scum!"  
  
"Obsessed freak!"  
  
"QUIET! Doesn't anyone NOTICE that I'm not dead? I'm BACK!" Gandalf shouted.  
  
"Oh, it's you," Aragorn blinked.  
  
"You're back? Haven't noticed you were gone.where'd you go?" Legolas scratched his head.wait, that would never happen.no dandruff for Legolas. Legolas.said.  
  
"Oh.hello," Gimli replied.  
  
"That's all I get? No teary 'GANDALF! I MISSED YOU SO! I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!'? No joyous 'OH, RIGHTEOUS LEADER! YOU'RE BACK!'? No enthusiastic 'WE WERE LOST WITHOUT YOU! NOW YOU'RE BACK AND WE LOVE YOU!'?" Gandalf said, hands on his hips. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli thought about this for a minute.  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"I don't recall ever thinking such a thing."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Oh, foolish children.always lying." Gandalf said.  
  
"I'm not a foolish child! I'm.I'm.I'm.well, I'm around 3000 years old!" Legolas retorted.  
  
"You don't even remember your own age?" Aragorn said, surprised.  
  
"When's your birthday?" Gimli asked.  
  
"How should I remember my birthday? All I know is that one day every year, I get cake, ice cream, and lots of presents. I don't do dates," Legolas shrugged. Everyone else blinked and hanged their heads, praying to the Valar for Legolas. For in that time, it was a shame if you didn't remember your own birthday, much less your age.  
  
"Hello? Back to Gandalf!" Gandalf waves his staff around, accidentally splattering some mud on his brand-new white robe.  
  
"Oh! You finally changed clothes. About time," Legolas said approvingly.  
  
"Great! This robe was supposed to make a great impression on you! I need to take it to the dry-cleaners again."  
  
"Gandalf?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh! I see your still sporting those fanciful polka dots! So, how are they? Have they behaved?" Gandalf chuckled.  
  
"What? Behaved? What are you talking about?" Aragorn looked down at his outfit and found that the dots were playing a pretty bouncy game of soccer with one of Aragorn's shirt buttons, "AHHH! THEY MOVE ON MY SHIRT!"  
  
"You never noticed that, Aragorn? I noticed it a long time ago, I just didn't want to tell you, because I thought you already knew," Legolas tried to sound smart. But failed. Like always.  
  
"Oh, shush! You never noticed. The only thing you notice is your looks," Aragorn scoffed.  
  
"Why you-!"  
  
"HUSH, CHILDREN!" Gandalf raised his staff, "Don't make me use Mr. Staff!" Everyone immediately quieted down after that. Something fell to the ground. Legolas swiftly picked it up.  
  
"Gandalf?.Why does this badge say Gandalf the Kite?"  
  
"Give that back! It does NOT say Gandalf the Kite! Or, at least, it's not supposed to anyway.forgot I put it in my sleeve." Gandalf said indignantly.  
  
"Why DOES it say Gandalf the Kite?" Legolas inquired. Gandalf looked miffed.  
"Well.the wizards wanted to give me a badge for tripping Saruman and making him fall down 900 flights of stairs but they wanted to make fun of me at the same time. Either that or they misspelled White. Which could be a high possibility!" Gandalf said.  
  
"Sure, Gandalf." Legolas said disbelievingly.  
  
"Why were you gone anyway?" Gimli spoke up.  
  
"Oh.I had tea with the Balrog. You know.never miss an appointment with a Balrog. Nasty tempers they have. Anyway, I was late. He got mad. We had a duel. I won of course," Gandalf swelled up, looking excessively proud. Not unlike Legolas sometimes, actually.  
  
"Hey! Who put that in there??" Legolas shouted, frowning.  
  
"Sorry! Thought it was funny." the mysterious disembodied voice replied from above.  
  
"Well, it's.not!" Legolas struggled to reply with a witty comeback. Failed. As always.  
  
"Duel, Gandalf?." Aragorn raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Just because I look like an old geezer, doesn't mean I am one!"  
  
"Oh yes it does," Legolas chipped in.  
  
"Quiet, you!" Gandalf hissed.  
  
"Bet you he showed his Viagra box to the Balrog and scared him off." Legolas whispered to Aragorn. Aragorn stifled a laugh and nodded.  
  
"I heard that!" a mini-thundercloud appeared above Gandalf's head. And rain poured down from it, "GAH! IT'S COLD! HEY..IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!"  
  
"Sorry! Couldn't resist." everyone could just see the mysterious disembodied voice grinning like the Cheshire Cat. The mini-thundercloud disappeared.  
  
"Grr.let's get off that subject. Where were YOU guys headed?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Pippin and Merry were abducted by the Urukettes." Legolas shuddered.  
  
"So we're going after them-" Aragorn started.  
  
"How brave of you guys!" Gandalf said appreciatively.  
  
"-to get our Advil back from Pippin," Aragorn finished.  
  
"Never mind." Gandalf sighed, "Anyhow, I was looking for you guys. We're going to the Golden Hall!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"The Golden Hall! Where we're going to meet." Gandalf said dramatically, waited for people's breaths to be held. Gimli made a loud hacking cough-like noise. Gandalf narrowed his eyes, and then continued, ".the King of the Hallmark!!!"  
  
********************************************************  
  
*gasp* King of the Hallmark! (One of my more original ideas, no stealy. Copyright, 2002. There we go.) This should prove to be interesting.  
  
I know, I know, I skipped the part where Legolas and Aragorn and Gimli meet the Rohan people, but I didn't think it was that important. Oh well! Pippin and Merry coming up in the next chapter as well.  
  
This was one of my crap-this-chapter-is-lame chapters, but! *raises index finger* it will be better next chapter.  
  
Review, please? ^______^ 


	16. King of the Hallmark!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. Own nothing. Well.I might have 50 cents.  
  
Btw~ So many reviews.I love you all!!! *sniff*  
  
Reviewer #something: I thought we weren't going to review again. Reviewer #something2: We weren't. Reviewer #something: So why are we here? Reviewer #something2: Because the author is in dire need of Kleenex.  
  
Btw some more~ I know the evil pink video tape didn't show up last chapter, but hey! Evil things bide their time..heeheehee..mwahahahaaaaa..  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
******************************************************** [They're on their way to see THE KING OF THE HALLMARK!]  
  
"The who?" Legolas asked.  
  
"The King of the Hallmark!" Gandalf proclaimed.  
  
".And who is he?" Legolas asked again.  
  
"Otherwise known as the King of Rohan, but he's better known as the King of the Hallmark,"  
  
"Why are we going to visit him? I still haven't got my Advil back yet, you know!" Legolas put his hands on his hips.  
  
"I know! I know! But see, the Dark Lord, Marilyn Manson.err, I mean, Sauron, has decided to take over the world. So we have to fight back, of course. And we need all the help we can get," Gandalf shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Help from the King of the Hallmark?" Aragorn raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Like I said, we need all the help we can get," Gandalf sighed.  
  
"I think I've heard of him.ah yes! King of the Horsy People, no?" Gimli said.  
  
"Gimli, it's more polite to refer to him as King of the Hallmark or King of Rohan. King of the Horsy People doesn't really have a RING to it, you know," Gandalf waved his hand carelessly.  
  
"Wait, so he rules over.Horsy People. What kind of.people are these?" Legolas inquired.  
  
"Oh, Legolas, you silly elf! They're not half horses, half people! They're people who breed horses!" Gandalf said exasperatingly.  
  
"WHAT?! PEOPLE BREED HORSES!?"  
  
"YOU STUPID ELF! THEY DON'T GIVE BIRTH TO HORSES! THEY ARE MASTERS OF HORSES!" Gandalf exploded.  
  
"Oh.I knew that." Legolas's face turned a pretty tomato-ey red. Everyone else rolled their eyes.  
  
"Well, Gandalf, what about Merry and Pippin?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Oh, them. I saw to it that they're already safe," Gandalf said, blowing some dust particles off his nails. Gimli narrowed his eyes.  
  
"So we came ALL the way here, RUNNING, for nothing??"  
  
"Oh no, my dear Gimli, not for nothing. You see, I was going to give up on searching for you all when suddenly I found you all! So.yeah." Gandalf said, trailing off.  
  
"In other words, we came all the way here, running, for nothing." Gimli said blandly.  
  
"Yep," Gandalf sighed.  
  
"How are we getting there? I don't think Rohan's anywhere close by." Aragorn took out his tattered map and peered at it.  
  
"Oh my god, Aragorn's right for once.he CAN read a map." Legolas snitched the map away from Aragorn and shouted in surprise.  
  
"See?" Aragorn puffed his chest out proudly.  
  
"Drop it, Aragorn. Being able to read a map doesn't take much skill," Gandalf said.  
  
"Oh." Aragorn's shoulders slumped.  
  
"Oh yes, we have horses!" Gandalf exclaimed.  
  
"We do?" Legolas looked around, "No, we don't."  
  
"You're right.where'd they go?." Gandalf lifted up some rocks nearby.  
  
"You don't think he meant IMAGINARY horses, do you?" Aragorn whispered to Legolas.  
  
"I DO think he meant imaginary horses.jeezus, you really think you can find a horse up in a tree?" Legolas whispered back as he observed Gandalf poking his staff in a couple trees.  
  
"Oh! Here they are.they're a bit shy." Gandalf poked his stick repeatedly in one tree and three horses fell down to the ground on their hooves.  
  
Everyone else: O_O;;  
  
"Well, I guess you can." Aragorn replied to Legolas.  
  
"A bit shy is an understatement." Gimli said as the horses shrieked and whinnied and hid behind the trees.  
  
"C'mon Telefax.c'mon! You can do it.Air-rod? WHAT are you doing?.Bob?.Where are you?.oh, there you are.C'MON." Gandalf grabbed three reins and pulled the horses into the clearing.  
  
"Those are our horses?" Aragorn said, surprised. The horses were pretty good horses, by the way.  
  
"Yep!" Gandalf said proudly, "This is Telefax. My horse," Gandalf petted the large white horse.  
  
"Telefax? Isn't it that new machine that combines a telephone and a fax machine?" Legolas asked.  
  
"SHH! He doesn't know that." Gandalf petted Telefax.  
  
"Ooo! Ooo! Which one's mine?" Aragorn asked eagerly.  
  
"Bob," Gandalf said simply.  
  
"Bob? Isn't there a better name? You'd want a better name, don't you, Bob?" Aragorn went over to the brown horse and crooned to it.  
  
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say Aragorn loves that horse more than he loves Arwen," Legolas said. Gimli nodded.  
  
"Actually, he name isn't ACTUALLY Bob. It's actually Something-that- started-with-an-H-but-I-can't-remember-it-so-I'll-name-him-Bob. STSWAHBICRISINHB for short," Gandalf stated.  
  
"Umm.Bob is fine," Aragorn blinked.  
  
"And so, Air-rod is yours, Legolas," Gandalf handed Air-rod's reins to Legolas.  
  
"Why is his name Air-rod?" Legolas asked as he petted Air-rod's head nervously. Air-rod looked pretty mean.  
  
"I don't know really." Gandalf frowned.  
  
"Sounds like a sport brand-name to me," Gimli spoke up.  
  
"Well, anyway, he's Air-rod and he doesn't respond to anything else, so you better not forget his name. The minute you call him something like Air-rop, he'll kick you," Gandalf said. THUMP! Air-rod just kicked Gandalf, "See.what.I.mean?." Gandalf got up slowly, rubbing his behind. Legolas nodded.  
  
"You want a sugar cube, don't you Bobby? Yes, yes you do!" Aragorn was still crooning to Bob. Bob doesn't look that happy.  
  
"Err.Aragorn?" Legolas said.  
  
"What?" Aragorn snapped his head around.  
  
"Don't do that,"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Croon.to your horse."  
  
"I'm not crooning! I'm merely treating him like a human being."  
  
"Your treating him like a baby,"  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too, you filthy human!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"Are not, you pansy elf!" Aragorn retorted.  
  
"I am not PANSY!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too, you naïve elf!"  
  
"Am not, you greasy-haired human!"  
  
"SHUT UP ALREADY! WE'RE LOSING TIME!!!! Let's just go." Gandalf sighed as he mounted Telefax.  
  
"Gandalf?" Gimli tugged on the hem of Gandalf's robe, "What do I ride?"  
  
"Oh.ride on Legolas's horse."  
  
"But HE'S riding it."  
  
"Ride behind him."  
  
"Oh.okay.I don't think he'll like it so much though."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, Air-rod's really stronger than he looks."  
  
"I meant Legolas." Gimli said as he went looking for a rock to sharpen his axe with.  
  
"Oh." Gandalf said, "Say.lookee what I found.a pink video tape."  
  
~What happened to Merry and Pippin~  
  
"Oof! You little people are SO heavy.your giving me a shoulder cramp! That's not good, you know.I could get FIRED from Broadway." the Uruk-Hai holding Pippin dropped him on the floor. Merry dropped to the ground as well.  
  
"Oww.oww.blood in head." Merry tried to focus his eyes.  
  
"What?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Never mind, Pip." Merry shook his head, "I think I'm okay now.where are we?"  
  
"In a forest," offered Pippin.  
  
"I know THAT. I mean specifically.and no, I DON'T think we're in Happy Land," Merry said sharply.  
  
"I know that. I think we're almost there." Pippin said. Merry let out a huge sigh.  
  
"GAHHH! CENTIPEDE!! CENTIPEEEDDEEE!" an Uruk-Hai shrieked sending the rest of the Uruk-Hai into complete chaos as they tried to push past each other, trying to run out of the forest. In 5 minutes, everything was quiet.  
  
"I think they forgot us.should I run after them?" Pippin faced Merry.  
  
"Doofus! We're free now!"  
  
"We are?"  
  
"Errgg.you make me really mad, sometimes, Pip." Merry held in his temper.  
  
"Oh.how?"  
  
"Never mind." Merry's head was starting to hurt again. He leaned against a tree.  
  
"WHO IS LEANING AGAINST ME? Oh, Susy, is it you? I haven't seen you ever since our first date.wait a minute, your not Susy. WHO ARE YOU??" the tree Merry was leaning against opened its eyes and looked down at Merry.  
  
"AHH!!!" Merry and Pippin hid in a nearby bush.  
  
"Hey, calm down. I just wanna know who was leaning against me." Merry raised a timid hand, "Well, that doesn't help. What are your names?"  
  
"M..M...Merry.and." Merry elbowed Pippin.  
  
".Oh! Ow! Merry, that hurt.And Pippin!" Pippin rubbed his side.  
  
"So your names are Merry and OhowmerrythathurtandPippin? I like the second name better. Appropriate length. Merry's too short," the tree said.  
  
"Hey, how come you can talk?" Pippin spoke up.  
  
"Do you think I'm a TREE? I'm an Ent! All ents can talk!" the 'tree' said.  
  
"So an Ent is a talking tree?" Pippin asked.  
  
"NO! We just look like trees," the Ent said, "You may call me TreeMoustache."  
  
"Oh.okay!" Pippin said.  
  
"Come! You two must be hungry," TreeMoustache said, picking up the two of them and striding along towards his tree grove.  
  
"Do you have any mushrooms?" Pippin tapped TreeMoustache's head.  
  
"What? What are mushrooms? No, we don't have them.whatever they are."  
  
"Mushrooms are the BEST! Mushrooms are kinda umbrella-shaped. They're a fungus, do you know? Fungus is a section of the animal kingdom, also called." Pippin rambled.  
  
"Great.I shoulda warned you, TreeMoustache. He can never stop talking." Merry shook his head.  
  
"Here, watch me." TreeMoustache said, "Oy! STOP TALKING OR I'LL EAT YOU!" Pippin immediately shut his mouth, "See? Easy to do."  
  
"Oh, wow.I think you're my new hero." Merry watched the silent Pippin in awe. TreeMoustache grinned.  
~On their way to the King of the Hallmark~  
  
DaRum! DaRum! DaRum! The horses were galloping along nicely.  
  
"I think I'm getting seasick." Gimli clutched Legolas's waist even tighter.  
  
"GIMLI! I CAN'T BREATHE!" Legolas gasped.  
  
"Oh.sorry." Gimli reluctantly let his grip get looser.  
  
"Heehee! I have my own horse." Aragorn said, sticking his tongue out at Legolas.  
  
"Shut up, you grimy plague," Legolas hissed.  
  
"YOU shut up, you poncy git!"  
  
"YOU shut up, you unclean mortal!"  
  
"Girly elf! Girly elf! Girly elf!" Aragorn taunted.  
  
"OH, I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THAT!" Legolas reached for his bow and arrows.  
  
"Yeah, right!"  
  
"WANNA STAY AND FIND OUT?" And so, they bickered for the rest of the journey while Gandalf didn't hear a thing as he wisely brought orange earplugs.  
~At the Golden Hall, where the King of the Hallmark is~  
  
"INTRUDERS!" a guard yelled up seeing Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli ride up to the Golden Hall, "HALT!!"  
  
"Hey, we're not harming anyone and we certainly are NOT intruders. See? The king's own horse," Gandalf hopped off Telefax and brought him forward.  
  
"I thought it was Gandalf's." Legolas frowned.  
  
"*gasp* DOES THIS MEAN BOB ISN'T MINE?" Aragorn hugged Bob protectively. Bob started whinny-coughing violently as Aragorn hugged him very tightly. The guard pushed off Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli and led the horses away. The guards motioned for them to take off their weapons.  
  
"WHAT?! WE HAVE TO TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES?" Legolas screeched.  
  
"NO! Our weapons, you dumbass!" Aragorn hissed as he reluctantly handed over his butter knife.  
  
"Then what are you handing over Anduril for?" Legolas snickered.  
  
"IT'S A WEAPON!" Aragorn yelled. Finally, half an hour later, after everything quieted down, all the weapons were handed over. Save Mr. Staff. The guards thought it was just a stick..but they were wrong.heehee.  
  
"Hail King of the Hallmark!" Gandalf motioned for the others to say the same thing.  
  
"Hail King of the Hallmark!" the others said.  
  
"What? Hail?" the king was seated at the opposite end of the hall on a huge throne.  
  
"No, we are honoring your.majesty." Gandalf said.  
  
"Oh.well, then.would you all like some holiday cards?" the king said.  
  
"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!" a pale man seated by the king said, "He's the one who didn't pay the tax for those birthday cards he bought from you!" The king squinted.  
  
"AHH! IT'S GANDALF! IT'S YOU!" the king scowled at Gandalf.  
  
"Umm.yeah.hello." Gandalf waved.  
  
"Wait, shut up Gandalf. Did you say you have holiday cards?" Aragorn said. The king brightened a bit and nodded, "I need an anniversary card.and quick!"  
  
"Okay! $3000," the king announced.  
  
"WHAT?! FOR ONE CARD?" Aragorn screamed.  
  
"That isn't much.or so Grima says." the king shrugged.  
  
"You crazy lunatic."Aragorn lunged at Grima but Legolas held him by his collar. The king started weeping.  
  
"I'm losing business! Hallmark isn't making ANY money and no one buys my cards."  
"Maybe if you lowered the prices and got rid of the tax, more people would buy it." Gandalf suggested.like an adult suggesting that if his child stays away from the fire, he wouldn't get burned.  
  
"You really think so?" the king sniffled.  
  
"Yep," Gandalf smiled.  
  
"Oh, thank you!!" the king grinned and walked over to Gandalf, "How can I ever repay you?" Gandalf backed away from the hug the king was going to give him. Aragorn and Legolas snickered.  
  
"Umm.you could help us fight the Dark Lord." Gandalf said.  
  
"ALRITE!" the king said, marching right out the door and grabbing his sword. The guards at the door looked shocked.  
  
"Umm.King of the Hallmark?.Theoden?.You're gonna-" Gandalf started. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!  
  
"OW! Bloody stairs."  
  
******************************************************** 


	17. Note for all those who are waiting for m...

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I WILL own LOTR….someday….  
  
Btw~ Oh wow! *sniff* So many reviews…*sniff* I love you all! *sniff*  
  
Reviewer #something: Lemme guess. We're here again to give her more Kleenex.  
  
Reviewer #something2: Err…yeah.  
  
Reviewer #something: Are we getting paid for this?  
  
Reviewer #something2: *blinks*  
  
Btw some more~ I know the evil pink video tape didn't show up last chapter, but hey! Evil things bide their time….heeheehee….mwahahahaaaaa….  
  
Btw some even more~ Frodo and Sam haven't been appearing much lately, but the next, NEXT chapter will be COMPLETELY devoted to them. Ok, Frodo and Sam fans?  
  
********************************************************  
  
I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who want this story updated quickly. Finals are coming up soon and I have to really study for those. (evil finals. )  
  
Therefore, warning you all that I probably won't update in a couple weeks. So don't expect anything!  
  
Plus, stuffy nose isn't helping.  
  
Sooo…buh bye!  
  
*peeks out from side of computer screen*  
  
Umm…please don't throw tomatoes at me?  
  
*SPLAT!*  
  
Never mind…  
  
******************************************************** 


	18. Problems, problems, problems

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
YEP! I'M BACK! For now.  
  
Disclaimer: I WILL own LOTR..someday..  
  
Btw~ Your reviews make me so happy!!!!!!  
  
Btw some more~ I know the evil pink video tape didn't show up AGAIN..it will come in good time.mwahahahaha.  
  
Btw some even more~ Frodo and Sam haven't been appearing much lately, but the next chapter will be COMPLETELY devoted to them.  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
******************************************************** [Now, to Isengard!!! Yay?]  
  
"Ow.ow.ow.I mean, ahem. Feeling much better and looking more kingly too," Theoden checked his attire. Sword. Swishy kingly cape. Kingly outfit. Kingly shield. Attire should be completed. "Oh, wait! Stop! I forgot my band-aids!!! SOMEONE GO GET ME MY BAND-AIDS NOW!"  
  
"Band-aids?." a random doorwarden looked shocked, "He.he hasn't said band-aid for 20 years!"  
  
"19 years, mind you! I'm not as old as you think!" Theoden straightened his back then cried, "AHHH! MY LUMBAGO!"  
  
"Are you sure he's going to be a help to us?." Aragorn whispered to Gandalf.  
  
"Shhh! Go.play with your sword or something!" Gandalf rushed over to Theoden to explain the origins of the band-aid, as Theoden was arguing that topic with the doorwarden.  
  
"Boy, did THAT sound wrong." Legolas covered his eyes for a moment, then let go.  
  
"Shut up!!" Aragorn whapped him on the head.  
  
"Oh, THAT hurt." Legolas's voice was dripping with sarcasm. (Eww.I'll have to wipe that up later.)  
  
"I can hit harder you know!" Aragorn whapped him again. Legolas flinched a bit, but kept right on taunting.  
  
"You hit like a GIRL!"  
  
"I do NOT!"  
  
"Do too!"  
  
"Do not!"  
  
"DO TOO!!" (Here we go again.)  
  
"DO NOT!!"  
  
"What's going on??" Eowyn seemed to appear from nowhere, brandishing her father's walking stick.which happened to be made out of really stiff wood with gold and marble pieces. Very hard objects that can break people's skulls, I've heard. Aragorn and Legolas seemed to observe that very same thing.  
  
"Err.hello, Legolas, my buddy old friend old pal old-" Aragorn put on a cheesy grin and gave a friendly elbow jab to Legolas.  
  
"Ow!! You'll pay for- err.I mean, yes, buddy old friend old pal." Legolas put on an equally cheesy grin. Eowyn wasn't fooled. WHAP! WHAP!  
  
"No fighting in MY father's hall! Did you know how much blood I had to clean up from LAST time?? I ran out of a WHOLE roll of Bounty Quicker- Picker Uppers!!!"  
  
"Blood?." Legolas was afraid and shuffled away from Aragorn.  
  
"A whole roll of Bounty Quicker-Picker Uppers?? Man, THAT'S gotta be a LOTTA blood." Aragorn pondered.  
  
"It sure was!" Eowyn nodded firmly, "Wanna know how it started? It all started." Aragorn listened intently.  
  
"PSST! Aragorn! We have to GO NOW! The King's done swallowing his medication pills!" Legolas pulled on Aragorn's arm. Then to himself, "I wonder if he happens to have an extra bottle of Advil."  
  
"All right.all right.tell me later! Ok? See ya later!" Aragorn grinned and waved to Eowyn.  
  
"Nice meeting you!" Eowyn smiled and waved flirtatiously back.  
  
"Oh, wait.Aragorn.we're not leaving after all.the King kinda.hang on, lemme see.oh, he seems to have fallen down the stairs again." Legolas tippy- toed (despite his height) to see over the crowd. Aragorn zoomed back to Eowyn.  
  
"What happened after Bob insulted Fred?? Did they attack each other??" Aragorn asked, hoping for gory details. And Eowyn knew exactly what he wanted.  
  
"Exactly! So Fred speared Bob RIGHT through the stomach! All the blood came POURING out like a waterfall! His guts were limply hanging out." Eowyn said eagerly.  
  
"Woah.that's so cool." Aragorn sat there, wide-eyed. (We don't really think so, do we?..)  
  
"I KNOW! And then." Eowyn kept talking. Legolas sat in a corner with Gimli, discussing weapons.  
  
"ARROWS!!"  
  
"AXES!!"  
  
"ARROWS!!"  
  
"AXES!!"  
  
Okay, maybe not really DISCUSSING weapons.but close enough. Gandalf STILL hasn't finished his "Origin of the Band-Aid" theory.he didn't seem to notice that Theoden fell down the stairs.  
  
".and so, the guy wrote about the 101 efficient ways to use a band- aid and after he got those approved, he moved on to get a patent."  
  
Aragorn and Eowyn were tottering on the fine line between friendliness and flirting.  
  
"REALLY? You can FIGHT? Maybe I can fight you later! How about that?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh yeah! Definitely! I even forge my own swords!"  
  
"Wow! Did you know my sword is THE Anduril?"  
  
"Oh my God!"  
  
"I know!"  
  
"So YOU'RE Isildur's heir? How much money do ya get?"  
  
"Oh, LOADS. I get all of Gondor!"  
  
"You're KIDDING!"  
  
"Nope! I get the WHOLE thing!"  
  
"Provided you aren't dead by the time this war thing's over,"  
  
"Yeah.that too."  
  
"Do you have a girlfriend?"  
  
".what?"  
  
"Do.you.have.a.girlfriend.?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Arwen. Forgot to tell you about her. She's fantastic, really."  
  
".."  
  
".she even mends my socks! And also."  
  
".."  
  
".once she made this WONDERFUL beef casserole."  
  
".."  
  
".and lasagna.mmm.."  
  
"Okay, I think it's time you go now." Eowyn glared at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Dad's leaving. Go. You better go with him," Eowyn said coldly. Aragorn, not getting the hint being a man, said cheerfully,  
  
"Okay! See you later!" And so the whole war party went SLOWLY down the stairs (they weren't allowed to walk in front of the king) and got on their horses. Voices could be heard off into the distance.  
  
"ARROWS!!"  
  
"AXES!!"  
  
"ARROWS!!"  
  
"AXES!!"  
  
******************************************************** 


	19. A young, innocent, impressionable hobbit

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ 169 reviews!!!! Wheee!!!! I love you all!!!! I never thought I'd actually get this far.  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Actually, for this chapter, I don't think you really need a warning.  
  
******************************************************** [Frodo and Sam on their way to.dundundun.MORDORRR! Heehee.]  
  
They were still in the boat.  
  
Going up the river.  
  
Rowing.  
  
Just Sam rowing actually.  
  
Yup.  
  
"Sam?" Frodo asked, still hidden under his cloak, "Are you still there?" (Frodo has this conception-of-a-4-year-old theory that if you cover your eyes, no one can see you.)  
  
"Yes, Frodo." Sam's patience was wearing very very thin as Frodo asked this about 5 gazillion times.  
  
"Can you see Mordor yet?"  
  
"Frodo. We're still ON THE RIVER!"  
  
"Oh.where is Mordor?" Frodo scooted a bit closer to his end of the boat.  
  
"Somewhere in Middle-Earth. Why?"  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"What makes you think Sauron's going to invite you to eat dinner with him?"  
  
"No, I wasn't answering the question! I was merely stating a fact."  
  
"Frodo, I'm hungry too, but do you see me complaining?"  
  
"I can't see you at ALL, Sam."  
  
"I meant it figuratively."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"By the way, can you scoot closer to your end of the boat? I feel unbalanced here."  
  
"Unbalanced? Frodo, the boat's just fine."  
  
"No, it isn't! Now, SCOOT!"  
  
"I think you're being just a BIT obsessive, Frodo."  
  
"NO, I'M NOT!!!"  
  
"Suit yourself, but I'm not scooting. I like where I'm sitting."  
  
"Well, I DON'T."  
  
"Yay?"  
  
"So that means MOVE IT!"  
  
"No, no, and no."  
  
"Don't make me come out of here."  
  
"Actually, I'd be happier if you were out of there. I feel like I'm talking to a cloak."  
  
"Fine. Don't make me stay in here."  
  
"I really don't care. I don't mind talking to a cloak."  
  
"You're a poop."  
  
"That hurts, Frodo. That really hurts."  
  
"HA! Sam is a poop! A poop, a poop, a poooooooop!"  
  
"In case you didn't notice the sarcasm."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I don't think this river's ever going to end."  
  
"It's not? How are you going to get to Mordor then?"  
  
"Dimwit. We're going to land somewhere, then WALK to Mordor. Duh."  
  
"Oh, I forgot that WE were going to Mordor."  
  
"Um.that's kinda why you're ON this boat. This isn't a free scenic ride up the river."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"Sure you do, Frodo. Sure you do."  
  
"But I do!"  
  
"I was kidding, Frodo."  
  
"Do you always have to say my name? I'm the only one you're talking to and I know my own name, thanks."  
  
"It's a habit, Frodo. See? There I go again."  
  
"I noticed."  
  
"I know you noticed, Frodo. You know, you're right. I need to break this habit, Fro-. Errg."  
  
"I'm making you mad, aren't I? Heehee. Go me!"  
  
"No, I'm making myself mad."  
  
"Oh. Damn. Thought I was actually getting somewhere."  
  
"But you aren't."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"I know you know that. I was just pointing out the obvious, Fro-. Damn."  
  
"Haha. You can't break a habit."  
  
"You enjoy this?"  
  
"I'm bored. Give me a break."  
  
"It'd be less boring if you get out from under that cloak and look around you."  
  
"No. It'd be even more boring. All there is is water and trees. At least I see some colorful fuzz in here."  
  
"Just water and trees? These are the elements of life, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"And your point is?."  
  
"That they are elements of life."  
  
"Somehow I find the elements of life boring."  
  
"Never mind, then.stay under that cloak as long as you want and just don't enjoy the beauty of nature."  
  
"Now you sound like you're an environmentalist. You're scaring me."  
  
"I'm a gardener, Fro-. Damn. That's what I do. I appreciate nature."  
  
"I thought you grew apple trees."  
  
"I do that too."  
  
"Oh.anyway, do you think the others noticed that we're gone?"  
  
"What makes you ask?"  
  
"Can I not have a sudden thought and ask it?"  
  
"What makes you think I know the answer?"  
  
"Nothing. Other than the fact that you're the ONLY ONE I can talk to here."  
  
"That still doesn't mean I know the answer."  
  
"Fine, then. What do you THINK the answer is?"  
  
"I can't THINK an answer. An answer is a definite answer. I would be expressing my opinion. Not answering your question."  
  
"Arggh! I hate you. FINE. What's your OPINION?"  
  
"I have none."  
  
"I hate you even more."  
  
"Love you too, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"Will you stop saying 'damn it' so much? I'm still a young, innocent, and impressionable hobbit here."  
  
"Frodo? I'm about your age and I don't care."  
  
"What does that have anything to do with young, innocent, and impressionable me?"  
  
"Absolutely nothing. Other than the fact that I can say anything I want to say. If you don't like it, get off the boat."  
  
"But I don't want to."  
  
"Then stop trying to control what I say."  
  
"I'm not TRYING. I'm asking you."  
  
"That's trying, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"See? There you go again."  
  
"I can't help it."  
  
"Well, help it!"  
  
"But I can't."  
  
"I'M ORDERING YOU TO HELP IT!"  
  
"I could just give one side of the boat a LITTLE nudge and we'd all tip over and fall into the water and drown happily."  
  
"What make you think I'm going to drown HAPPILY?"  
  
"Sarcasm, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"Swearing's bad for you."  
  
"Why? It prevents me from hitting you."  
  
"I don't know. Bilbo says it's bad."  
  
"Then you have never seen Bilbo drink."  
  
"But I have."  
  
"Not excessively drink."  
  
"Yes, I have."  
  
"Two cups of alcohol is not considered excessive drinking, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"Oh. I knew that. Are we close to Mordor yet?"  
  
"You like to switch to random subjects a lot, don't you?"  
  
"The voices in my head tell me to."  
  
"Riiiight."  
  
"But they do!"  
  
"You have issues."  
  
"No, I don't. What makes you think I brought any magazines or newspapers with me?"  
  
"I meant mental issues."  
  
"I knew that."  
  
"Sure you did."  
  
"But I-wait. Was that sarcasm?"  
  
"Good job."  
  
"That was sarcasm, too, wasn't it?"  
  
"You deserve the Recognizing-the-obvious-quicker-than-anyone-else award of the year."  
  
"Are you being sarcastic again?"  
  
"Shut up, Fro-. Damn it."  
  
"So ARE we close to Mordor yet?"  
  
"No. We are hundreds of miles away from it."  
  
"Oh. This ring thing is getting heavier. You didn't feed it, did you?"  
  
"Feed it? You can't feed a ring, Fro-. Goddammit."  
  
"You can't feed a ring? I knew that. Goddammit's a very very bad word. Stop saying it."  
  
"Because you're a young, innocent, and impressionable hobbit? No, I don't think so."  
  
"But I am!"  
  
"I meant that because of that, I'm not going to stop saying goddammit, goddammit."  
  
"God might hear you and punish you for saying such bad things."  
  
"We don't have a god. We have GODS."  
  
"We do?"  
  
"Jesus.what world do YOU live in?"  
  
"Middle-Earth. And don't say Jesus! He might punish you too."  
  
"God."  
  
"Now I'm certain he's going to punish you."  
  
"Why? I'm saying his name."  
  
"You're using it in vain."  
  
"What do you expect me to say then?"  
  
"I expect you to ask him for his forgiveness."  
  
"God, I ask you for your forgiveness."  
  
"Not emotional enough."  
  
"GOD, I ASK YOU FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS."  
  
"I said more emotional, not louder."  
  
"I give up."  
  
"He's not going to forgive you then."  
  
"Oh, shut up!"  
  
"You're going to regret it."  
  
"SHUT UP, FRO-. DAMN IT!"  
  
"Am I frustrating you?"  
  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK??"  
  
"That I am."  
  
"GOOD JOB."  
  
"Aha. Sarcasm. Right?"  
  
********************************************************  
  
~My sincere apologies to any Christians who are offended. 


	20. Fillet mignon, what is that?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ LOVE THE REVIEWS! Sorry for not updating, Julia. ^^; Finals are soon, so this one's a bit short. Enjoy, anyway! (Please.)  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Actually, for this chapter, I don't think you really need a warning either.  
  
******************************************************** [Theoden and company STILL on the way to Isengard.slowpokes.]  
  
"MY LEGS! OH, MY LEGS! STOP! MY LEGS ARE SO TIRED! LET'S STOP!" Theoden roared with the loudness of an.elephant.  
  
"Umm.your majesty?" Aragorn lifted an index finger.  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"Err.you're riding a horse."  
  
"What does that have to do with my legs? Hey, guy with purple socks! Take them OFF! They annoy me! What were you saying? Oh yeah. Riding horses."  
  
"Your legs are tired HOW?."  
  
"THEY JUST ARE!"  
  
"Eheh.just making sure, your majesty."  
  
"Whatever. Now go do something productive.like getting me some fillet mignon or something," the king waved his hand carelessly towards Aragorn.  
  
"Fillet mignon?.What's that?"  
  
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A FILLET MIGNON IS?"  
  
"..no.."  
  
"Idiot! Imbecile!"  
  
"I know, your majesty."  
  
"GOOD!"  
  
"But I know how to make a mean squirrel stew!"  
  
"..ew."  
  
"Oh.well, umm, I'll go inform someone that you want your.fillet miggot.or something." Aragorn started to leave when a hail of words were thrown right at him.  
  
"MIGNON! IT'S MIGNON! MIGNON!"  
  
"Ow.oww.my eardrums.oww." Aragorn winced.  
  
"EXECUTIONER!!" the king screamed.  
  
"Uh oh.the axe isn't for me, is it?" Aragorn eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and he scampered off towards the forest, the dots on the outfit beating him on the way for interrupting their tennis game.  
  
"BEHEAD THAT GUY WITH THE PURPLE SOCKS!" Aragorn let out a sigh of relief. Suddenly, footsteps were quickly coming Aragorn's way. It was Legolas. With purple socks on.  
  
"HELP ME, ARAGORN!"  
  
"YOU are the one with the purple socks?" Aragorn asked, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"YES! JUST HELP ME!"  
  
"Just take them off!"  
  
"THEY WON'T COME OFF!"  
  
"WHY did you wear them in the FIRST PLACE?"  
  
"IT WAS DARK! I THOUGHT THEY WERE BLUE!"  
  
"Impossible.they HAVE to come off!" Aragorn tugged on Legolas's socks. They wouldn't come off.  
  
"TOLD YOU!"  
  
"STOP YELLING!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
"OK!"  
  
"Hang on.I have a plan!"  
  
"Uh oh." Legolas was afraid.  
  
"Do you know how to make fillet miggot?"  
  
"What??"  
  
"FILLET MIGGOT!"  
  
"FILLET MIGNON?"  
  
"Yeah, that's it!"  
  
"What good does that do?"  
  
"The king wants it!"  
  
"SO?"  
  
"IDIOT! MAKE A GOOD ONE FOR THE KING AND HE'LL FORGIVE YOU!"  
  
".I knew that."  
  
"Dumbbutt. Quick! Make one!"  
  
"Ok! Ok! First we need."  
  
"Need what?"  
  
"I'M GETTING THERE! We need frozen fillet mignon and a microwave."  
  
"ARRGHH..is that how you make fillet mignon??"  
  
"Err..all elves make it that way with all their food."  
  
"I am going to KILL Elrond.he said his cookies were HOMEMADE..liar."  
  
"Oh my god!" Legolas shrieked.  
  
"I know!! And to think I was dumb enough to think they were HOMEMADE."  
  
"No, you idiot! The executioner's coming!"  
  
".That's the second time I've been called an idiot, today.WHEN WILL THE TORTUROUS NAME-CALLING END!?"  
  
"I DON'T CARE!!!! WHERE'S THE FILLET MIGNON?"  
  
"WELL IF YOU DON'T CARE, I'M NOT GOING TO HELP YOU!"  
  
"BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD!" Legolas retorted.  
  
"I TAKE IT BACK, YOU IDIOT!"  
  
"YOU DISGUSTING MORTAL!"  
  
"YOU INSUFFICIENT ELF!"  
  
"YOU FASHION FAILURE!" Legolas drew out his dagger.  
  
"YOU PERFECTIONIST!" Aragorn drew out his sword and swung it back to gain power to hit Legolas when THUMP!  
  
"What was that?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Eh?" Aragorn looked behind him. It was the executioner.  
  
"Aragorn!! You're my savior! You knocked him out with your butter knife!" Legolas jumped up and down in joy.  
  
"SWORD!"  
  
"BUTTER KNIFE!"  
  
"YOU STUBBORN GIT!"  
  
"YOU PATHETIC IDIOT!"  
  
"Now that's the THIRD time today..I've had ENOUGH of this I tell you."  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Gandalf tapped the hot pink video tape depressingly, "Didn't ANYONE bring a VCR and a TV with him?."  
  
******************************************************** 


	21. Scrubbing for the King

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ eee. Sorry sorry sorry! For not updating. *hides* please don't hit me. By the way, would someone tell me WHY the stupid paragraphs aren't showing up in paragraph form?  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Actually, for this chapter, I don't think you really need a warning.  
  
********************************************************  
  
[cleaning up.]  
  
"Legolas.Aragorn..both of you DO know that those tomatoes you threw each costs me $500..they were SPECIALLY grown with SPECIAL ingredients which made them SPECIAL tomatoes which now you will SPECIALLY pay me back for," Theoden put on a sarcastic smile.  
  
"Aragorn started it!" Legolas immediately shoved Aragorn forward.  
  
"What the-?!" Aragorn started.  
  
"IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT? I KNEW IT ALL ALONG EVER SINCE YOU WERE HITTING ON MY DAUGHTER, THAT YOU WERE TROUBLE!" Theoden snarled. All the Rohan subjects gasped in unison.  
  
"SHE was the one that-" Aragorn stuttered. Legolas slapped the back of his head. "Do you want your head chopped off or what?!"  
  
"Oh, shut up Legolas! You started THIS in the first place." Aragorn crossed his arms.err..crossedly.  
  
"Well, it's true! You DID start it! Remember? You grabbed that tomato from that chef guy and you threw it at me, but missed? THEN, I-"  
  
"OKAY, LEGOLAS. SHUT UP ALREADY!"  
  
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Theoden raged. "I WANT EVERYTHING CLEANED UP! NOW!"  
  
"Cleaned.up?..Everything?" Legolas shuddered.  
  
"JUST THE BOTH OF YOU!"  
  
"But..but Your Majesty..I...I." Aragorn stammered. Both of them weren't used to cleaning up by themselves. Legolas grew up as a prince and Aragorn grew up in Elrond's household. Both had quite a handful of Elven servants.  
  
"RAGS. CLEAN. UP. NOW." Theoden tossed them two tiny rags.  
  
"At least I should be thankful that MY tomato didn't hit the king's white silk tent..that'll take forever.serves him right." Legolas mumbled, getting on his knees to scrub tomato mush off a spare horse saddle. Aragorn, as you might've guessed, got the dirtiest work.  
  
"SCRUB! I didn't say DUST my tent! SCRUB IT, YOU FOOL. What are you doing??? You're scrubbing it INTO the tent! SCRUB IT OFF! OFF!" Theoden sat, drinking a cup of cold water, while watching Aragorn scrub his tent.  
  
"But I AM scrub-"  
  
"SHUT UP! DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK BACK? NOOOO. GET BACK TO WORK!"  
  
"When I'm the future king of Gondor..he'll pay for this." Aragorn mumbled darkly, envisioning that the tomato mush stain was in the shape of Theoden's face.  
  
After about 4 hours of scrubbing, Theoden allowed the both of them a 3- minute break. And not one nanosecond more.  
  
"Owowowoww..my muscles seized up." Legolas rubbed his arms.  
  
"And you think mine haven't? At least Theoden didn't scream at YOU. AND you didn't have yellow polka dots jumping on your spine." Aragorn rubbed his back.  
  
"Never am I going to throw tomatoes again. Never."  
  
"Not in front of HIM, anyway."  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Did YOU think I was hitting on his daughter?"  
  
"Only an idiot couldn't have seen that."  
  
"...are you sure?"  
  
"NO.." Legolas scoffed sarcastically.  
  
"You are one evil elf, you know that?"  
  
"And you are one idiotic mortal." Legolas said with a superior tone in his voice. Like he was of royal blood or something. (Wait. I take that back). BLAM!  
  
"Ha!"  
  
"Ow!! Why did you hit me with a potato?"  
  
"For one, you called me IDIOTIC. For two, it isn't a tomato, so it isn't illegal." Aragorn grinned. BLAM!  
  
"Ha! Got you back!"  
  
"Not for long!" BLAM!  
Two hours later..  
"NEVER am I going to throw tomatoes OR potatoes again. Never." Legolas and Aragorn were back on their knees. Scrubbing. Again.  
  
******************************************************** 


	22. Purest Elf in Middle Earth

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Thankees for the reviews! :o) They were lovely.  
  
Random FACT: I got my hair cut! Cut! Lots of it all gone. :o(  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
WARNING!  
  
********************************************************  
  
[On their way to the big battle!]  
  
"Aragorn..." Legolas sleepily poked Aragorn. They had to share a tent, since there were no other spare ones left from Rohan. (And NO, NOTHING HAPPENED. Perverts.) "Ew. You have a tomato mush stain. Anyway, wakey wakey!" Snort. Aragorn just rolled over and continued snoring.  
  
"Mrmhmm..." He snorted.  
  
"Sorry, Aragorn, but don't worry. I'll buy you hearing aids later," Legolas cleared his throat. "ARAGOORN!! WAKE UP!!"  
  
"AHHHH! LEGOLAS! WHAT IS IT?? ARE WE BEING ATTACKED? SAVE ME!" Aragorn shrieked, trying to jump out of his sleeping bag, only to find that he was stuck in it.  
  
"No..we're not being attacked. It's breakfast time," Legolas brushed his hair then tossed it (like in the Pantene Pro-V commercials!).  
  
"What? There's an infested lime? Where?" Aragorn dug his finger in his ear. Legolas rolled his eyes, then strolled out. Aragorn frowned with a confused expression on his face. Then, he proceeded to try to free himself from his own sleeping bag. It was quite stubborn.  
  
"Get OFF me, you..." Aragorn used some pretty colorful language after that. Still didn't work. At that precise moment, he rolled into the side of the tent, causing it to tip and snap Aragorn shut inside. Which caused Aragorn to roll around frantically.right into the campfire. Therefore, setting the tent on fire. Which caused Aragorn pain. Much pain.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
A singed Aragorn finally wrenched himself out of the burned-down tent. His pink bathrobe was no longer pink. His cow slippers no longer...looking like cows. The Rohan subjects were trying their very best to bite back their giggles.  
  
"HAHAHA!! Ahem. Sorry."  
  
They weren't very good at it.  
  
"You are SO lucky I had a bucket of water right next to me," Legolas loomed over the sprawled Aragorn. Aragorn let out a little cough, and then said raspily.  
  
"Yeah, I guess...Oh no..."  
  
"What? Do you have a severe burn? I can treat that, you know...I'm very good at-" Legolas started.  
  
"Shut up, you ass. It's the bathrobe...Arwen gave it to me...she's going to kill me..."  
  
"Oh. Well, don't forget to invite me to the funeral," Legolas said cheerily, then picked up his bags and walked towards Air-rod (his borrowed horse, in case you forgot). Suddenly.  
  
"ARRRGH! GIMLI, DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!" Aragorn shrieked.  
  
"Gimli?" Legolas frowned. "I don't recall him coming with us..." ZOOOP! Gimli suddenly appeared and held his axe up.  
  
"You don't...RECALL?"  
  
"Err...of course I do!" Legolas grinned nervously.  
  
"Yay!" Gimli said and BLOOP, he disappeared somewhere.  
  
"Woah...that conditioner is really getting to my head." Legolas blinked furiously, being quite confused. WHOOSH! "Huh? What was that?"  
  
"It's me! And don't you DARE look!" Aragorn said, from behind a clump of trees.  
  
"Why ever not?" Legolas asked, not getting the point.  
  
"I'm CHANGING, you moron," Aragorn sighed exasperatingly.  
  
"Okaaaay, I DIDN'T need to know that..."  
  
"What's wrong with changing?"  
  
"Images, Aragorn, images,"  
  
"Perverted elf,"  
  
"PERVERTED?? I'm the purest elf on Middle Earth!"  
  
"Ha! Pure, my ass. So you're a virgin, huh?"  
  
"Yes, and I will STAY a virgin until marriage," (much to the disappointment of many hopeful rabid fangirls).  
  
"God, you make me sick," Aragorn rolled his eyes and stepped out from behind the trees. (FULLY CLOTHED, perverted people).  
  
"Why?"  
  
"NEVER MIND, Legolas..." Aragorn sighed, then mumbled, "you blonde ditz."  
  
"I HEARD THAT!"  
  
"And what are you gonna do about it? Throw a BRUSH at me? Oh no.I'm so AFRAID..." CLONK! A brush came flying out of nowhere and connected with the back of Aragorn's head. "OWWW! I didn't mean that!"  
  
"Suuuure...now give me my brush back!" Legolas demanded.  
  
"No way in hell," Aragorn stuck his tongue out at Legolas.  
  
"GIVE IT TO ME!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU TWO! ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?" Theoden marched over and grabbed the brush.  
  
"Err...yeah," Legolas tried to remain calm and dignified outside (while inside, he was trying his very very best to not reach over and snatch his brush, then laugh in Aragorn's face).  
  
"Good. Heeey, this is a nice brush. I like it," Theoden walked off, clutching Legolas's brush.  
  
"Noooooo..." Legolas fell on his knees and whined.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!" Aragorn smirked, laughing in Legolas's face.  
  
"Shut up, you," Legolas glared at him, then grabbed another brush from one of his mysterious pockets, furiously brushing his hair while walking towards Air-rod.  
  
"Wha-! How can-? How many brushes can one guy bring with him??"  
  
"I heard that! I brought six, in case you wanted to know!" a far-off voice was heard. (Obviously Legolas's).  
  
"Damn Elven ears,"  
  
"I HEARD THAT TOO!"  
  
"What am I supposed to do? Not talk at all?!"  
  
"YES,"  
  
"Errg," Aragorn fumed while striding towards Bob (HIS borrowed horse, in case you also forgot). "Eh? Bob? What happened to you?!" Bob stood there, silent and edgy as always, but he was somehow...shiny. Very shiny. Shiny like you've never seen a horse shiny before. Bob just blinked.  
  
"Theoden...what happened to Bob?..."  
  
"Eh? Who's Bob? Ohhh! Hello Bob! What's wrong with Bob?"  
  
"He's...SHINY. Like Legolas's hair in the- Wait a minute...LEGOLAS!!!"  
  
"YEAH?"  
  
"What did you do to Bob??"  
  
"JUST A LITTLE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONING! WHY?"  
  
"He's JUST a little SHINIER than usual!"  
  
"THAT'S FINE! DOESN'T HE LOOK PRETTY?"  
  
"No, not really!"  
  
"ARE YOU DISSING THE WAY I WASH HAIR?"  
  
"No...but-!"  
  
"FINE, IF YOU WANT TO CRITICIZE, DON'T CRITICIZE AT ALL! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE!"  
  
"...Well, that doesn't make sense..."  
  
"IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!"  
  
"STOP YELLING IN MY EAR!" Theoden mounted his horse and shouted.  
  
"Sorry," Aragorn mounted Bob.  
  
"SORRY!" Legolas yelled from far-off.  
  
"SORRY WHAT?" Theoden was seeing red.  
  
"UMM...SORRY A HUNDRED TIMES?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"UMM...SORRY A THOUSAND TIMES?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"UMM..."  
  
"IT'S 'SORRY, YOUR MAJESTY'!"  
  
"OH! SORRY!"  
  
Theoden decided right then and there that once this whole battle was over with, he was going to make Legolas scrub every room in the Golden Hall with nothing but a toothbrush.  
  
******************************************************** 


	23. How about THIS battle cry?

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Yay! People still read my story! I love you guys! I'm so touched. *sniffle*  
  
Note~ Sorry this one's so short!  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Not much of a warning.  
  
********************************************************  
  
[RIGHT before the big battle! (I PROMISE the battle will come next chapter) A thought about battle cries...]  
  
"A...Aragorn?" Legolas stuttered to Aragorn (duh) as their horses trotted side by side.  
  
"WHAT now??" Aragorn was (obviously) still pissed about the fire and the brush incidents.  
  
"Umm...I know how to fight and all..."  
  
"HAHAHA! Ahem. Sorry. Keep going,"  
  
"Stupid mortal moron," Legolas muttered, then continued in his normal voice. "What exactly is a battle cry? Do you...cry in battle?"  
  
"You DON'T know what a battle cry is?" Aragorn stared at Legolas is disbelief.  
  
"No!" Legolas...err...defended himself. "We, SPECIAL IMMORTAL MORE- BEAUTIFUL-THAN-YOU-MEN-WILL-EVER-BE ELVES, fight and attack by stealth and silence, needing no battle cry, whatever that is. You MEN just stampede RIGHT into battle like a herd of oliphants, letting the enemy know EXACTLY where you are and therefore getting MORE of you get killed!! But, then again, what am I thinking? Naturally, you MEN would do such an idiotic thing like that," Legolas concluded his statement lightly and brought one of his hands up to his face to scrutinize the cleanness of his nails. Aragorn blinked, pondered the argument, then glared daggers at Legolas's braids, wishing dearly to chop them off right then and there.  
  
"Oh, right. What's a battle cry?" Legolas suddenly turned towards Aragorn. Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"And you call yourselves the WISEST, most INTELLIGENT people on Middle Earth," He scoffed. Legolas flipped his hair and put his scrutinized hand on his waist.  
  
"But we ARE! Being WISE and INTELLIGENT does NOT necessarily mean we have to know EVERY SINGLE term in your godforsaken language of MEN..AND-"  
  
"And I see a perfect example of this....WHERE?" Aragorn proceeded to look everywhere except at Legolas. Legolas sighed.  
  
"Alrite. I will say NO more. I see my representation of the SPECIAL IMMORTAL MORE-BEAUTIFUL-THAN-YOU-MEN-WILL-EVER-BE ELVES has failed to move the cold hearts of MEN. I give up until I see a mortal who TRULY understands us. Back to battle cries,"  
  
"Errrg. Shut UP and listen then. A battle cry is phrase or statement that is yelled out by one person and/or everyone right before a battle, and in some cases during the battle, to raise the hearts of the soldiers (or fighters) and give them hope and confidence. And perhaps intimidate the enemy a bit," Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh....can I have a battle cry?"  
  
"What??"  
  
"CAN I HAVE A BATTLE CRY?"  
  
"Your...own battle cry?"  
  
"Yes. What's wrong with that? I don't approve of a battle cry uttered forth by all...MEN. I should yell one for the Elves," Legolas nodded. Aragorn raised an eyebrow.  
  
"If...you WANT to...I suppose..." There was a lengthy pause.  
  
"How's 'GO ELVES!'?" Legolas asked Aragorn.  
  
"That is an EMBARRASING battle cry. Please...don't yell that. I'm stationed right next to you. That could ruin my reputation...forever,"  
  
"How about... 'ELVES ARE COOL AND ORCS DROOL!'? How's that one?" Legolas grinned like a schoolgirl cheerleader.  
  
"Oh...my...Valar..." Aragorn buried his face in his hands. Legolas's face fell.  
  
"That wasn't good either?" Aragorn glared at Legolas. "I take that as a no..."  
  
WHOOOSH! *pans camera to Aragorn, Legolas, and everyone else riding into the sunset, their backs faced to us* Far-off voices are heard...  
  
"Ooo! I got it! How about 'I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SLICE YOUR HEAD OFF AND I'LL SUCCEED CUZ I'M AN ELF! ELF! ELF!'?"  
  
"ERRRG!!!! Ican'tkillLegolasIcan'tkillLegolasIcan'tkillLegolas..."  
******************************************************** 


	24. Purple Butterflies and such things

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Yay! People still read my story! I love you guys! I'm so touched. *sniffle*  
  
Note~ Sorry this one's so short!  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
Not much of a warning.  
  
********************************************************  
  
[Some odd Elven dreams.] (Sorry! But I need more time to actually think about how to write a battle scene.I'm having difficulties, so this comes first! I swear the battle will be the next chapter, but it might take a while.again, sorry!)  
  
"Oww..." Aragorn just woke up on a small grassy hill from a short nap he was taking with a cramp in his arm. He leaned over to his left to wake up Legolas when he noticed something was.different about him (other than his unnerving wide-open eyes). Legolas was mumbling in his sleep.  
  
"Hmm...this should be interesting. A good opportunity to catch some stuff for blackmail," Aragorn snickered, then grinning at his seemingly brilliant plan.  
  
"Mrhrrmm...pretty...pretty..." Legolas mumbled, then rolled over.  
  
"Aha...maybe he likes one of those Elven maidens..." Aragorn was carefully taking mental notes (not like they lasted long, but they worked for the moment).  
  
"Pretty...no...no...wait!..."  
  
"Aha...maybe he's afraid of being rejected by her...wouldn't that be great if he did? It would show the pompous git of an Elf that being an a pretty Elven boy doesn't mean ANYTHING..."  
  
"No...no...where are you going?...You don't like me?...mrhhhrm..."  
  
"C'mon...say something more interesting..."  
  
"No...no more butterflies..."  
  
"What the-?"  
  
"Oh! A pretty purple lonely butterfly! Come to Legolas!"  
  
"Purple butterflies?!...my god, what a pansy..." Aragorn rolled his eyes until suddenly, Legolas snatched his hand. Aragorn let out a little shriek and swiveled his head wildly in case anyone else saw. "I KNEW he was gay."  
  
"Pretty butterfly! I have you! You are so cute!" Legolas began rubbing Aragorn's hand on his cheek. Aragorn's lips turned ghostly white and tried tugging his hand free, only to find that Legolas had an iron grip.  
  
"Let go let go let go let go! Let me go...! I promise I won't tell anyone about this if you let me go!" Legolas still held fast and had a dreamy smile on his face.  
  
"Butterfly...I'm gonna keep you forever..." (Aww...) Aragorn, deciding this was the last straw, took desperate measures. Aragorn kicked Legolas in the shins. Hard.  
  
"OWW! followed by a string of naughty naughty words" Legolas, on instinct, pulled out an arrow and looked around quickly. Only to see Aragorn, holding fast to his left hand. "Aragorn!!! What was that for!!! I had a beautiful dream!!"  
  
"About purple BUTTERFLIES?" Aragorn snorted. A blush crept up Legolas's cheeks, but retaliated.  
  
"Butterflies are beautiful! They are nature's rainbows and-"  
  
"Before you ramble on about nature's blah blahs, Elfy, I want to get one thing straight."  
  
"My name is NOT ELFY! My name-"  
  
"Shut up. I want you to know that I am NOT GAY. You got that? And I do NOT want you holding my hand again. Furthermore, you sleep in your OWN tent from now on."  
  
"Huh? Why would I think you were gay?" Legolas's mind was a bit cloudy and filled with confused bits of fluff. "And when did I hold your hand? If there's anyone, ANYONE, in this area that's not gay, it's ME." Legolas began backing up from Aragorn a little bit.  
  
"AHAHAHA! Ahem. Anyways, you were HOLDING my hand while you were sleeping. ANYONE could have been watching! Being the gay person you are, I want you to know that I have a GIRLFRIEND. GIRLfriend. Understand? GIRL-"  
  
"SHUT UP ARAGORN! I'M NOT GAY!"  
  
"Purple butterflies, perfectly-combed blonde hair, leaping.I see no reason why you're not gay."  
  
"I AM NOT GAY! And I WASN'T LEAPING! I was being LIGHTFOOTED. And you suppose that I CAN'T read YOUR face while YOU'RE dreaming? I'd be DELIGHTED to tell Arwen some of the things you were mumbling and dreaming about." Legolas smirked. Aragorn hadn't expected this. His eyes widened.  
  
"You wouldn't dare. She wouldn't believe you!"  
  
"Ohhh yes she would. I'm an Elf. Us Elves ALWAYS trust each other above Men. It's a pact Mirkwood and Rivendell made a long time ago." Legolas's smirk grew smirkier. Aragorn fell at Legolas's feet.  
  
"No! Please! I beg you! Don't tell her! I swear not to tell anyone about your purple butterflies! I swear!"  
  
"Admit I'm not gay." Legolas was enjoying this.  
  
"I can't-"  
  
"ADMIT IT!!"  
  
"Alright! You're NOT gay!"  
  
"Furthermore, admit I'm NOT a pansy NOR a pompous git of an Elf!"  
  
"How did you know!?" Aragorn gasped.  
  
"My mind records many things that go on around me while I'm asleep. In case of emergencies or legal stuff." "Alright! I admit you're not a pansy nor a pompous git of an Elf."  
  
"I love this day. I shall remember this day forever. This is a DIARY day!" Legolas cried ecstatically.  
  
"Diary?..."  
  
"Er...I mean journal...I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! I'M NOT GAY!"  
  
******************************************************** 


	25. UPDATE NOTE!

NOTE: I am awfully sorry for those of you who have been waiting so long and disappointed that I didn't update. But I'm taking all these tough classes that are weighing me down, but today's a half day! So I'm working as hard as I can on the next chapter, which is much longer! So expect it soon! Thanks!  
  
-randomwriter96 


	26. Urukettes ahoy!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Wow.lotsa reviews.so touched. *sniffle*  
  
Note~ This is much longer! Enjoy. ^^ Sorry it's so late.  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
BIG warning.  
  
********************************************************  
  
[Yay! Battle.]  
  
"Aragorn...please don't tell me we're fighting the Urukettes..." Legolas shivered, not from the cold, but from fear. (YES, he can be frightened, those of you who think he's invincible).  
  
"Eh..."  
  
"Nooooooo!! Do you have paper? A pen? I need to write a will.."  
  
"You're nearly 3000 years old and you don't have a will? I'm 46 and I have a complete will!"  
  
"Eh? You're 46? I thought you were at least 132 in mortal years by the state of your wrinkles and aging form," Legolas surveyed Aragorn. Aragorn scowled and impulsively smoothed his hair back quickly and applying on hairspray to keep it back.  
  
"Thank you, Legolas. I suppose that statement means you don't want all my pretty elf maidens when I die?" Aragorn said sarcastically.  
  
"What?" Legolas perked up. "I get your elf maidens? Whoo! When? When?" Aragorn (again) resigned to wearing an I-give-up expression.  
  
"I need sleep. I will be going now." Aragorn mumbled in a monotonous tone.  
  
"Mm..." Legolas didn't hear a word he said, as he was idly checking his arrows and dreaming about pretty elf maidens at the same time (not a good combination). A few seconds later... "AHHHH!! I'M BLEEDING!"  
Later that night...  
  
"What the hell happened to YOU?" Aragorn tried not to make it look like an effort while struggling to walk in heavy armor stuff and carry a long sword at the same time. It took a while for him to obtain that sword, as no one trusted Aragorn's skills, his only weapon wielded so far being just a butter knife. And he was even no good with that. So yeah.  
  
"I dropped an arrow onto my foot. What does it look like??" Legolas scowled, wincing as he was trying to speed up the healing process using his "magical Elven powers". (Ooo...)  
  
"That you maybe didn't listen to me, therefore implying you are deaf, therefore you didn't hear a wild boar charging you, therefore it gored your foot most painfully?" Aragorn put a finger under his chin and faked a most thoughtful expression.  
  
"Ha ha. Very funny." Legolas tossed his hair, then muttered, "Mortals think of the most stupid insults."  
  
"I heard that!" Aragorn narrowed his eyes. "ELVES are the ones that can't think of ANY insults because their brains are as small as peas!" (He's very lucky that Arwen wasn't there.)  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU...IDIOT!" Legolas fumed and jabbed an index finger into Aragorn's chest. Aragorn's eyes widened as he began to tip backwards slowly due the immense weight of his armor.  
  
"Legolas!!"  
  
"Lalala..." Legolas grinned, being the 'deaf' and 'pea-brained' Elf he was, as Aragorn toppled and clattered to the floor.  
  
"Ow."  
Even later that night...  
  
"Legolas? Do you see anything yet?" Aragorn was standing on one of those rock wall things at Helm's Deep, anxiously waiting for the Urukettes to come. He was desperate to show off his "expert" swordsmanship.  
  
"I see-"  
  
"What??"  
  
"I'm getting there!"  
  
"You see what??"  
  
"SHUT UP! I see-"  
  
"The Urukettes??"  
  
"No...I see a soldier down there who desperately needs a good, strong wave perm...maybe I can give him a few tips before the Urukettes come..."  
  
"ARRG!!"  
  
"Constipation again, my dear Aragorn?" Legolas's smile spread from ear to ear. Elves never have constipation.  
  
"NO! It's YOU! I should have known not to ask you and waste my time!" Aragorn stormed off towards...another rocky wall. Legolas stared after him for a while, then whipped out a notebook and a pen.  
  
"Good deed for today...wasted Aragorn's time efficiently," Legolas wrote down, smiled, and pocketed the notebook. He lazily casted his eyes on the horizon and easily saw thousands and thousands of Urukettes dancing their way towards them with shiny, pointy objects in hand. "Oh well. I'll warn the soldiers later. I need to put on facial cream. And try out that new Ohm collection..."  
Even EVEN later that night..  
  
"Oooo...ahh...YES!.." Aragorn stopped dead at these noises (and bangings...) right by Legolas's tent.  
  
Aragorn: O_O;;;;;  
  
"Umm..Legolas?..I...er...hate to interrupt you, but I have news that can't wait,"  
  
"Errrg! Fine. Coming," Legolas appeared at the tent flap with a mere towel wrapped around his waist (cue for drool attack by rabid fangirls..but alas, the towel sticks firmly to his waist...and magically cannot flip up either). Aragorn diverted his gaze and acted like he didn't know that anything was going on.  
  
"Er...Legolas, you better get dressed and get that lady out of there, cuz the Urukettes are coming soon.."  
  
"What lady?"  
  
"YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH A MAN? I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY! OH MY GOD..."  
  
"Aragorn-"  
  
"IMAGES! GAHH..." Aragorn gagged and hyperventilated at such a pace never seen before.  
  
"ARAGORN-"  
  
"DON'T TELL ME WHO HE IS, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!"  
  
"ARAGORN!!"  
  
"What??"  
  
"I WAS WASHING MYSELF!"  
  
"...eh?"  
  
"Hello? Towel, fruity fragrance...you are so perverted! Dirty- minded, good- for-nothing, scummy-"  
  
"You were making morally wrong noises!"  
  
"WHAT? I was not!"  
  
"Then what was all that banging about!?"  
  
"I WAS TRYING TO GET MORE SOAP LIQUID OUT OF THE BOTTLE!!" Legolas roared. Aragorn burned with embarrassment. Nearly all the surrounding soldier- campers poked their head out of their tents and stared fixedly at them. Aragorn huffed and marched off...but not before he tripped on a tent post. (heehee).  
  
"Ow."  
  
Legolas chuckled and went inside his tent to dress accordingly. Cuz the battle was gonna be the highlight of his day. Time to embarrass Aragorn...some more.  
Even even EVEN later that night....  
  
"AHHH! THEY'RE COMING!" a young watch-soldier flung his spear down and ran rabidly away from his post. Apparently the horrific sight of the Urukettes was too much for him. And as they came closer, it was also apparent that they took up a new battle cry. A horrific song to the ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears. Especially sensitive Elven ears who hate Broadway.  
  
"WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE! WE'LL KICK YOUR NUTS RIGHT OFF! WE'RE THE URUKETTES, YES WE ARE!! TILL YOU DIE WITH A BLOODY COUGH!" They shrieked.  
  
Most soldiers could bear it (barely) and stayed, yet shaking with fear at what would happen...down there, should they fall into the hands of the Urukettes. Legolas was one of them.  
  
"Aragorn..A...Aragorn?"  
  
"What now, Legolas?" Apparently, Aragorn wasn't much affected by the song. Maybe he was confident that the Urukettes wouldn't kick him....down there so long as he had armor...on top of it.  
  
"Where did you get your armor?...."  
  
"Too late now, Legolas. They're coming. So take your position!"  
  
"A...Alrite.." Legolas warily drew his bow.  
  
"ATTENTION SOLDIERS!" Aragorn yelled. No one heeded.  
  
"Ahem. ATTENTIOOON!!" Aragorn screamed. Only Legolas heeded.  
  
"Lower your voice, would you? That's bad for my ears!"  
  
"Oh, shut it!" Aragorn retaliated. A megaphone magically dropped down from the sky (by the...ta da! Mysterious disembodied voice!)..onto his head. "Ow!!!! You could be a little more GENTLE!" No response from the sky. "Fine. Whatever. What is this?" Aragorn stared at the megaphone in his hand.  
  
"Well, it looks...like a trumpet horn thing. Try blowing into it." Legolas said.  
  
"Fine." Aragorn blew through it. Nothing happened. Legolas rolled his eyes and grabbed it from Aragorn and held it in front of his mouth.  
  
"Haven't you EVER taken any instrumental lessons??" Whoomf! His voice was magnified and suddenly, all the soldiers' heads turned towards Legolas. Legolas shifted his gaze from Aragorn to the soldiers. "Heeeyyy, I LIKE this thing!" Legolas talked into the megaphone again. The soldiers could hear him but had no idea what he was talking about. "Ahem! Soldiers, resume your positions and be ready to attack!" He proudly announced, like he was the commander of the battlefield...which he wasn't.  
  
"What strategy, Lieutenant Legolas?" a soldier cried out. Legolas lowered the megaphone and whispered to Aragorn.  
  
"Since when was I a lieutenant?"  
  
"Since when did YOU get to be commander?" Aragorn grabbed the megaphone. "We'll be assessing the circle strategy!"  
  
"And the triangle strategy and the polygon strategy and dodecahedron strategy and the rectangle strategy..." Legolas mimicked, piqued at having the megaphone taken away from him.  
  
"Shut up!" Aragorn yelled, intended for Legolas, but the megaphone was still up at his mouth. The army immediately stopped talking. "Heeeyyyy, I LIKE this!"  
  
"Aragorn, they're COMING!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"What?!" While Aragorn was distracted, looking around frantically, Legolas grabbed the megaphone.  
  
"Ha," Legolas stuck out his tongue. Aragorn quickly grabbed and yanked it, nearly pulling it out of his mouth, then let go (Poor Leggie...). "OWWW!" And while Legolas was trying to ease the pain, Aragorn picked up the dropped megaphone. He smirked. But then stopped as he saw Legolas in tears.  
  
"Oh Legolas, I'm sorry! I was just teasing...really! Honest! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." Actually, the real reason Legolas had tears in his eyes was that the dust from Aragorn's armor flew into them. Legolas mentally smirked now.  
  
"Aragorn! I can't forgive you! Did you know that Elves are so sensitive to the tongue that the first thing the enemy does it to cut them out? Did you??"  
  
"No..." Aragorn now had tears in his eyes.  
  
"It's all your fault! You and that stupid horn!"  
  
"I'm so sorry Legolas, I-" As Aragorn prepared to drop the megaphone over the edge of the rock wall, Legolas snatched it and gave a boyish grin, his tears magically gone. He nancied away, laughing. Aragorn mentally kicked himself and narrowed his eyes, resigning to another one of his bland I-give- up expressions. He threw his hands up in the air and rolled his eyes. Legolas will never grow up. Whatever. He could keep that..horn thing. A soldier's cry caught his attention.  
  
"GAHH!! URUKETTES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Immediately, the entire army disappeared into hiding. Leaving Aragorn, King Theoden (who was deaf and currently munching on some celery), Legolas, and a few brave soldiers (few being the key word). Oh, and the horses.  
  
"Well..I guess it's just us...then," Aragorn stared at the upcoming force of the Urukettes. "Legolas, can you-" But when he turned, Legolas was gone. "Great. Just me and...the deaf king," At that moment...  
  
"CHARGE!!" Gandalf was riding on Telefax, wearing a billowing white robe (that said Chuck's Laundry Service on the back...but no matter!). A couple soldiers were behind him, running to try to keep up with him (and obviously failing). Unknowing to Gandalf, someone taped a rod on his back. And on this rod was...you guessed it, the Viagra box. Apparantly, this person was trying to use a last attempt at defeating the Urukettes. The Urukettes split in two as the horse came charging through them and they waved their pointy objects (mainly tweezers, nail filers, and the sort) menacingly at him. They peered queerly at the rod, then shifted their gaze to the box. They all shrieked wildly in unison and ran away never to be seen again. Gandalf strutted back, thinking it was him. And so was the defeat of the Urukettes at Helm's Deep.  
  
The soldiers cheered and praised Gandalf (only to his face), but really praised the person who stuck the rod on Gandalf's back:...dundundun! Legolas! (rabid fangirls can now proclaim him a hero. What a benefit to society).  
  
******************************************************** 


	27. TEST

Note:  
  
(to ditto as well!)  
  
Oops! That testing thing that was this chapter was just a..test. ^_^;; Cuz the document didn't load up or something.  
  
Sorry about the confusion!  
  
(and to ditto: Yes. You passed the test as a wonderful reviewer! Thank you! ^_^)  
  
(and to MagicalRachel: sorry for getting your hopes up! Chapter 27 is here. I hope you enjoy that! ^_^) 


	28. An evil letter

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Wow.more reviews.so touched. *sniffle* I'm sorry!!! *bows down* Homework and tests and crap are keeping me uber-busy...haven't been on ff.net for a LONG time...  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
No warning. Just pure fun.  
  
******************************************************** Recommended Story: Ends of Earth by Cheshire Review: Wonderful and hilarious story of Elladan and Elrohir. :o) Very detailed and excellent. One of those stories that are absolutely well written but doesn't have enough reviews! (From now on, I'll put in a recommended story for those of you who don't have enough goodies to read. And these authors I do not know personally, so it is an unbiased decision. Hint: If you review, I may read your story and put it on. ^_^)  
  
********************************************************  
  
NOTE: Sorry it's really late and a bit short. School is really bogging me down. Oh, and I'm sorry I'm not focusing on the other characters enough. I will try to in the next few chapters...when I find out where they are at the moment...  
  
********************************************************  
  
[A letter from Arwen...what a frightening thought]  
  
"Hey Aragorn!" Legolas was sorting out the mail that came from the mail-carrier-person, looking for his monthly-subscribed magazine: Elven Vanity. (Big surprise...)  
  
"What?" Aragorn was busy soaking his feet, as they were very sore from standing on a rock wall for hours on end.  
  
"You have a letter!" Legolas held an amused tone. Aragorn froze and managed to utter out a response.  
  
"F-from who?"  
  
"You had to ask?" Legolas's voice was coming nearer (and so was the letter).  
  
"...Yes," Aragorn squeaked.  
  
"Well, it's from Arwen. THAT'S obvious," Legolas plunked down what looked like a package of printer paper in front of Aragorn. "And you better read it too! It was so heavy it probably tore my arm muscles..."  
  
"What arm muscles?..." Aragorn muttered, smirking.  
  
"I heard that!!!" Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Well, I'm off to exercise!" He then flounced away.  
  
"Exercise?? More like primp-ercise," Aragorn muttered, snatching (or rather, hefting) up Arwen's letter. "Great...Won't this be fun...I'm only hoping she wrote in her big handwriting this time..."  
FROM: Arwen Evenstar (I'm gonna be the QUEEN of Gondor!!! Mwahaha- ahem) TO: My Shmootsie-Poo Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Son of Aracorn, Son of Araworn, Song of Arahorn, Son of Araporn... AT: Third rock wall on the left at Helm's Deep DATE SENT: today URGENCY: I'm an Elf Princess dammit!!! Send it IMMEDIATELY or someone's head is gonna get chopped off!!!  
  
Dear Arry,  
  
It's your princess! Arwen! Surprised? I finally got the time to write you this. I've been pretty busy, what with shopping and all. There's a list of things I want to discuss with you...  
  
#1. NEVER EVER CHEAT ON ME! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! I have my ways of finding out if you do and it's not pretty. And if you do, not only will you be executed, but also you will be executed slowly and painfully. And I'll be watching. Mwahaha!  
  
#2. Your coronation party is all set up! Although it's months (maybe years) away, but no matter! Once you'll be king, I'll be queen! And if you don't mind, I invited my parents and my parents' parents and their parents and their parents...Oh! And my second cousin and cousin and their parents and their parents and their parents and their parents.. My brothers Elladan and Elrohir are coming too. I promise they won't throw pies at the tapestries (nor drop beetle larvae in the soup..nor drop worms down people's shirts...) this time. [Note: I know Arwen probably isn't hanging out at the Gondor place right now, but just...go with the flow for me. Denethor and Faramir and just momentarily absent. Er, yeah.]  
  
#3. About the furniture...I was thinking of replacing the entire set from basement to ceiling. Well, actually I thought about it a while ago. The Elven Woodsmen ("We're the furniture for you!") came and replaced everything. The place looks delightful now! Like a strawberry shortcake!  
  
#4. As for your archery field...I replaced it with a fairy garden. :) Isn't it a LOVELY idea? Yes, I thought so too.  
  
#5. I also had the bathrooms remodeled. You men sit on STONE toilets?? Did you ever think about how that would ruin your future wife? So I had everything changed to white marble and pink carpets. But don't worry, you won't have to use pink towels. Because I bought you purple ones! They were so pretty and fluffy and cute...I couldn't resist.  
  
#6. I happened to find your "secret" wardrobe and all I found was a bunch of rags! (Aragorn: RAGS?? They're not rags! Oh god..please tell me you didn't throw them out....) So of course I threw them out. I replaced them with a nice set of D'Louviear expertly-frilled, lace-bordered, velvety poofy outfits. You'd look more kingly that way, I'm sure of it.  
  
#7. The front entrance of the building is HORRIBLE! No wonder Gondor doesn't get any tourists. So I also had that remodeled to make it look much nicer. You don't mind if it looks a bit more pink than usual, do you? Thanks, I love you!  
  
#8. Where the HELL do you men keep feminine products??? I couldn't find ANY, so I ordered some from Elven Always. There wasn't any room for them so I tossed out your old ancestors' armor I found in a closet by the horse painting. (Don't worry, I think the armor was only a couple million years old...they weren't antiques were they? I thought not.) Well, at least no one will see the "discreet shipment" sitting out in the hallway now.  
  
#9. My father says he'll be visiting often. (Aragorn: O_O;;). So I set up an extra suite for him. You don't mind, do you? He said something like staying for a couple hundred years...maybe it was a couple thousand years...I'm not sure. You can never trust the static in cell phones these days.  
  
#10. If you're going to be a proper KING, you need SILVER utensils, not WOODEN ones! So I replaced them all. People around the castle said that you spent years making those wooden utensils, but I don't believe them. Those wooden forks and spoons were too good-looking.  
  
#11. Oh! Guess what? I found the wedding present you were going to give me. You romantic buffoon...you STUPID romantic buffoon...couldn't you tell that they were FAKE diamonds?? And if you knew they were fake, at least take the price tag off! (Aragorn: ;_; But the guy on the street told me they were real...). So of course I threw it down the well and bought myself a better one. You still owe me another wedding present!  
  
#12. I FOUND YOUR SECRET MAGAZINES!!! (Aragorn: O____O Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit....). HOW COULD YOU? YOU KNOW PRECISELY THAT READING ABOUT DANCING DWARVES AND WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK WILL DO NOTHING BUT CORRUPT YOUR MIND! (Aragorn: ...what?? At least she didn't find the OTHER secret magazines...). AND WHY DID YOU SEND THEM HERE UNDER LEGOLAS'S NAME? (Aragorn: *growl* Legolaaassss....).  
  
#13. Sorry, honey, but I have to go now...  
  
#14. Really...  
  
#15. Write back soon!  
  
#16. Okay, I'm going now  
  
#17. See you!  
  
#18. Miss you!  
  
#19. Bye!  
  
#20. Oh crap...daddy's ink bottle's empty..can't write any mo-  
  
A big THUMP! was heard from Aragorn's tent.  
  
"Aragorn?" Legolas put down his shiny brush. "Aaaaaragorn?" He went over to Aragorn's tent and was about to step into the entrance when-  
  
"Oh, GROSS!" Aragorn's "foot spa" water tub tipped and spilled over the dirt, turning it into (ta da!) mud...into which Legolas's perfectly clean boot squelched. "UGH! Aragorn, you're on your own,"  
  
"Is Aragorn okay?" Soldier #1 asked Legolas.  
  
"Yeah...yeah...fine..." Legolas absentmindedly replied, frowning in disgust as he dragged his foot across the grass, trying to wipe the mud off.  
  
"MEDIC!" A soldier who popped into Aragorn's tent to borrow some shoe shine screamed. Soldier #1 stared at that soldier, then at Legolas's back. He shrugged and continued doing what Gandalf told him to do: prying open the EVIL PINK VIDEOTAPE!  
********************************************************  
  
Don't murder me! *ducks* The next chapter will be out much faster now that xmas break is coming! Again, sorry muchlies!!! 


	29. Tis a lovely Christmas Eve!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Wow...more reviews...so touched... *sniffle*  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
No warning. Just pure holiday fun!  
  
Note: I didn't review and feature a fanfic here because I don't have much time to read new ones lately. ^^; But I will next time.  
  
Thank you to my loyal reviewers who read my stuff even if it's updated so late! I love you guys!!!!  
  
********************************************************  
  
NOTE: Tis a fun chapter...with all the characters!! (at least I think so...)  
  
********************************************************  
  
[A MERRY ARRY CHRISTMAS!]  
  
SPLAT! Aragorn, groggily waking up (vaguely thinking of morning coffee), saw the walls of his cloth tent go in...then out...then in...then out...He peered out the tent flap.  
  
"GAH! It's freezing cold!" He huddled back under his blankets.  
  
"Aragorn, you git! Wake up! It's Christmas Eve!" a very familiar Elvish voice rang out.  
  
"That doesn't mean it's Christmas..." Aragorn mumbled. "Now Christmas morning is an entirely different story..." Legolas, with a flushed face (which he claims later has completely ruined his "beautiful skin complexure", then stomped around when Aragorn told him that complexure wasn't a real word), grinned, sticking his head in the tent flap.  
  
"You're missing a great deal of fun!"  
  
"You do know that snow's in your 'beautiful' hair..."  
  
"I can make an exception on-"  
  
"Oh my god! Legolas can make an EXCEPTION concerning his most important virtue, BEAUTY! The world must be ending!" Aragorn sat up and made a face, his voice filled with sarcasm (if you hadn't noticed already...). Legolas crossed his arms and scowled.  
  
"I can make an exception on Christmas Eve. Besides, it gives me an excuse to use up my hair care products so I can properly use new ones tomorrow,"  
  
"How do you suppose our presents are arriving?"  
  
"DUH. Santa and his sleigh of reindeers!"  
  
"Get real, Legolas. Now, how do you suppose they're coming? I don't think Arwen would waste her precious prissy attendants and horses just to send me my presents...I mean, just because I took the liberty of emptying half my pocket on an eagle to send her HER presents..." Aragorn rambled. Legolas waved his hands impatiently.  
  
"Whatever, Aragorn. Santa IS real. End of discussion. Are you going to join my snowball team or what?"  
  
"What snowball team?" Aragorn said with a blank look on his face. Legolas rolled his eyes.  
  
"My team for the SNOWBALL FIGHTS,"  
  
"How immature,"  
  
"I-Immature?!" Legolas sputtered. "The entire army is playing it out on the field!" Aragorn paused.  
  
"They're immature, too," Legolas snorted at this.  
  
"You're such a spoilsport! It's a rough, dignified winter sport!"  
  
"Sport?"  
  
"Ok, so maybe it isn't a SPORT, but it's still-"  
  
"Dumb? Stupid? Childish? And will you stop contradicting yourself?"  
  
"I am not contradicting myself!"  
  
"Do you even know what 'contradicting' means, Legolas?"  
  
"Well, I-I-"  
  
"Nope, didn't think so. And I'm NOT joining your snowball team. God knows what people will think of me if I did. On the same team as YOU. I wonder how badly we'd lose,"  
  
"Ugh! Fine! BE that way! I hope you're miserable!" Legolas stormed off, flinging his scarf over his shoulder.  
  
"Well, that was interesting. The tent's now rid of icky 'pretty boy' germs. Yay. Now the bliss of sleep..." Aragorn started snoring again to the sounds of...  
  
"HA! Nya nya! I can walk on snow and you can't! Hahahaha- OW!"  
  
  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
(To the Sam-and-Frodo-are-the-bestest-best-and-sweetest-friends-and-will- never-ever-get-mad-at-each-other fans...sorry for changing they're relationship. I've decided to make it more...well, realistic.)  
  
"ANOTHER piggy back ride, Fro? I JUST got finished carrying you!" Sam growled, trudging along the way to Mordor....with Frodo.  
  
"Hey! Who's saving the world here?"  
  
"WE are. Who rowed the boat? Me. Who carried you 99/100 feet we walked? Me. And what have YOU done for ME?"  
  
"Hey, I'm dealing enough with this ring of evil here. It's HEAVY. What more do you expect out of me?"  
  
"At least some HUMAN virtues, like GRATITUDE and PATIENCE and TOLERANCE, for instance?"  
  
"But we're NOT human, Sam,"  
  
"That's besides the point,"  
  
"What point?"  
  
"The point that you're carrying nothing but a RING and I'm carrying the cooking utensils, the rope, the food, the water bottles, the blankets, the cloaks...need I list more?"  
  
"We brought rope?"  
  
"No...I brought rope,"  
  
"Whatever. Hey, it's Christmas Eve! What do you wanna do?" Frodo grinned.  
  
(Note: I'm not exactly sure if it's Christmas Eve already when they're heading towards Mordor...cuz Boromir died in the middle of December, so I'm pretty sure they are...correct me if I'm wrong though!)  
  
"Maybe GET THE RING TO MOUNT DOOM?"  
  
"Oh, right. No, I meant, like, can we have a feast, like pie or fruitcake?"  
  
"Who do you think I am...Gandalf?"  
  
"Well, you ARE the cook and you SAID you brought food!"  
  
"WE ONLY HAVE LEMBAS, FRUIT, MEAT, AND WATER!"  
  
(The fruit and meat being given by Faramir, brother of Boromir, and his men. I skipped the Faramir part but I think maybe I'll include a flashback later in the story towards Ithilien. Such a purty place.)  
  
"Oh...So what did I get for Christmas?" Frodo resumed pointless conversation, switching subjects more abruptly than I've ever seen anyone do.  
  
"Christmas?" Sam vaguely remembered the word, due to malnutrition.  
  
"You DID get me a present, right?"  
  
"Um...no,"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"And I suppose YOU got me one?"  
  
"...well, no..."  
  
"Then let's drop the subject,"  
  
"...So what do you think of Rosie?" A loud frustrated scream resonated all over Mordor (narrowly missing grabbing the attention of the Eye...well, the Eye HASN'T got any ears...).  
  
  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
(At the ruined Isengard...)  
  
"So we're sitting here to wait for Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli?" Pippin asked Merry.  
  
"YES, for the gazillionth time..." Merry laid down on a grassy slope and began smoking.  
  
"I'm just trying to pass the time..."  
  
"Go...play with the butterflies!"  
  
"Already did that,"  
  
"Then go....find some food!"  
  
"Already did that," Pippin pointed at the 5 enormous tubs of cheese, meats, and fruits behind them. Merry scowled. "Ooo! I know! Let's play Truth or Dare!"  
  
"If we play it, will you stop asking me ridiculous questions?"  
  
"Mmm...ok!"  
  
"Fine,"  
  
"Ooo! I'll go first!"  
  
"You do that,"  
  
"Truth or DARE?" It was plainly obvious Pippin had a good (or lame) dare thought up.  
  
"Truth,"  
  
"You're supposed to pick dare!"  
  
"TRUTH!"  
  
"Alrite, alrite...umm...do you like mushrooms?" Pippin asked. Merry gave him a strong look of a person who couldn't stand stupid people. Pippin noticed this, amazingly, and sighed. "Umm...do you like Diamond?" Merry frowned.  
  
"That ditzy girl that lives down the street from you?"  
  
"Yeah!...and she's not ditzy!"  
  
"Of course I don't like her!"  
  
"Good! Cuz I do!" Pippin grinned widely. Merry just rolled his eyes.  
  
"Truth or dare?" he asked in a monotonous tone.  
  
"Ooo...dare!"  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"You're asking for it...."  
  
"I know!"  
  
"Alrite. I dare you to go in that nearby wood over there and find a dolphin. And you can't come back without one,"  
  
"Ok!" (Poor, dense Pippin...)  
  
"Good! Now go!" Merry pushed Pippin towards the wood and Pippin skipped off singing "I'm going to find me a dolphin! What color shall it be? Pink or purple or gray or yellow? I wonder what color it'll be!" Merry gave an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Well, at least I get some quiet for a few hours..."  
  
25 minutes later...  
  
"Merry!"  
  
"Oh boy..."  
  
"Look! Merry Christmas!" Pippin came running over the hill with...a dolphin. Merry gagged on his tobacco and promptly fainted, whether it was the choking or the sight of Pippin with a dolphin, we shall never know...  
  
  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
"OH! SO NO ONE CARES ABOUT GIMLI! I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!" Gimli roared inside his tent, drinking his 6th mug of beer.  
  
"Now, now, you know...the best for last," the mysterious disembodied voice (MDV) said soothingly.  
  
"Yeah, RIGHT. THAT'S why I'm hardly mentioned. THAT'S why I got the best actor award last time! THAT'S why-"  
  
"I THINK that's enough beer for today, Gimli..."  
  
"It's Christmas Eve!" Gimli clutched his mug protectively.  
  
"Why don't you drink some nice MILK?"  
  
"Eggnog?"  
  
"No...MILK,"  
  
"Do I get paid for it?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Then no,"  
  
"Do you want me to take all your beer and feed it someone else? Say...Air-rod?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Then drink your milk!"  
  
"If I drink my milk, can I get mentioned more?"  
  
".."  
  
"WELL?"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
"Whoohoo!" Gimli glugged down his milk, while the MDV snuck away his beer and returned to the clouds.  
  
The MDV waved at the guests at her Christmas Eve party.  
  
"Hey guys! Look what I got!"  
  
  
  
********************************************************  
  
^______^ I hope you enjoyed this one! I know I did. I know I excluded Arwen (but we've had enough of her, haven't we?) and Gandalf and some other people, but this is mainly focused on the fellowship.  
  
This was a tad longer for holiday entertainment.  
  
Will write more soon!  
  
Have a merry Christmas!  
  
~randomwriter96 


	30. Presents and Drunkeness galore!

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Wow...more reviews...so touched... *sniffle* GaH! Almost 300! *cries* I can't believe it...  
  
I promised to give a warning. Here it is. And you had better read it cuz I reeaaaally don't want to be blamed for giving out TTT spoilers. Unless, of course, you already read the book. Well, then, if you have, keep going and skip the warning!  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!  
  
Ok. Now you know that this is a warning. TTT SPOILER WARNING!!!!!  
  
For those who are deprived, spoilers mean HINTS. BIGGER THAN HINTS. Spoilers tell you everything you want to know except that you DIDN'T want to know at that exact moment.  
  
Did that confuse you?  
  
No warning. Just MORE pure holiday fun! (I'm sorry! I didn't include Frodo and Sam in this one...because the next chapter will be all them! ^_^)  
  
********************************************************  
  
NOTE:  
  
To Danielle: (although I'm not sure if you're up to this chapter yet. ^^;) What made me write this story was that I was reading fanfics here and there seemed to be nothing but either romance or adventure. I thought I might tweak everything a bit and put in a very different story. Don't get me wrong, I love Tolkien and his work. ^_^ I just thought LOTR might need a bit of fun and insaneness. Thank you for reviewing!  
  
And thank you MUCHLY to every one of my other reviewers! You're what makes this story alive! Love you all! (In a friendly way, of course. ^^).  
  
********************************************************  
  
[Whee! Presents!!!]  
  
"Wake up, Aragorn...I'm right here, babe...I'm in a slinky red dress and..." A VERY female voice announced in Aragorn's tent.  
  
"Ooooo! Where?!" Aragorn shot out of bed, then glared at his alarm clock ("...I want you to come right now..."). "That never fails to work..." Aragorn sighed.  
  
"Oooh! Goody! You're awake Aragorn! C'mon! The presents arrived! Santa DOES know where we are! And after that, we can play Monopoly!" Legolas dragged Aragorn out of his tent.  
  
"Or get drunk on eggnog...GAH!! Legolas! I'm only wearing boxers!" A blast of cold air hit Aragorn.  
  
"Oops. Ah, c'mon. It's not that cold anyway," Legolas grinned. He loved showing off the Elven ability of not being able to feel much cold or heat. Aragorn merely glared, then scampered off back to his tent.  
  
"Fine! I'll just open my presents myself!"  
  
"You go do that," Aragorn muttered. Legolas flounced off to the mail tent, skipping on 10-inch deep snow, while the rest of the soldiers plowed their way through, glaring at the poncy Elf. It ended up that ¾ of the presents in the mail tent belonged to Legolas (mainly due to a few hundred faithful rabid fangirls). Aragorn, having finally gotten dressed, gaped at Legolas, who was opening presents at a speed of 50 m/s. He rolled his eyes and looked for his pile.  
  
"One from grandma...she's still alive?...One from Mum..One from Legolas....One from Gimli...Merry...Pippin...Rabid Fangirl #12..Rabid Fangirl #32...bless them...so long it's not floral shampoo again..." Aragorn tore open his presents.  
  
"Hey, Arry! Whadja get?" Legolas was glowing (due to some Natural Shine cream Rabid Fangirl #634 sent him).  
  
"Don't call me Arry! It's bad enough Arwen does it...Umm...I got a yellow and turquoise sweater from grandma..echhh..shampoo from Mum..shampoo from you..shampoo from Gimli..shampoo from Merry..Oh! Look! Something different! Bless you, Pippin..no, wait...it's shampoo...never MIND..shampoo from Rabid Fangirl #12..why must this happen EVERY CHRISTMAS???"  
  
"Because you need to WASH YOUR HAIR! How many times have I told you?" Legolas rolled his eyes while unwrapping another I LOVE LEGOLAS picture frame. He rather enjoyed getting those.  
  
"I'm a RANGER! I'm SUPPOSED to have dirty hair!!"  
  
"You can have dirty hair ANYTIME, except at LEAST wash it once a day!"  
  
"ONCE A DAY?? ARE YOU CRAZY??"  
  
"Well, that's what some Rohan guy told me this morning when I was brushing my teeth with an Oral Spinbrush father sent me...he always knows what I want.."  
  
"An Oral what??"  
  
"An Oral Spinbrush!"  
  
"An Oral WHAT??"  
  
"Arggh! Lemme show you...It's the latest toothbrush on the market..." Legolas dug through his pockets and revealed his toothbrush, tossing it over to Aragorn. "Push the blue round thing!" Aragorn flipped and rotated the Spinbrush, frowning as he did not understand what a toothbrush really was (he hardly uses them, after all...).  
  
"Ok.." Aragorn pushed the blue round thing. WRRRRRR!!!! The brush on the toothbrush began spinning. "AGGHHHH!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!! SAVE ME!!! IT'S GONNA ATTACK ME!!!" The Rohan soldiers' eyes widened and backed up against the mail tent walls, giving a wide berth to Aragorn and his attacking toothbrush.  
  
"Aragorn?" Legolas heard a faint commotion outside his fort of presents. He stood up, knocking a couple boxes out of the way to see. "AHHH! ARAGORN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" He leapt over his presents and snatched up his madly rotating toothbrush. Aragorn was hyperventilating, close to the point of fainting.  
  
"Legolas!! It was ATTACKING me!!!"  
  
"No, it wasn't...it was SPINNING,"  
  
"ATTACKING!"  
  
"SPINNING!"  
  
"ATTACKING!"  
  
"SPINNING!" This debate went on for some time until they started throwing I LOVE LEGOLAS picture frames and yellow and turquoise sweaters at each other. The Rohan soldiers blinked and slowly inched their way out of the mail tent, being careful to snitch a couple of their own gifts and dodge deadly flying Christmas presents. Soon afterwards the mail tent was devoid of everything and everyone except an angry Aragorn, a furious Legolas, and ruined Christmas presents.  
  
"Well, at least I saved my sister's present," Rohan soldier #18 sat down and unwrapped it. An unearthly scream soon erupted from Rohan soldier #18's tent.  
  
It was an I LOVE LEGOLAS picture frame.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Whee! Merry! Lookee! I have PRESENTS!" Pippin exclaimed for joy when an eagle bearing a "Long Distance Postal Eagle Service..TIP ME! I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH!" banner swooped down and dropped off about 12 presents.  
  
"Hey! Some of them are MY presents too!" Merry scampered towards the pile. The eagle eyed the hobbits dangerously. Merry noticed this and poked Pippin.  
  
"Eh?" Pippin was searching through the pile of presents.  
  
"The eagle is...well, mad-looking..."  
  
"Ok,"  
  
"I think he wants us to..do something.."  
  
"Really?" Pippin muttered absentmindedly. The eagle turned so the banner was facing them.  
  
"Ohh! Pippin, do you have money?"  
  
"Oooo! Look, I got a 100 shire coins from Grandma!"  
  
"That's good, Pippin. Brilliant!" Merry grabbed a fistful of the coins and dumped them in the eagle's pouch. The eagle fluffed his feathers happily and took off.  
  
"What did you do that for?!" Pippin looked sadly at the few remaining shire coins.  
  
"If you hadn't noticed, the eagle was going to EAT us if we didn't tip him for sending our presents!"  
  
"Ooohhh...I didn't notice,"  
  
"Doy..." Merry hit his own forehead.  
  
"Well, Merry, whadja get?"  
  
"Hey look! It's a gift from Gimli...I wonder what it is..."  
  
"Open it! Open it!"  
  
"What do you THINK I'm doing?" Merry dug his nails under the gift wrap.  
  
"Opening it!"  
  
"Good job..."  
  
"AHHHH! It's BEER, Merry! We've gone SO long without beer, bless him...how'd he ever give up so much to us though?..." (A faint snicker came from the clouds...).  
  
"Ooooo, BEER!" Stars appeared in Merry's eyes as he dove onto the first can (there ARE cans of beer in Middle Earth, against popular belief...).  
  
A very happy half an hour later...  
  
"Ahh! All da beer gone! Gone, gone, gone! Want more, Merry, want more..." Pippin, looking very cross-eyed, swayed to and fro.  
  
"Eh? I see YOU! Hahahahahaha! Whee! I see TWO OF YOU! Heeheeheehee..." Merry pointed at Pippin. Pippin looked down at himself.  
  
"I see two of me too! HAHAHAHAHAA!"  
  
"SHRUB! LOVELY SHRUB! I LOVE YOU!" Merry stumbled against a berry shrub, stared dazedly at it, and proceeded to hug it.  
  
"No! It's MY SHRUB!" Pippin hugged it too.  
  
"Is NOT!"  
  
"Is TOO!"  
  
"Is NOT!"  
  
"Is TOO!"  
  
"Is NOT!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!! I DON'T BELONG TO EITHER OF YOU!" the shrub yelled in frustration. Pippin and Merry widened their eyes and backed away crookedly from the talking shrub.  
  
"The shrub can TALK!" Pippin whispered to Merry.  
  
"I know!" Both of them paused for a minute at the dangerously swaying shrub. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Both of them ran far far away (1/2 a mile being very far to them).  
  
"Ooo, presents! Look! One more can of beer..." the pursuing shrub encountered the pile of presents Pippin and Merry left behind.  
  
A very happy half an hour later...  
  
"LALALALALALAAA! I AM A LOV-E-LY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!" belched from a suspicious-looking shrub...  
  
+++++++++++++++++++  
  
"I'M LAST AGAIN! I STILL HARDLY GOT MENTIONED!" Gimli roared.  
  
"Hey, those people loved your presents," the Mysterious Disembodied Voice (MDV) smirked.  
  
"You SAID I'd get A LOT MORE mentioned if I drank that stupid milk! And I was NOT intending on giving those hobbits MY beer!" Gimli growled, fingering his ax.  
  
"Oh, but that wasn't milk, my dear Gimli," the MDV filed her nails calmly. Gimli blanched.  
  
"W-what was it?"  
  
"It was..dundundun!...Substitute organic liquefied soy beans!" the MDV grinned. "You needed to lose weight anyhow. Air-rod is still being hospitalized for going under too much pressure,"  
  
"But! But! GAHHH!" Gimli proceeded to gag.  
  
"Well, that'll keep him busy for awhile," the MDV shrugged her shoulders and went to set up her plate of hord'eurve. Hopefully, something would go right today.  
  
  
  
********************************************************  
  
Will write more soon!  
  
Have a Pippin Christmas!  
  
Merry: HEY! What about me?  
  
Oh, yeah. ^^; Have a Merry Christmas, too!  
  
~randomwriter96 


	31. Lost, yet not lost

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Mwah! I love you guys! :D  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
Frrrrodo and Sam!  
  
********************************************************  
  
[Off through the rocky place, known as Emyn Muil, towards Mordor...]  
  
"Sam, the mountain is not getting any closer! I'm telling you, we're LOST..." Frodo whined, letting his shoulders sag.  
  
"We are NOT lost...we're just...well, we're not LOST," Sam retaliated.  
  
"Where are we again? A Mule? Something like that? Why the heck did we choose to cross over this pile of rocks anyway? We could've gone AROUND...like I suggested in the beginning, if only SOMEONE was listening..." Frodo ranted.  
  
"E-M-Y-N...M-U-I-L..get it right," Sam readjusted his pack and trudged forth towards...more rocks.  
  
"I'm scared. Do we have to sleep here? I've heard that the rocks come ALIVE during the night..." Frodo shuddered.  
  
"Now where'd you hear that from? Whoever he was, he was on weed," Sam sighed and shook his head.  
  
"You,"  
  
"...Oh...was I-?"  
  
"Drunk, yes. Silly, yes. Stupid, yes. But somehow you talked as if you were never drunk. You told me all about the birds and the bees, although I am not sure you were ENTIRELY correct as you mentioned a tea-kettle and an oven glove. But I'm sure that part was due to your drunkenness. And then you told me that rocks could move in the night and squish hobbits to death. Yeah, I remember sleeping with the candles on, but somehow later in the night, half the bedroom was on fire...how did that happen?..." Frodo rambled on. Sam twitched.  
  
"Frodo? Let's just keep walking. In silence. Complete, utter silence. Capisce?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Never mind..."  
  
  
  
An hour and a half of complete, utter silence later...  
  
  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"SILENCE. Do you not understand the word SILENCE?"  
  
"I need to ask you something,"  
  
"What is it?" Sam sighed.  
  
"When you were drunk and talking to me, what did pogo sticks and wallpaper have to do with the birds and the bees?"  
  
"NOTHING. I was drunk. Whenever I'm drunk, never listen to me. And if you don't shut up, I will be drunk not so long from now,"  
  
"Wait. Wait. I think I get it. Pogo sticks can't be burned in the fireplace, but wallpaper CAN! Aha! Thank you, Sammy," Frodo grinned.  
  
"One, I don't think you even know what the birds and the bees MEAN. Two, never ever call me Sammy ever again,"  
  
"But you explained it-"  
  
"Drunk, Frodo. I was DRUNK! People who are drunk say irrational, stupid, regrettable things,"  
  
"Bilbo never did,"  
  
"THAT is because after drinking too much, he would pass out. Now, when people are unconscious Frodo, they tend not to talk,"  
  
"Ohhhhh..."  
  
"Yes, 'Ohhhhh...'. Now can we move on? In complete, utter silence?"  
  
"Yeppy,"  
  
"Never say yeppy again either," Sam said forcefully. Frodo did not reply. "Frodo? Do you understand me?" Frodo nodded, but then gestured his hands in completely random, violent directions. "What are you doing, Frodo?" More random, violent gestures. "Talk, damn you!"  
  
"That's what I was saying! You said to move on in complete, utter silence! And you TALKED! You just violated your own rules, mister!"  
  
"So bite me...OW!!" Sam leapt back as Frodo bit his shoulder.  
  
"You said for me to bite you," Frodo reinstated his look of angelic innocence.  
  
"I didn't mean it literally!"  
  
"Then how did you mean it?"  
  
"I meant it...never mind! We are moving ON,"  
  
"Okay,"  
  
"Good...what's that?" Sam squinted his eyes and shifted closer to a small brown something laying in their path.  
  
"AHHHH! IT'S A RABID SQUIRREL!!" Frodo freaked out and dove behind the nearest boulder. "It's NOT a rabid squirrel, Frodo..." Sam said as he bravely walked closer, then proceeded to bravely pick the thing up. "It's a beer can..."  
  
"We're walking in circles! We've been here before!" Frodo groaned.  
  
"So I've realized, genius," Sam frustratingly threw the beer can into a large rock.  
  
"Sam, don't do that!!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The rock might come and get you!" Frodo lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper.  
  
"Wait-"  
  
"We can't wait, we must RUN!" Frodo proceeded to run, then was pulled back from the collar by Sam.  
  
"I was going to say 'Wait, what's that smell?', but you know, you're idea just seems SO much better..."  
  
"I know! Hurry! We have to find a hiding place, a secret-"  
  
"You dork! I was being sarcastic!"  
  
"You were being wha-?...Ohhh! Sarcasm....I nearly forgot. Well, good one, Sam!" Frodo smiled jovially and patted him on the back. Sam let out a very loud, exasperating sigh. He then shook his head, paused in mid-shake, then sniffed the air.  
  
"Seriously, what is that smell?"  
  
"It stinks. Eww...how long has it been since you showered, Sam?"  
  
"Just as long as YOU haven't showered,"  
  
"Oh, I've showered, all right,"  
  
"Where? We're in the middle of a rocky desert," Sam, again, had to point out the obvious.  
  
"Using the water we had, of course," Frodo is going to die by the hands of a very angry, fat hobbit soon.  
  
"WHAT?? We're going to die of thirst!! You've wasted our drinking water!!" Sam clenched his hands into fists.  
  
"No I haven't. Every time I take a shower, I save some of the water I used and put it back in. I mainly used your water, you know, cause you keep saying 'You stupid, dirty thing!' to my water bottle, I believe, although sometimes I think you accidentally point to ME..." Again, Sam twitched.  
  
"So all this time, I've been drinking USED shower water...and what's more, YOUR used shower water??"  
  
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Frodo nodded. 2 seconds later, a poor Frodo was being throttled and strangled for about 10 minutes straight.  
  
"From now on, I will have YOUR water bottle and you will have MINE," Sam grabbed Frodo's water bottle and threw down his own, using some of Frodo's clean water to gargle...for an extremely long time.  
  
"So if the smell isn't coming from YOU, and I know it's not coming from me...where's it coming from?" A bewildered Frodo looked around him. He then gasped loudly. "It's the rocks! Maybe it's poison gas! They're trying to kill us!!!"  
  
"Rocks. Are. Not. Alive!!" Sam emphasized greatly.  
  
"Yes they are!!" Frodo whimpered, trying to look for the largest space near them that was clear of rocks.  
  
"I give up on you...again," Sam rolled his eyes, then turned around to walk towards the mountain again, when THUD! Sam quickly got up to his feet and drew his knife, looking wildly about for what (or who) knocked him down. A snarling, hissing creature let out a shrill screech before lunging to attack him again.  
  
Gollum.  
  
Frodo crouched behind a rock, tightly shutting his eyes, willing himself to look like a rock so the "rock" that was attacking Sam would not attack him. Frodo frowned at the thudding noises and meekly spoke out,  
  
"Sam? Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm so perfectly fine, Frodo! I'm being attacked by Gollum and getting a hell of a lot of bites and scratches and this blasted knife is too heavy! Oh yes, this is my idea of a dream vacation!"  
  
"Oh it's Gollum? Ohh...no wonder you haven't died yet...Is it really your dream vacation?"  
  
"NO!!! Come HELP ME!!" Sam swung his knife again and Gollum easily evaded it, aiming for Sam's throat to throttle.  
  
"O.kay.." Frodo reluctantly crept out of his hiding place and rather weakly drew out Sting. "Erm...ahem.."  
  
"Hurry!!!" Sam yelled.  
  
"Hang on, I'm just getting the gist of this!"  
  
"There's no TIME for you to 'get the gist of this'!!" Sam was being quickly pinned down.  
  
"Alrite, alrite! Ahem. Gollum, release him at ONCE! And if you don't, I'll CUT YOUR THROAT into tiny pieces that the Elves would LOVE to feed to the birds, if they'll even eat them!"  
  
Gollum, being surprised and cringing at the word 'Elves', hesitated for a moment, giving Sam a chance to knock him backwards. Sam held the knife at his throat while Frodo was aiming Sting towards him as well.  
  
"Good job, Frodo," Sam said.  
  
"Really? I feel good about me right now, actually." Frodo giggled. "I've always wanted to say something like that to you, but you'd kill me, so...yeah!"  
  
Sam rolled his eyes again and tied Gollum up.  
  
"Do we leave him here?" Frodo looked at Sam.  
  
"Do you want to?" Sam looked at Gollum in disgust as he writhed and shrieked, being burned by the ropes.  
  
"Well, I don't know...his loincloth could use some mending and lengthening..I brought a needle and thread with me. I knew something like this would happen...everyone laughed when I said I learned how to sew and knit, but what if they saw me NOW, eh? What if THEY had loincloths that needed mending? Then they'd be begging me to sew, ha! It all started with my grandma..."  
  
As Frodo went on and on about needles, thread, and vaguely about a speckled chipmunk, Sam could only stare.  
  
And roll his eyes.  
  
Again.  
  
  
  
********************************************************  
  
My sincerest apologies for not updating!!! ;_; As a token of my appreciation for you guys still reviewing this, I made this a tad longer...not much, but still something. -_-(___)  
  
*twitches*  
  
I will try my very very best to get the next chapter out asap. 


	32. Ah, the glory of fan mail!

wwwANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
********************************************************  
  
[Still haven't reached Isengard yet....but they'll get there. Eventually.]  
  
"Oww...ow..should've gotten a saddle..oww.." Legolas winced as Air-rod began trotting, whether because the horse just wanted to or to annoy Legolas, we'll never know.  
  
"Eh? Did you say something about getting a saddle?" Aragorn looked amusedly over in Legolas's direction, patting Bob's neck. Bob turned his head towards Aragorn and glared with a never-pat-me-again look in his eyes. Unfortunately, Aragorn did not notice this.  
  
"No, what makes you think that?" Legolas said, his voice just a tad higher than normal. Just a tad...  
  
"Because you said you should've gotten a saddle?" Aragorn inclined his head towards Air-rod.  
  
"Hallucinations, Aragorn. You should really try those new drug treatments on the market...they may have some really bad side-effects, but don't listen to those-"  
  
"Shut up, Legolas,"  
  
"Shutting," Legolas sighed. Air-rod decided to be evil today and started galloping. Fast. Really really fast. "ARGGGHHH! Owowowowowowoww.."  
  
Aragorn laughed out loud and resumed patting Bob. Let's just say Bob was not very happy about this.  
  
Half an hour later..  
  
"Haha. Serves you right," Legolas, who was sitting on a jumbo pack of ice (from who-knows-where), pointed at Aragorn's nearly-severed leg. Aragorn stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry.  
  
"Pbbbbbt. At least MY genitals are intact," Aragorn taunted. Legolas scowled.  
  
"Well...I'm an Elf,"  
  
"..so I've noticed,"  
  
"That means I can heal faster than you can. So ha! AND you have no horse to ride. Bob refuses to carry you otherwise he'll sever your other leg,"  
  
"And you know this..how?"  
  
"We Elves understand animals muchly,"  
  
"Righhhht..that's why Air-rod decided to sporadically gallop,"  
  
"...Er, yeah," Legolas scratched his pretty head. Aragorn rolled his eyes. Eomer popped in suddenly, causing Legolas to jump up and re-injure his..yeah.  
  
"Yo, incoming mail!" Then, whoosh!, he disappeared as quickly as he appeared. Legolas frowned.  
  
"What is this 'yo' word? Is it a new noun or verb you Men conjured up again?"  
  
"Hello! Keep up with the modern times, why don't ya?" Aragorn waved his hands in the air.  
  
"I am guessing it is a shorter form of 'Hey' or something similar to that?"  
  
"Yeah, that's about right," Aragorn lowered his hands in a defeated position.  
  
"And I'M not keeping up with the modern times? You're the one that hardly knew what a toothbrush was! AND I got the most recent, brand-new, highly- recommended, expensive HB500 hairbrush," Legolas grinned.  
  
"And I got the HB600 brush!" Aragorn said in mock-excitement..which, of course, Legolas did not get.  
  
"OH MY ELBERETH, you DID?? Let me see it!!"  
  
"No way in hell...because it isn't real! I was being sarcastic, Legolas..."  
  
"..I knew that,"  
  
"YO, I SAID INCOMING MAIL. Legolas, if you don't get your crappy fan mail out of the way, I'm going to BURN them.." Eomer popped in again. Legolas smugly limped (well, as smugly as one can be while limping) out to see four eagles (wearing the "Long Distance Postal Eagle Service..TIP ME! I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH!" banners) swooping close to the group, lugging heavy postal bags and dropping them onto random people's heads. Eomer shoved some Rohirric coins into their pouches and dug eagerly through the bags, apparently expecting something. The eagles snitched a couple of what they called "funny-looking, shiny, tassel-y Rohan helmets", fluffed their feathers importantly, and took off. No Rohan soldier dared to object the taking of the helmets. The eagles happened to have sharp claws and beaks. Plus they had luckily brought their extra armor supplies..so long as the eagles didn't find about those.  
  
"Ooo! Lookee, Aragorn! I got mail!" Legolas pointed upwards, then realized the full meaning of what he said when, far too late, a waterfall (you know, kinda like Niagra Falls..) of fan mail fell on top of him. Not a blond strand was seen. Aragorn hopefully looked upwards for a few seconds. His hopes crushed once again, he scowled and went to go save his best friend (possibly his ONLY friend...).  
  
"Hey Legolas! Leeeeegolaaaas! LEGOLAS!" Aragorn shouted. No respond. He immediately dove into the mountain of letters, only to come in contact (and very hurtful contact at that) with a familiar blond noggin.  
  
"Ow! You dork! I'm perfectly fine. And I checked pretty thoroughly. No fan mail for you in here," Legolas grabbed another letter, sweeping a couple pink and purple ones out of his eyes.  
  
"Urrrrg!" Aragorn fought his way back out and was brushing the letters off his clothes when he spotted an acid green envelope. "That's strange. In all my days I've known Legolas, I didn't know girls would even consider send him acid green letters..." He glanced at the front of the envelope. He couldn't believe it.  
  
It read: TO ARAGORN!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!  
  
Aragorn danced with joy and cartwheeled around the tents (ok...not really considering he has an injured leg. But you get the idea), screaming, "I got mail! I got FAN mail!"  
  
The Rohan soldiers were writing furiously in their diaries (er, I mean, journals) and crying tears of joy. They would never forget the day they witnessed a miracle. Finally, Aragorn calmed down enough to actually open it.  
  
It said:  
  
Dear Aragorn,  
  
I LOVE YOU!!! OMG! You're SOOOO hot and sexshay! I don't care what my friends say! You ARE hotter than Legolas! I want your children! MARRY ME!!!!  
  
Love, YOUR #1 FAN!!  
  
P.S. Arwen had BETTER watch her back! I'm gonna KILL her! That @#%&*#...  
  
After blinking numerous times, Aragorn suddenly didn't feel so elated anymore. Instead, he felt...disturbed....and oddly violated.  
  
"Well, at least it's fan mail," Aragorn sighed.  
  
"So, I've just heard the breaking news! You got fan mail! Good for you. Now that's only the first step-" Legolas ran up to him.  
  
"Breaking news? I got this thing like 2 hours ago," Aragorn said.  
  
"I had to finish my OWN fan mail first. Can't ignore the pleas of love.." Legolas sighed.  
  
"Oh, shut it," Aragorn scowled.  
  
"So...what'd the letter say?"  
  
"Read it for yourself,"  
  
"You're actually letting me TOUCH this?" Legolas gasped in mock surprise.  
  
"Go ahead and read your heart out. I don't really like it,"  
  
"My god, this must be one HELL of an awful fan letter to get you down like that. Lemme read it, hang on..."  
  
"I'll be at my tent," Aragorn said morosely, walking away.  
  
2 minutes later...  
  
"Legolas, what are you doing here so early?" Aragorn had just begun to take off his shoes inside his tent.  
  
"I'm a fast reader. What are you so disappointed about? That's what most of MY fan letters look like. You're acting like it's the end of the world or something. You mustn't be used to these I guess..And I can tell. It's the color, isn't it? It's GHASTLY...Envelopes like these shouldn't be allowed, it's so disgraceful..." Legolas rambled on.  
  
"I don't think I want fan mail anymore..." Aragorn spoke blandly, as if in a great bout of depression.  
  
"My Valar! Are you sick? You must be..In fact, you look downright pale. Let me get something..." Legolas sped off towards his own tent and rifled through his bag. "Aha!" He grabbed it and headed back towards Aragorn's tent.  
  
"Aragorn! I got it! The perfect cure!" Legolas burst in.  
  
"What?" Aragorn said sullenly.  
  
"Thiiiis!" Legolas dramatically whipped out...antidepressants!!! (*cheers muchly* Wow, this is actually starting to pertain to the title...)  
  
"Antidepressants?"  
  
"That's what these are? I thought they were sugar pills..."  
  
"Close enough,"  
  
"How'd they get in there?.."  
  
"It wasn't me,"  
  
"I swear I-"  
  
"Just give it to me,"  
  
"Whatever you say,"  
One happy hour later...  
  
"AHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!" Aragorn doubled up on the floor laughing hysterically while Legolas looked on painfully.  
  
"Aragorn, I only said I was planning a trip to the Sea..."  
  
"THE SEA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That's SOOOO funny!"  
  
"Aragorn, I think you've had enough of those pills-"  
  
"PILLS!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!"  
  
"I give up," Legolas exited Aragorn's tent and tiredly reached for his earplugs once he reached his own tent. Elves have very sensitive hearing and no elf certainly wants to sleep to the sounds of a distant "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Shampoo!!! That's soooooo funny!".  
  
********************************************************  
  
Still apologizing.. ;_; 


	33. The Beauty of Lent

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: ..*sigh* I don't own LOTR..yet.  
  
Btw~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
********************************************************  
  
[Merry and Pippin waiting at Isengard after the Ents made it go crash&boom]  
  
"I hate hangovers..." Pippin clutched his head and pouted.  
  
"And you think I don't?" Merry winced as he attempted to sit up.  
  
"I never said that,"  
  
"It was a rhetorical question, Pip,"  
  
"Oh..what's rhetorical?"  
  
"You're not supposed to answer a rhetorical question," Merry sighed, putting his head in between his knees. Hangovers are most definitely not the best things to wake up to.  
  
"Then why is it a question? All questions have answers," Pippin tilted his head.  
  
"No....like, what is the meaning of life? There isn't an answer to that,"  
  
"Cupcakes! And mushrooms,"  
  
"We don't have any food, Pippin,"  
  
"No, I mean that's the meaning of life," Pippin nodded.  
  
"...am I supposed to believe that?"  
  
"Da!" Pippin nodded again, then paused with a confused expression on his face. "...what's da?"  
  
"Yes in Russian," the Mysterious Disembodied Voice (MDV) proclaimed, filing her nails.  
  
"What's Russian?" Merry frowned, looking up.  
  
"A pretty language,"  
  
"How come we don't know it?" Pippin said.  
  
"Do you know Elvish?" the MDV said.  
  
"We know it EXISTS," Merry replied.  
  
"My point exactly,"  
  
"...I don't get it," Merry blinked.  
  
"I don't either," the MDV shrugged. Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
"Some help you are,"  
  
"Yes, I am," and the MDV disappeared.  
  
"That was....random," Pippin raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Da," Merry said blandly.  
  
"Do you want any pipeweed?"  
  
"We never had any to begin with," Merry said morosely. "And call it by it's proper name: weed,"  
  
"There's an entire tub of it floating over there," Pippin pointed to a mini- river behind them.  
  
"Ah! The Joy of Weed!!!!" Merry quickly stood up..and fell down. "Damn hangovers!"  
  
"You aren't supposed to swear! You gave it up for Lent, remember?"  
  
"Goddammit, Pippin! I don't ever use any fucking swear words!" Merry said in mock anger.  
  
"Then give up something else important in your life. I gave up custard pies," Pippin said sadly.  
  
"Pippin?"  
  
"Da?"  
  
"You're ALLERGIC to custard pies,"  
  
"Dammit! How'd you know?"  
  
"Oh, I just happened to know you ALL MY LIFE,"  
  
"Oh, yeah....we're cousins," Pippin grinned. Merry breathed in very deeply and exhaled.  
  
"Yes, Pippin. We are,"  
  
"Well, it counts, doesn't it? It's important in my life because I have to stay AWAY from it, see?"  
  
"Net,"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"No in Russian," the MDV reappeared. Then disappeared. Then reappeared. "And don't pronounce it 'Net', it's 'Nyet'," Then disappeared. (see a pattern?)  
  
"I'm going to kill her one day with a sharp pointy object," Merry glared at the sky.  
  
"So it counts. Ok? Ok," Pippin said with what he hopefully thought was a convincing, end-of-conversation tone of finality.  
  
"Net. You have to give up something you LIKE,"  
  
"Custard pie is something I LIKE to stay away from,"  
  
"How come you're suddenly smarter?"  
  
"I don't know....it could be those mysterious carrots I found yesterday," Pippin said thoughtfully.  
  
"Must be..." Merry frowned in confusion. "Give up something you LIKE and TOUCH and USE and NOT STAY AWAY FROM,"  
  
"You're evil,"  
  
"Oh, yes. I'm clearly the epitome of it." Merry said in sarcasm.  
  
"Da,"  
  
"Blame the person who made up Lent," Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
"Who would that be?"  
  
"I have no clue. I didn't even know till last year Middle Earth had a Lent. It may be some random poncy fangirl dressed in pink and purple who introduced it while hunting for Legolas or....Legolas. From what I've heard, twitching passer-bys killed her, but kept Lent because they're either really stupid or think giving up things is cool," Merry shrugged.  
  
"Fangirls," Pippin shuddered.  
  
"I'm glad we don't have any," Merry sighed in satisfaction.  
  
[ENTER random stampede of Merry and Pippin fangirls, then instantly disappear]  
  
"Was that real?" Pippin blinked furiously, then whispered.  
  
"I hope not...." Merry's left eye began having twitchy seizures. "All I saw was a big blur of pink. Hot pink, at that,"  
  
"Ewwww," Pippin winced.  
  
"Da, da, and da," Merry poked at his left eye to try and make it stop.  
  
"So what are you giving up for Lent?"  
  
"What are YOU giving up for Lent?" Merry replied.  
  
"I have decided I shall give up weed," Pippin announced proudly. Merry's eyes grew as big as plates. (Well, that'd just be freaky....but you get the point)  
  
"But-but! No hobbit in HISTORY has ever done that!!"  
  
"Then I'll be the first one. And in the future, everyone will want to tell the story of Pippin and His Promise To Give Up Weed. And maybe Pippin and His Faithful Sidekick, Merry and HIS Promise To Give Up...what is it you're going to give up?"  
  
"You can't last a week without weed, I'll betcha. And I'm NOT your sidekick," Merry glared.  
  
"Minor details, minor details," Pippin waved his hand carelessly.  
  
"I'm thinking of giving up...erm..." Now everything Merry thought up, he wanted to keep.  
  
"Jelly beans?"  
  
"Net,"  
  
"Pickles?"  
  
"Definitely net,"  
  
"Peeing in the Brandybuck River?"  
  
"SHHHH!" Merry hissed.  
  
"Oops,"  
[EDIT "Gimli Mini-Section #2", I'm afraid, must be cut here for severely profane use of swear words. Gimli is currently residing in the next chapter]  
  
Gimli: I DO NOT USE ANY FUCKINGLY PROFANE SWEAR WORDS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? [insert much grumbling and much swear words that would make even a Hell's Angel faint].  
  
Erm. *cough*  
  
********************************************************  
  
Oo; Er..I like Russian? ^^; 


	34. Elves can spell too

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Have nothing. ^^; Therefore, don't sue. Have nothing = have no money. Oo; Unless you absolutely have to have 15 cents...  
  
Btw~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
(not really in this chapter)  
  
********************************************************  
  
[Gimli! And more Gimli! And then, no more Gimli.]  
  
"Aha. See? I'm a good Disembodied Voice. Here you go. A whole chapter to yourself," the Mysterious Disembodied Voice (MDV) proclaimed, waving a couple sheets of blank paper in Gimli's direction, then muttered, "Ha. Now the Voices-In-My-Head Council can't fire me for neglecting." Gimli grabbed the blank sheets and stared at them.  
  
"What should I say?" He stroked his beard.  
  
"I dunno. I suppose people would read this chapter more if you happened to mention a certain sexy Elf and/or an idiotic Ranger in deathly need of a shower. Or you can talk about yourself. Whatever suits you," the MDV yawned.  
  
"Ahem. Ok, then. I am Gimli. I'm about 128 years old. More or less, anyhow. Umm...my father's name is Gloin, NOT Groin, as Legolas carelessly-" Gimli suddenly stopped as he noticed the ears of lurking fangirls prick up. "LEGOLAS is a dumb blonde. Contrary to popular belief, we are not best friends. We only do that buddy-buddy act for commercial advertising and promotions. Although I suspect he gets paid more, that Elven bastard. Who CARES about good looks and fine conditioning? I have braids too! I hate ships. They make me sick. So do trees. Trees, you see, are only-"  
  
"Gimli?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"No one wants to read about trees,"  
  
"Oh,"  
  
"And those fangirls are just about to murder you," the MDV pointed at the horde of fangirls bearing weapons of mass destruction (aka tomatoes and pointy sticks). The MDV watched as Gimli started running away. Far far away.  
  
"So much for Gimli's chapter...Onto the adventures of Blondie and the Idiotic One," the MDV recycled Gimli's pages and tossed down some more paper.  
  
+++++++++++++++  
  
"Gandalf, are we there yet?" Legolas sighed dejectedly, thumping his forehead onto the back of Air-rod's head. At least riding's more comfortable now that he had a nice cushion under his butt.  
  
"No. It'll be a couple hours or so," Gandalf said, absentmindedly swinging his staff, occasionally whacking Telefax. Either very very tolerant or very very fat, Telefax didn't seem to be affected by the blows.  
  
"HALLELUJAH!!" Legolas's head sprang up and he began to dance the cumbia....well, as well as one can dance the cumbia while sitting on a horse. And Aragorn began to make mime-like random gestures, of which he later said was his version of silently praying to the Valar.  
  
2 hours later...  
  
"Ai! Aragorn! I can ACTUALLY see a black speck! A speck! Thank the Valar, a speck!" Legolas was crying tears of joy. And the Riders of Rohan started joyfully crying. Aragorn, too, was crying, but only because Marsha dumped Jake in his latest read: Marsha and Jake, then Marsha and John, then Marsha and Jim, then back to Marsha and Jake....  
  
This leaves one wondering what on Middle Earth could have possibly published that book with such a horrendous title.  
  
Publisher-of-Books-with-Horrendous-Titles Company: Bwahahahahaha!  
  
...Well, that answers many questions.  
2 hours later....  
  
"ARAGORN! I can STILL see the speck! It has gotten slightly bigger! The Valar blesses us today! I shall give kisses to ALL of them! Mwah! Mwah!" Legolas started blowing a lot of kisses into mid-air. At this point, a lot of the fangirls (to put it mildly) began to severely wish they were one of the Valar. Aragorn started kissing the book, elated that Marsha got together with John. The Riders of Rohan are still crying. Their horses are started to get a tad soggy.  
  
2 hours later.....  
  
"The speck is even BIGGER! I LOVE EVERYONE! Even Gimli!!!" Legolas sobbed uncontrollably, flinging himself onto Air-rod's neck. However, Air-rod wasn't even angry. The horse was so happy. Soon, no more will he tread miles in rabbit poop. Aragorn started sobbing too. Apparently, Marsha and John aren't really meant for each other. The Riders of Rohan already created their own waterfall. Their horses are started to get twitchy.  
  
8 hours later....  
  
"WE'RE HERE! WE'RE ALIVE!" Legolas nearly bungee-jumped off Air-rod's back and kissed the icky ground in front of Isengard. Soon, he discovers the taste of mud isn't really good. "Does anyone have mouthwash?...Anyone?..."  
  
The Riders of Rohan gingerly got off their horses (imagine riding for a gazillion hours straight) and waddled into a group and hugged each other and...kept on crying. A lot of them even started writing to their mothers. A scary thought.  
  
Aragorn sighed happily and shut his book. Marsha and Jake are so perfect for each other.  
  
"Oh, we're here already?"  
  
"YES, WE ARE! WE ARE!" Legolas flung his arms around Aragorn (there you go, you slash fans) and hugged him until he turned blue..then purple..  
  
"Nghe..yegh..ack.." Aragorn opened his mouth in an attempt to breathe.  
  
"I'M SO HAPPY!!" Legolas finally let go and flounced off, twirling in delight.  
  
"SOMEONE had too much beer today..." Aragorn massaged his throat.  
  
"Hey, Aragorn!" Legolas yelled from...somewhere.  
  
"What?" Aragorn replied, silently hoping this wasn't another Legolas Hug Attack.  
  
"Come over here!"  
  
"Erm..coming!" Aragorn grabbed a nearby long pointy stick. Just in case. He walked over to the gate of Isengard, where Legolas stood, talking to.... "MERRY! PIPPIN!" Aragorn ran over and hugged the both of them, on the verge of tears. "We thought we lost you to the Urukettes!"  
  
"Nope, still alive!" Pippin grinned while Merry shuddered.  
  
"Never say that horrible word again,"  
  
"Oh, sorry," Aragorn patted Merry's head.  
  
"So, any food or drink around here? Souvenirs, at least?" Legolas looked around him. By some strange, magical powers, Merry and Pippin whipped out a souvenir/food stand and wore identical grins.  
  
"What would you like?" Merry said.  
  
"Water...and...bread.." Legolas stared in amazement. Nothing like this ever happened in the Elf world. Hmm, Elves need to brush up on their magic.  
  
"50 shire coins please," Pippin said, bringing out some bread and water.  
  
"What makes you think I have SHIRE coins?!" Legolas exclaimed. "Let alone MONEY?"  
  
"Well, we need some," Pippin nodded.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"To buy the you-know-what," Merry snuck a glance at Pippin.  
  
"Yeah, to buy the W-E-E-D. Right, Merry?" Pippin winked.  
  
"You know we can spell..." Aragorn raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Pippin, you dolt! It's the ORCS that can't spell! PEOPLE can!"  
  
"And Elves," Legolas raised his index finger.  
  
"And Elves," Merry repeated, letting out an exasperating sigh before rolling his eyes.  
  
"We can! Really!" Legolas said indignantly.  
  
"I wasn't sighing to YOU,"  
  
"Oh, I knew that,"  
  
"C'mon Legolas. We better hurry back to the Riders and Gandalf. Otherwise Gandalf will think we're in search of the fabled Antidepressant Trees of Old...AGAIN.." Aragorn rolled his eyes and marched off.  
  
"Come Hobbits! Surely you want to see Gandalf again. He got some pretty spiffy new robes," Legolas nodded.  
  
"Erm.." Merry started.  
  
"Does he.." Pippin said.  
  
"Still..."  
  
"Have that..."  
  
"Special..."  
  
"Box..."  
  
"Of his...?"  
  
"The scary one?" Pippin whispered, clearly frightened. Legolas frowned. He couldn't recall Gandalf ever bringing it out during the journey (if such a happy term could apply to it), if he still had it.  
  
"Uh, no," Legolas decided. The hobbits both sighed in relief and headed off with Legolas towards-  
  
"GAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Gimli ran in the direction of Legolas and the hobbits. Legolas, with his pretty Elven eyes, shook with horror and what was chasing Gimli.  
  
"RUN, HOBBITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Legolas sprinted off towards Aragorn and Gandalf, with the hobbits and Gimli hot on his heels. Now he dearly hoped Gandalf still had his Viagra. That may frighten away the horrid horrid fangirls. At least for an hour or two. Enough for them to run away, anyhow. The Valar knows Legolas fangirls don't ever give up...nor get rid of those awful pink "I LOVE LEGOLAS" shirts.  
  
Augh! I think I'm going blind....  
********************************************************  
  
So whadja think? ^^; *points subtlely to review button* 


	35. The one who makes you shudder and afraid...

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Have nothing. ^^; Therefore, don't sue. Have nothing = have no money. Oo; Unless you absolutely have to have 15 cents...  
  
BTW~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
(not really in this chapter)  
  
This chapter should be amusing. Key word: should....^^;  
  
********************************************************  
  
[The fearsome monster, the unavoidable cootie, the skipping and dancing horror: MARY-SUE! *ahem* Run for your lives, dammit! Run!]  
  
"Is it time to call Saruman out yet?" Merry gestured towards Orthanc.  
  
"Not YET, hobbit. I must wait for a SIGN...or until my Cherry Coke and cheeseburgers come," Gandalf frowned impatiently as he absentmindedly fiddled with his cell phone.  
  
"Then it will be a while yet," Aragorn sighed. He saw a flurry of movements out of the corner of his eye and turned to look.  
  
"!*@&@%^%$#&*#&^% SARUMAN!!!$@$%&&*&...." Legolas was cursing beautifully (as he just realized all the trees were gone).  
  
"Go Legolas," Aragorn said in a monotonous tone, waving a tiny random "Legolas" flag. "Where the hell did this come from?" He stared at the pinkness of the flag, spotted with hearts, then, shuddering, dropped it. A sudden rumble of doom filled the air. An ominous cloud covered them in shadow. The Riders of Rohan screamed in terror and the horses fled to who- knows-where. Aragorn and the hobbits widened their eyes as they saw a pearl- white unicorn and its rider stampede over a hill towards them. It seemed like barely two seconds passed when they skidded to a halt in front of them. Aragorn was in shock.  
  
"LEAVE, HOBBITS! LEAVE! MUST..must..w..w..." He couldn't seem to the rest of the words out to the hobbits.  
  
"What is it?? What is it??" the hobbits were quickly going into a frenzied state. If they didn't leave soon, they would be under THE SPELL.  
  
"WARN LEGOLAS!" Aragorn spat out with tremendous effort. Then his eyes seemed to glaze over and with the speed of lightning, ran to cling lovingly to the rider: the evil, dreaded, and feared MARY-SUE. The hobbits ran for dear life.  
  
"Wait! Like, where are they going? Doesn't everyone love me? Come back! I'm, like, a talented, gifted, beautiful, rebellious Elf princess here!! LOVE ME, DAMMIT! Like- Oh, hello Aragorn! I KNEW someone loved me!" The Mary-Sue hopped off her oh-so-faithful unicorn and swished her pink robes for effect. This just resulted in the rest of the nearby grass to die and wither. "Eww. Mud. And, like, dirt! Ugghh! Aragorn, HELP!!" the Mary-Sue (who we later regretted to learn was Vanuyataniemanyaliel) clung to Aragorn, as he somehow found her in his arms. Being now completely under THE SPELL, Aragorn lifted and carried Vanu..ya...(what the hell, we'll call her Van) to a giant, oddly-clean, and flat rock for her to perch on and declare to the world that she's here to save the day (*gag*).  
  
"ARAGORN!" Legolas ran over, looking completely freaked out. He had his two knives out, ready to attack the intruder. "No, it can't be!! It's the..the..." Legolas was coming under the spell. Van was eyeing Legolas like he was a piece of meat she wanted to eat. (o_x I just rhymed, didn't I?)  
  
"Mary Sue!! Run!!" Legolas fought the temptation like the pretty Elf he is, and whacked his knife on Van's head, releasing Aragorn from the spell. (Too bad it was the flat part of the knife...)  
  
"OH MY FUCKING VALAR!" Aragorn realized he had TOUCHED the evil thing.  
  
"We mustn't linger! C'mon, let's go, let's go!!" Legolas dragged Aragorn, who was still cursing himself, to....well, somewhere far away.  
  
"DAMMIT! I left my sword by that rock! Legolas, we have to-"  
  
"NO! Sacrifices MUST be made! Soon, that devil horse and that spawn of Sauron will be riding after us! We cannot risk such a mistake!" Legolas leapt over fallen logs and ran towards Fangorn Forest, where Pippin and Merry already went into hiding, with the help of TreeMoustache. *cue for dramatic, we're-running-away-from-evil music*  
  
"Eh? I was-" Van woke up, pausing to smooth her disgusting pale pink gown. "ARAGORN! LEGOLAS! They were here just a minute ago...*GASP* What is they were captured by Orcs?! Or kidnapped by rabid forest creatures?? I MUST GO SAVE THEM!" Van thus leapt onto her SLEEK, BEAUTIFUL unicorn and rode, unsurprisingly, in the exact same direction Legolas and Aragorn ran off to, for the Mary-Sue Intuition is never ever wrong!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Goddammit! WHERE is my food??" Gandalf, now all alone by the tower of Orthanc, grumbled. His old age prevented his normal hearing ability to weaken....a lot. Thus he had not heard the dread of the Mary Sue and thought the ominous black cloud was just bad weather. Tch. Old men are so selfish. Either that or he needs to reset that hearing aid and replace those contact lenses....and brush his false teeth. _  
  
And on to focus on the Mary-Sue (Vaniyam...h...e...I give up.)...  
  
"Dammit, the switches won't WORK!" Van cursed as she attempted to switch on the Christmas lights that covered her unicorn, which supposedly are supposed to give her and her unicorn a "white, bright, and god-like aura!" According to the box in came in anyway. She hit them one last time for good measure, and viola! They worked. Unsurprisingly. Considering she was THE Mary-Sue. "Now we must ride in haste, dear beloved companion, so that we may be able to fight off the Orcs with a single deadly toothpick and make both Aragorn AND Legolas fall in love with me!" She patted her unicorn, and headed ever closer towards the Doomed Ones (aka Aragorn and Legolas).  
  
Escape! Escape!....  
  
"Pick up your feet Aragorn! HURRY UP!" Legolas was about a quarter mile ahead of Aragorn, as Elves were light on their feet and weighed a heck of a lot less than men did. In fact, Legolas weighed-  
  
"SHUT UP," Legolas hissed at the narrator (aka the Mysterious Disembodied Voice). In return, he got a "well, someone's TOUCHY...."  
  
"I'm TRYING, Legolas! It's not my fault I was born to eat fat-lathered meat! You frikkin vegetarians...."  
  
"Actually, we're not quite-"  
  
"Never mind! Stop talking! I need to save my breath," Aragorn panted. About another hour of running later...  
  
"Ok, I...really...need....to....stop...." Aragorn was on the brink of fainting.  
  
"You can't be serious! We've only ran, what, 4 miles? 5?" Legolas didn't even have a drop of sweat on him. *cue for dreamy sighing among the Legolas fangirls* "We MUST outrun the- GAH!! ARAGORN!" Legolas screamed, as the Mary-Sue (aka the Devil incarnate) appeared out of NOWHERE, crying...  
  
"BACK, YOU DEVILS! YOU SERVANTS OF SAURON! WATCH ME WIELD MY BLADES OF RED DEATH! ALSO CALLED THE PURPLE SWORD OF DOOM! AND THE FLOWERY VINE OF THE HILLS OF- wait. There aren't any Orcs...." Van disappointedly lowered her overly-decorated sword (which, unsurprisingly, she thought was pretty). Legolas and Aragorn breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The way she was wildly waving it around, no-one within a five-mile radius would soon be left with their heads still attached. "Well, THERE you are! Are you ok? Are you safe? Do you need my extra-special, better-than-even-Elrond's healing skills? I have pretty purple band-aids. I know CPR and First Aid and the Heimlich..." Legolas and Aragorn began to shake. They were coming under THE SPELL....  
  
"R...run. Run!" Aragorn's breathing speed began to increase.  
  
"I...I..I can't! Go..." Legolas's hands began to reach out towards that demented one-horned disgrace of a horse...  
  
"Are you...are you....?" Aragorn's feet were betraying his will inch by inch..  
  
"GO!" Legolas let out the last of his energy, as he zoomed forth and stuck like glue to the hem of Van's dress. This disrupted the evil clinging aura web of the Mary-Sue and Aragorn, being free for a moment, fled...like the wind! (sorry, had to include that. ^^;).  
  
Aragorn ran, feeling extremely guilty for leaving Legolas in such torturous hands, not knowing where the hell he was going (damn, I'm on a rhyming streak, eh? XD). He crashed right into a short, furry...thing.  
  
"Gimli??" Aragorn pushed his greasy locks of hair back and took a closer look at the 'thing'.  
  
"Get up and run, you fool! The fangirls are coming and they're STILL not out of those tomatoes!"  
  
Aragorn widened his eyes, and with painful effort (after all, he DID run 4+ miles), ran in another random direction.  
  
"I should've joined the cross-country team during high school..." Aragorn moaned.  
Meanwhile....  
  
"Oh MY, Legolas, you have such a BIG-" Van was being....the Mary-Sue she was.  
  
"EHNNNN!" Legolas whimpered helplessly. (Which translates into "ARAGORN, HELP ME, DAMMIT!").  
  
How much longer Legolas could last, no one can tell for sure..Although the Daily In-Dangerous-Situation Approximation Statistics for Middle Earth Incorporated tells us that "it will not be for long. No one ever lasts long under the painful influence of the Mary-Sue. And we don't suppose we're going to send any help to rid poor Legolas of the treacherous disease. It's too risky. And, plus, if Legolas disappears, so will his fangirls. Which will be all the better for the rest of us. Really."  
  
Mmm, yes. I can see the wisdom....  
********************************************************  
  
So whadja think? ^^; *points subtlely to review button*  
NOTES (I shall be doing these from now on. ^^):  
  
Shadow Phantom: Thankies!! I can't believe you're still interested in my story. ^^; You're stupendous! Erm, yay Russians! *gives you a Frodo Hug Attack* xD feel better?  
  
StaceyBaggins: Thank you! And thank you for reviewing constantly. :D You are a fanfic writer's dream reviewer.  
  
MagicalRachel: Ai! You are wonderful! Thank you for reviewing constantly! You make me feel so special. ^______^  
  
RikkuCroft: XDD Of course you're ok. Purple butterflies to everyone! (Can't you tell how sane I am? ^^;)  
  
A.Lien: Thank you! ^^ And "that time of the month" means....the time every month when a girl's..well, period comes. x_o yep.  
  
When the Moron Comes: Eep! Don't kill me! *gives you a nice LOTR plushie set* ^^  
  
SperryDee: Of course I will. ^_^  
  
Chicki45: You can join me! The nice white men ARE nice, aren't they?  
  
Aerin: I have no clue...that's the nice thing about random fanfics, eh? ^^;  
  
Pokemonrex: Here it is! :o)  
  
Mordel: Aragorn says he loves you too! :D  
  
Jessica: Erm, you know that this entire story is a parody, right?... Okay, Aragorn is hotter than Legolas. Oo; Suit yourself. 


	36. The Plight and Flight of Legolas

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Have nothing. ^^; Therefore, don't sue. Have nothing = have no money. Oo; Unless you absolutely have to have 15 cents...  
  
BTW~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
(not really in this chapter)  
  
This chapter should be amusing. Key word: should....^^;  
  
And yes, finally the evil pink tape AND the Merry and Pippin diet rise from the dead again...I didn't mean to kill them. ^^; honestly...oo; *runs to hide from angry readers* Tomatoes can hurt, or so I've heard.  
  
********************************************************  
  
[The vanquishing of Van-whats-her-name, the diet, and dundundun! The evil pink video tape!]  
"GIMLI! I've just had a BRILLIANT idea!" Aragorn panted while attempting to continue running. Those fangirls NEVER tire..  
  
"Well, let's hear it before we get murdered! I've already weakened with the pummeling of 3 tomatoes on my back..." Gimli worriedly said.  
  
"Let's stop first or I'm gonna kill myself running out of breath!" Aragorn was hyperventilating again.  
  
"Are you CRAZY? They're right behind us!"  
  
"WATCH ME,"  
  
"Ohhhh no. You're can get yourself killed, but I, on the other hand, plan to live a bit longer!" Gimli thumped to the ground as Aragorn pulled the back of his mail collar.  
  
"LISTEN UP, YOU LEGOLAS FANGIRLS! Do you know what a MARY SUE is?" Aragorn shouted. The fangirls and stopped and conversed with each other.  
  
"THE PERFECT INDESTRUCTABLE BITCH?" someone from the back of the fangirl crowed yelled.  
  
"Exactly!" Aragorn said, then dramatically continued. "One of THOSE is lurking among us! And you know where? RIGHT IN LEGOLAS'S ARMS! Save him before the two do the nasty! The horizontal mambo! The IT! SAVE HIM, FOR VALAR'S SAKE, SAVE HIM!" Aragorn cried. The fangirls erupted. They immediately ran at a speed thought to be impossible to reach in the direction Aragorn pointed in.  
  
"I never thought I'd say this, Aragorn, but-" Gimli started.  
  
"I'm a genius saving two problems at once? I know, I know," Aragorn smiled, waving his hand modestly.  
  
"Nooo...I was GOING to say that you are, in fact, an idiot,"  
  
"What??"  
  
"Do you think Legolas is going to be SAFE in the hands of that dangerous pink horde? What will happen IF the Mary Sue gets destroyed? What if she TAKES OVER the fangirls??" Gimli narrowed his eyes.  
  
"No! No way! That's IMPOSSIBLE! They won't let her! And well, at least Legolas MIGHT be safer in their hands...." Aragorn frowned.  
  
"You are jumping to dangerous conclusions, Aragorn. DANGEROUS conclusions, my lad," Gimli shook his finger. Aragorn nervously rubbed his hands.  
  
"All right! Hurry! Let's follow the fangirls!" Aragorn resumed running again. Maybe they should've bought those SlimFast exercise bars when they took a restroom stop on the way to Isengard...  
++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Merry? Where ARE they? They should've been here ages ago!" Pippin paced in their hiding spot, waiting for Legolas and Aragorn.  
  
"They must've been conquered...we lost them...." Merry said darkly, looking at the ground.  
  
"Don't be so pessimistic! Maybe they lost their way. You know how bad they are at directions," Pippin said in a hopeful tone.  
  
"Hmm..you're right," Merry nodded. "Maybe they just got lost,"  
  
"Right. And we can eat while we wait for them," Pippin said eagerly.  
  
"Right," Merry nodded again and snapped out his foldable food and drink concession stand.  
  
"Oooo! Popcorn! Merry, can we? Can we?" Pippin leaped excitedly, holding up a bag of popcorn (of course).  
  
"Do you see a MICROWAVE?"  
  
"No.."  
  
"Do you even remember our DIET??" Merry said, his eyes strangely blazing....  
  
"No..I mean, yes! Yes! Forgive me! May the Valar hit me with a lightning bolt for thinking such a thing!" Pippin cried. A lightning bolt hit Pippin and then all Merry could see was a black and charred hobbit figure.  
  
"Pippin?..Are you ok?" Merry poked Pippin. Pippin coughed out a mouthful of ash and gagged.  
  
"I didn't mean it literally!"  
  
"Oops," the Valar said unanimously.  
  
"That was cruel of you!" a female Valar could be heard slapping another Valar.  
  
"Whaaat? He TOLD us to! And really, when was the last time we got to throw a lightning bolt?..." The argument continued faintly in the clouds somewhere. Merry and Pippin looked at the sky in amazement.  
  
"So the Valar really DOES exist...." Pippin blinked.  
  
"SHH! Not so loud!" Merry hissed. He looked at the other food. "Umm....would you like some oatmeal?"  
  
"What kind?"  
  
"Apple cinnamon....I think,"  
  
"Ooo! Yay! Lowers cholesterol and has practically no calories! This is good stuff," Pippin jumped up and down. Merry could only blink and bend down again. There has GOT to be a maple sugar oatmeal packet SOMEWHERE.....or someone would surely die. At the hands of an angry, maple-sugar-oatmeal- loving, hungry-rabid hobbit. And no one wants to die like that.  
  
Merry-loving fangirl: ME! I DO! I DO! I- *clunk! and thump! is heard*  
  
Well, not me at least.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Oh, Legolas. You're so beautiful. And so am I. We go perfectly together! Have you made up your undying-love speech yet! I can hardly wait!" Van squealed, tossing her SHINING hair and laughed (aka giggle madly).  
  
"Eh, er, undying-love...." Legolas repeated, his eyes glazed over and in shock.  
  
"Oh! You DO love me! And because I'm skinny and beautiful and a perfect warrior and I'm smarter than Elrond, right?" Her PERFECTLY white teeth flashed (aka blinds half the world).  
  
"Erp..."  
  
"You said yes! Oh, I've waited so long! Half and hour is like FOREVER, did you-" Van stopped, suddenly hearing something with her ELVEN ears. "Do you hear something?"  
  
"Erp..."  
  
"Yeah, so do I....Orcs! It's orcs!" Van shrieked. And she brought out her famed sword of idiocy....again. The fangirls circled around them. "It's NOT orcs! What are they? What are they?!" In her moment of frenzy, the spell momentarily loosened.  
  
"Huh?" Legolas's eyes slowly turned back to its normal blue. Hundreds of blazing-red fangirl eyes were boring furiously on Van.  
  
"Uh, ah, I'll FIGHT YOU ALL!" Van cried miserably and swung her deadly sword at them. The fangirls came closer. Legolas was about to cry. He was on the Mary Sue's pointy-horned horse, yet surrounded by fangirls. The Mary Sue? Or the fangirls? His mind whirled. But he didn't have a choice anyway. The fangirls let out a unanimous warrior-like cry and leaped upon Van as a single pink entity. In the fray, Legolas escaped in tears. He ran into the forest and shimmied up a random tree, hugging the branches.  
  
"I am NEVER letting you go," he gripped the branches lovingly. One piercing shriek and Legolas knew. His heart lifted.  
  
"LADIES, SHE HAS BEEN DEMOLISHED! DE-MARY-SUED! DE-EXISTED!" one fangirl leader cried with voraciousness as she pointed triumphantly at what was left. A shred of Van's pink dress. Where the rest of her went, I don't want to know. And neither do you. "Wait, what's this?" the leader quickly brushed aside the evil pink material and brought up a...dundundun!..pink video tape! "It must belong to Legolas or something," she rationalized. "We must return it to him!" The fangirls joyously screamed. They finally had SOME sort of reason to see Legolas again! They ran off in different directions. Legolas HAD to be SOMEWHERE within a 50-mile radius....  
  
+++++++++++++++++++  
  
"Gimli...." Aragorn gasped.  
  
"You wanna rest AGAIN? Even I can run faster than you!" Gimli sighed exasperatingly.  
  
"No! Do you feel it? A GLOOM. Of DOOM! Has fallen upon us...." Aragorn said, eyes widening to the point of....  
  
"You look like an idiot. No, there's no- wait. I think I feel it. A heavy cloud of doom!" Gimli said in fear. A heavy black cloud bearing a sign "DOOM!" swooshed over to Gimli's head and began to pelt him with raindrops. Aragorn doubled up in laughter.  
  
"WHAT did I just tell you?? We are GODS, not CHILDREN!" Another slapping noise could be heard from the clouds.  
  
"But he ASKED for it! I mean seriously....." and the argument continued...  
********************************************************  
  
So whadja think? ^^; *points subtlely to review button*  
  
;_; I'm sorry it's so short this time....I tried! I have way too much homework. x_x well, I hope you enjoyed what little I had to write...*hides in terror of flying tomatoes and pointy sticks and heavy objects*  
NOTES (I shall be doing these from now on. ^^):  
  
Shadow Phantom: aww, you're welcome! "And yes, us Russians must stick together for the sake of the Motherland....or something." Ahahaha! XD And a SERIOUS chapter? Hmm...just maybe... :D And you have a wonderfullific day too.  
  
SaraM: You shocked me with all your lovely reviews. But that's ok, my heart has restarted. ^___^ Thank you!! Here's the update.  
  
Elfgrl: :o) I'm continuing! Thankees!  
  
EvilHamsterSlave: Aww, really? ^_^ Thank you! I feel happy. And WITHOUT the anti-depressants this time.  
  
Meghann: Thank you! I'm glad this cheered you up. ^_^  
  
Chocolate lover: :D Thank you! Shh, I'll tell you a secret: I'm a Legolas fangirl too! I just like bashing the insane ones. What? Me? Insane? Nope, never....  
  
Tara: xD Hmm, I think so...And thank you!  
  
Eibbor N: Whoo! A fellow MS hater! *parades around with a I HATE MARY SUES flag* ^_^ Thank you! I wrote more...see above. ^^;  
  
When the moron comes: Thank you!! And no, I have NO idea who invented the Leggy thing....but whoever did will have made Tolkien turn several more times in his grave. ^^;  
  
Pokemonrex: Thank you! :o)  
  
Rikkucroft: Thank you! O_O They are, aren't they? I'm sorry! The diet is back! It's back! Don't kill me..  
  
A.Lien: :D Your welcome..and thank you!!  
  
Kierin: Thank you! :o)  
  
Esteladuial: Your'e back! *sobs and hands you a plate of cookies* I missed you. ;_; wait! Don't run! I swear I'm not insane or attach-y...really. ^^;  
  
Aerin: Aha! We must stick together, we wise people...and thankees!  
  
Isilhén: ^_____^ Legolas is a lovely hero-ish kind of elf, eh? Thank you!  
  
Chicki45: Thank you! And oh, nope. Never seen you, never heard about you....^^;  
  
StacyBaggins: Ai! Thankees! :D Here it is.  
  
Aranel: :o) Thank you!! And by the time you read this...the Mary Sue is gone! Whoo! *elfy happy dance* *throws a party* 


	37. Gimli and the colors of the world

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Have nothing. ^^; Therefore, don't sue. Have nothing = have no money. Oo; Unless you absolutely have to have 15 cents...  
  
BTW~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
(not really in this chapter)  
  
This chapter should be amusing. Key word: should....^^;  
  
O_O eesh! I'm hyperventilating...400 reviews. *sob* Thank you, people. Thank you!!  
  
Reviewer #400: Erm. Yay?  
  
Reviewer #401: Not fair! You get all the credit!  
  
Reviewer #400: Oo; If it matters to you that much...*gives #401 some credit*  
  
Reviewer #401: Yay! *snuggles credit happily*  
  
Reviewer #400: *blinkblink*...someone has been loved by his mother too much for his own good..  
  
And ignore that. ^^; On to the chapter...  
********************************************************  
  
[The evil pink video tape! And a couple fangirls as a side dish....]  
"Aughhh! Aragorn! What is it? Ow! What is it?" Gimli tried to run away from the very persistent cloud, who followed him and pelted him with rain, rain, rain, and the occasional hailstone. Aragorn was having difficulty breathing, as he was wheezing with laughter.  
  
"You...asked...for....it....." Aragorn gasped.  
  
"No I didn't! Damn it! Make it go away! Go away, you freakish cloud of Doom...." Gimli swung his axe at the poofy cloud. His attempts were quite futile.  
  
"Fine! Fine! I'll remove it!" a voice from the clouds sighed, accompanied by a "Good! You nearly earned a cold bed today, you handsome Valar, you...", which in turn, was accompanied by a sudden vanishing of the Doom cloud and faint kissing noises.  
  
"Ach! I'm all wet," Gimli seethed, trudging through the grass, his boots squelching at every step. "And couldn't they do that in PRIVATE?" He looked up at the clouds and gave a nasty look in the direction of the aforementioned kissing noises. Aragorn wiped his eyes and sighed.  
  
"I'll have to remember to thank the Valar for that entertaining scene," He laughed.  
  
"That wasn't ENTERTAINING! I'm laying a curse on you: next time, YOU'RE the one that's going to be the entertainer," Gimli shook a finger at Aragorn. "And dwarf curses NEVER go wrong." Aragorn just raised an eyebrow in amusement.  
  
"Like that other time when you cursed Legolas and said that he would grow mildew in his hair?" Gimli grumbled.  
  
"Dandruff is...related to mildew..." He muttered. Aragorn just shook his head.  
  
"By the way, what Doom WAS that?" Gimli looked warily around him.  
  
"I'm not sure...but I had a distinct feeling it had a color....a strange color to be sure," Aragorn frowned and thoughtfully put a finger to his lips. Gimli slowly nodded.  
  
"I thought so too," The two sat on opposite ends of a large flat rock and pondered for a while.  
  
"Green?" Aragorn said in a hesitant voice.  
  
"You already said that ten minutes ago!" Gimli said, frustratingly braiding his beard.  
  
"Soooooorry. Let's hear a color from YOU then!" Aragorn, getting irritated, turned around to face Gimli.  
  
"Orange,"  
  
"Oooo, I didn't even think of that one. Good call," The two resumed their original 'thinking' positions.  
  
Meanwhile....  
Legolas, although quite stiff from being immobile for a half hour, still clung to his branch.  
  
"Please, Valar, if you love the Elves, especially me, don't let the fangirls find me! Please don't, please don't, please don't...." Legolas prayed fervently. His whisper caught chokingly in his throat when he heard two approaching girl voices.  
  
"Come on, Amanda! We've GOT to keep up a fast pace if we're gonna even catch a glimpse of Legolas! Man, can he hide....that's one of the things I love about him," one girl giggled. The other girl, apparently Amanda, piped up.  
  
"And his sexy body. God, he's so fine and lean....and his archery skills! They turn me on so much. I wish he pinned ME to a bed," she said wistfully. Legolas widened his eyes and trembled, causing a few leaves to shake dangerously. It was said that fangirls could detect falling leaves from a few hundred feet away. And once they knew where their prey was, the prey was doomed. Legolas wasn't in complete shock, after all he has read such things in his letters, but the fact that they were on an elf hunt and sexually fantasizing about him (from their own lips!) was horrifying nonetheless.  
  
"His elfhood! It must be big. No one's ever seen it, except perhaps his lovers. How many do you think he's had?"  
  
"He must've had hundreds. Maybe thousands. No one can resist him," Legolas felt a queasy jolt in his stomach. THOUSANDS of lovers?? He hasn't even had one! And what right did they have discussing his ELFHOOD? THAT was private information! He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that somehow his mental powers could work and magically drive them away. Amazingly, the girls spoke about leaving.  
  
"Damn! He can't be here. We better get back before the others think we actually have found him and are shagging him for ourselves. Come on. I'm hungry," Amanda sighed and began turning back. The other girl paused and looked intently up in the trees.  
  
"Wait," she said. Legolas began to shudder violently. Oh no, oh no! She was heading his way...She stopped underneath his tree and attempted to look through the thick foliage. "Mm, I guess you're right. Let's go. Can't feel his sexy presence," And off they went. After waiting for another half hour, Legolas released his death grip of the branches and let out a huge sigh of relief. A voice came from the clouds.  
  
"You owe me one. Big time, elf boy,"  
  
"I know, I know! Thank you! Thank you!" Legolas dropped to the floor and began kneeling and praising whatever Valar saved him.  
  
"Them chasing you amused me for a while. But then, I figured, why not give him a break? So, Legolas, you have 24 hours until they sense your presence again. Go!" The Valar pushed a button on his stopwatch and laughed as he saw poor Legolas widen his eyes in horror and fleeing to who-knows-where. The Valar shrewdly looked at the readers (that'd be you). "And no sympathy! I'm a sexy god! Do I get any attention? No...."  
  
Random reader: YOU'RE SEXY! I LOVE YOU, ULMO! I LOVE YOU!  
  
Ulmo blinked for a few minutes. "Never mind. Ignore me. I like being a bachelor, yes, I do...really,"  
Back to Gimli and Aragorn....  
"Did you say mahogany yet, Gimli?" Aragorn turned around....again.  
  
"YES, Aragorn," Gimli said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Oh. I thought so...." Aragorn nodded, then tried to think of another color.  
  
"Beige? Lime? Terra cotta? Papuca?...." Gimli frowned, deep in thought. Each color he thought of seemed to be further away from the color 'aura' they both felt.  
  
"Papuca?" Aragorn asked, bewildered. "What's papuca?"  
  
"A native earthy color exclusively used in the dwarf community," Gimli grunted absentmindedly and tried to wave away Aragorn. His face and smell was supposedly disturbing Gimli's 'thinking zone'.  
  
"Ah," Aragorn put his chin in his hands again. No color was springing up in mind except for the colors of the rainbow. "Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, red, orange, yellow, green, blue..."  
  
"Magenta?" Gimli hit a hot spot. "Aragorn! Magenta's close to the color. I can FEEL it!" He excitedly began to think again.  
  
"Yes! It's close!" Aragorn nodded emphatically and started furiously running over the colors of the rainbow in his head...in case he missed anything.  
  
"Rose, very berry, berry spritz...." Gimli thought out loud. Privately, Aragorn was thinking how the hell Gimli knew so many colors. And....flavors. Bemused and curious, yet at the same time not wanting to know, Aragorn returned to reviewing his seven colors.  
  
A half hour later....  
  
"Jamaican red, Hawaiian punch...augh! I'm getting further! Gotta stay on track. Stay on track, Gimli!" Gimli told himself. Aragorn thought over everything Gimli said and after carefully sorting it out, it suddenly came to him.  
  
"Red!"  
  
"NO, Aragorn. You said that 45 minutes ago! STAY ON TRACK!" Gimli growled at Aragorn and huffing, resumed listing another thousand colors and flavors.  
  
"Damn," Aragorn sighed.  
********************************************************  
  
*sobs and hides* I'm sorry it's so short!! Forgive me...but I have to go pack cause I'm going out of town for about 4 days. So you won't be getting a frequent update either. ;_; kind readers...review? Help me continue this story? 


	38. Evil AA Batteries

ANTI-DEPRESSANT FUNNESS!!!  
  
randomwriter96  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Have nothing. ^^; Therefore, don't sue. Have nothing = have no money. Oo; Unless you absolutely have to have 15 cents...  
  
BTW~ Thank you to those who still review! *hug* ^^; although I don't blame you if you didn't cause if I did, I'd be hypocritical. And the fact that I am a VERY slow updater..  
  
Note: Look below. I have read the warning thing and realized (slow that I am) it was useless and took up way too much space and way too many exclamation marks...much like an overexcited 12-year-old. Oo; That I do not want to be. So I give you the revised warning! Better, eh?  
  
TTT SPOILER WARNING!  
  
(not really in this chapter)  
  
This chapter should be amusing. Key word: should....^^;  
  
********************************************************  
  
[The evil pink video tape returns from the dead!! Mwahaha. ]  
  
"My god, they are SLOW!" the Mysterious Disembodied Voice (MDV) finished her foot spa session and stared down at Gimli and Aragorn who STILL haven't figured out the color of the DOOM. It has been over three hours.  
  
"Gimli? My butt hurts," Aragorn shifted restlessly on his spot on the rock.  
  
"SHHH!" Gimli hissed and let out a heavy sigh. WHAT WAS THE DAMN COLOR?  
  
"They need help," the MDV rolled her eyes and sent a wave of pink flamingos over their head.  
  
"What the hell are flamingos doing here?!" Gimli looked up towards the flapping noises.  
  
"Wow, flamingos are pink. I didn't know that. Did you, Gimli?" Aragorn mused.  
  
"Of COURSE flamingos are pink, you bas-" Gimli paused and a heavenly "ahhhh" and golden light shone upon him. "That's the color, Aragorn! THAT'S IT! It's PINK!" Aragorn jumped up and cheered.  
  
"Whoo! We figured it out! ....what's pink that could possibly be the ending of us?" Aragorn turned to Gimli. Gimli frowned in confusion.  
  
"I don't know....I know I'm allergic to salmon. Does that count as pink?" Aragorn nodded slowly.  
  
"That could be it....that could be it...." As they pondered, a Legolas fangirl burst into the clearing.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!" Gimli and Aragorn screamed. A wave of terror and DOOM washed over them.  
  
"She's PINK! She'll be the death of us! Valar help us! Valar help us!" Aragorn dropped to his knees and moaned.  
  
"Sorry. We're on lunch break. Maybe later," the Valar carelessly glanced down at Aragorn and unwrapped their Subway sandwiches.  
  
"Well, our only choice is to RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DAMMIT!" Gimli began to run, dragging Aragorn up by his collar.  
  
"Wait! I'm harmless! Really! Come back! I was just going to ask if you've seen Legolas!" The fangirl sighed and frowned. She glanced down at the pink videotape she held in her hand. "Guess they haven't...." No use running after Gimli and Aragorn when Legolas needed to be desperately found. "Where the hell is he??" Legolas was unfortunately (rather fortunately for him) was super-good at evading people when he wanted to. Damn Elven skills. The frustrated fangirl ran in the direction of several other fangirls in pursuit of the prince. They'd get him sooner or later.  
  
"Is she gone, Gimli? Is she gone?" Aragorn breathed hard and collapsed to the ground. If the fangirl wasn't going to be the death of him, cross- country running sure would be.  
  
"Seems like it.....we better go into hiding. Did she say she was searching for Legolas?"  
  
"I think so....."  
  
"That means he escaped those devils! Good for him! Maybe we should join up with him.....if we can find him first," Gimli began surveying their surroundings. Trees. Lots of them.  
  
"Maybe we should call for him. LEGO-" Aragorn began when a ruddy, stone- hardened hand clamped his jaw shut.  
  
"Your yelling could attract the fangirls, you fool! They have sharp hearing, remember?" he hissed and dragged Aragorn up. "You humans and your weak respiratory systems." He shook his head and began walking further into the woods. "Too many frikkin' trees. They're like LOOMING over you like you're some insignificant being. And you know why they....." Gimli ranted. Aragorn just tuned him out. Who cares if Gimli hated trees? They just needed to find Legolas, that was all.  
  
"One goal at a time, Aragorn...." he told himself.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++  
  
[Nighttime....ooo.]  
  
The fangirls met back at the clearing where they vanquished the Mary-Sue and all turned on their flashlights.  
  
"We are NOT giving up, girls! We're going to find him soon, I can feel it! Our I-Love-Legolas flashlights will find him! They run on AA batteries! They won't fail us!" one of the leaders exclaimed and held up her bright, pink flashlight. Renewed with energy, the fangirls cheered and spread out again.  
  
Meanwhile, Gimli and Aragorn were immersed in darkness.  
  
"I TOLD you to always pack a flashlight, you idiot!" Gimli angrily reprimanded Aragorn.  
  
"You are lowering my self-esteem! That's not very nice," Aragorn pouted.  
  
"That's not the point, you sissy! FLASHLIGHT! I can BARELY see you! Much less that poncy elf, wherever he is...." Gimli squinted his eyes.  
  
"I'm tired...." Aragorn yawned. "Maybe we should just sleep."  
  
"NO! What if the fangirls find us again?! We barely escaped the last one. That was odd, that she didn't chase us for Legolas information. Remember the one before? She kept asking for Legolas's grocery shopping schedules. How are WE supposed to know? As if we go grocery shopping with him. Huh!" Gimli scoffed.  
  
"Actually..." Aragorn raised an index finger.  
  
"Shut up! That's not the point," Gimli growled and sighed. "You're right. Maybe we should just wait till the sun comes back out....."  
  
"Wait! Gimli, what's that light over there?" Aragorn cocked his head to one side, pondering the moving light about three-fourths of a mile away. Gimli peered closer and shrugged.  
  
"I have no idea.....who would be out this late, anyhow?" Gimli frowned in confusion. Then the answer dawned upon him. "FANGIRLS! LEGOLAS FANGIRLS! RUN! RUN!"  
  
"Not again...." Aragorn whined. He was pushed by Gimli into running.  
  
"OW!!" Simultaneous groans were emitted by the two when they both crashed into trees. Then they passed out cold.  
  
"Sh! What was that noise?" One fangirl in her small search party of five girls whispered and aimed their powerful flashlights in the direction of Gimli and Aragorn.  
  
"Let's go check it out," They stealthily crept over to the two unconscious figures and sighed in disappointment. Suddenly, for some miraculous reason, one of the fangirls concocted a brilliant plan. Well, brilliant for them anyway.  
  
"Wait! Let's hold them RANSOM! Then Legolas will HAVE to come to us!" she squealed. The fangirls cheered. They tied up Gimli and Aragorn with their own special kind of rope. The kind you can't get out of if you were tied with it. Not even with a lighter and a knife.  
  
"Wait....How will we send Legolas the ransom note?" one of the smarter (I said smarter....not smart) fangirls said. The rest of the fangirls blinked and were silent.  
  
"Umm....we could write lots of them and leave them all over the place. He's bound to find one," another fangirl suggested. The fangirls cheered again. They began scribbling furiously on lots of paper and bunched it all together. "Let's wait until morning to put these out so Legolas can read them." All the fangirls nodded and began the heavy task of dragging both Aragorn and Gimli back into the central clearing.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Legolas gasped as he began climbing over rugged terrain: sharp rocks and slippery mud. Where the hell he was, he didn't know. He gripped on the branches of trees to pull himself out of the sticky mud. He had run 50 miles nonstop since the time the two fangirls nearly found him hiding in a tree. He didn't care if his expensive Look-Like-A-Sexy-Archer-Even-Though- You-Can't-Do-Archery! suit was ruined. So long as the fangirls were away. Far far far far away.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Oy. Forgive me for the crappy ending! Review please? ^_^ *points subtlely to review button* 


End file.
